Nice post, Ann, and lots of good jokes. But it looks to me like you got them wholesale from Tim Vine’s act. Credit where it’s due. [ Note for furriners. Tim Vine is an English stand-up famous for one liners and very short gags, which he tells at about 10 a minute. Kind of like Steven Wright but speeded up ] Another Tim gem: “Screaming out loud. Funny isn’t it? Do it in a library, everyone tell you to shut up. Do it in a plane, everyone joins in!”.
And one more. 'I saw this hitch-hiker. He said “Can you give me a lift”. I said, “Sure. You look great! The world’s your oyster! Go for it!”. ’
Why is it that when making love, men can more or less come every time, whereas some women find this difficult?
Who cares?
Man: Doctor, I’ve been getting these dizzy spells
Doc: Tell me, do you masturbate?
Man: Well, um, as a matter of fact, yes, I do.
Doc: Magic, isn’t it?!
I haven’t read all the posts in this thread, and this may have been posted already. And it’s really old, probably everyone’s heard it. For some reason, I’ve always liked this one…okay, here we go, A man walks into his doctor’s office for an appointment, and the doctor looks very grave as they walk into the examination room. The doctor says, “I’ve got some bad news for you. You’ve only got a week to live.” The man gets upset, gets up, and says, “I want a second opinion!” The doctor says, “Well, you’re ugly, too.” Stupid, I know…
bryanblit reminded me of another old favorite. Doctor calls a guy and tells him: “I’ve got bad news and worse news. The bad news is, you’ve got a week to live. The worse news is, I’ve been trying to get in touch with you since thursday.”
An American wrestler was getting ready for the gold medal match at the Olympics. His coach was giving him some last minute pointers. “Don’t let yourself get in the pretzel,” the coach said. “That’s the Russian’s secret move. Nobody’s ever gotten out of it. If he gets you in it, its all over, you might as well give up.”
The wrestler said he understood and stepped onto the mat. The match began and it was pretty even for a while. The American let his guard down for a second and the Russian grabbed him and put him in the pretzel. The trainer turned his head away. He couldn’t watch; he knew the match was over.
All of a suden, the trainer hears a loud yell from behind him. He turns around and sees the American lying on top of the Russian for the pin! After the match, he rushes over to his wrestler and asked how he did it. “He put you in the Pretzel. I saw it myself. How’d you win that thing?”
The wrestler responded, “Well when he put me in it, I blacked out at first. I came to and I saw a pair of testicles dangling right in front of my mouth. So I moved my head some and bit them as hard as I could.”
“So!” the trainer exclaimed, “did that finished him off?”
“No, but you’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”
So a large, beefy Irishman is sitting at a pub, nursing his Killians, when in comes a small, shady looking man. He walks up to the bar, takes a stool next to the Irishman, and orders a beer. Leaning over a bit, he whispers at the Irishman “hey… hey, you want a blow job?” Well this sets the Irishman off- he grabs the man and throws him to the ground in a rage, and hurls his drink and a barstool at him until he manages to scramble out of the bar. The Irishman returns to the bar and orders another beer. “Hey man,” said the bartender, “I’ve never seen you get so angry. If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly did he say to you?” “Ahhhh,” the Irishman grunts, “something about a job…”
The Buddhist gives the hot dog vendor a ten-dollar bill. The vendor pockets it without a word.
“Hey, where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist?
The vendor replies, “Change comes from within”
Preacher goes to visit a family one day, and the family’s little girl is looking at a basket full of newborn kittens. “What kind of kittens are those, Susie?” asks the preacher. Susie says that they are Christian kittens, and the preacher is delighted.
A couple of weeks later, the preacher goes back. “How are those Christian kittens doing, Susie?” Susie says, “Oh, they’re atheist kittens now, pastor.” Preacher is a little surprised, and asks what the heck happened–only two weeks ago, they were Christian kittens. Susie tells him, “Well, now their eyes are open.”
A group of blondes and brunettes are going on a tour of London. Of course as on all such tours, they decide to take a ride on a double decker bus. Now being a groupd of blondes and brunettes, they have their social groupings, and it ends up that all the brunettes are in the lower deck and the blondes are in the upper deck. The tour goes on for only a little while when the brunettes, who are having a grand old time, realize that the upper deck is silent. One of the brunettes goes upstairs to check it out, and sees that all of the blondes are sitting stiffly in their chairs, almost frozen in terror. She asks the one nearest the stairs, “What’s wrong? We’re having a grand time downbelow.” The blonde replies, “Yeah, but you have a driver!”
Then the bartender says, “Here, let me show you how to tell a joke: ‘77!’” Hearing this, the whole bar erupts, laughing louder and longer than for any of the previously told jokes.
The guys says, “I still don’t get it–how come they laughed so much harder at the one you just told?”
Bartender: “Because that was a new one I’ve never told them before.”
Little Billy comes home from school.
“What did you learn today?” his father asked.
“2 plus 2, the sonofabitch is 4. 4 plus 4, the sonofabitch is 8.”
The father, not pleased at this approach to math, drags little Billy to school and to the teacher.
“What kind of math are you teaching?!” the father roared. “Listen to this!”
Little Billy repeated his math lesson, “2 plus 2, the sonofabitch is 4. 4 plus 4, the sonofabitch is 8.”
The teacher smiled a bit and said, “OK Billy. Let’s try it again. 2 plus 2, the sum of which is 4…”
A blonde calls up her mother. “Guess what, mom? I’m getting married!”
“That’s great honey,” replies her mother. “Who to?”
“Steve.”
“The Greek guy?”
“Yeah.”
“Take my advice, sweetie. Don’t ever roll over for a Greek guy.”
Sometime later, the blonde and the Greek get married. They make love on their Honeymoon night, and the Greek says so her, “Hey honey, that was great. Now roll over.”
“No,” she replies.
“Why not?”
“My mom said to never roll over for a Greek guy.”
“Look, how we gonna make babies if you don’t roll over?”