- OP
You know this is a song quote, right? From a crap song.
My old roommate was pretty good at coming up with voice messages.
One was “You’ve reached XXX-XXXX in the ghetto of [our town]. Leave a message and we’ll call you back when the cops leave.”
I now use her old: “You’ve reached ***** leave a message, or I won’t know you were thinkin’ about me.”
The “You’ve reached xxx- STOP STARING AT ME!” message is cracking me up! 
In this thread, I think i’ve seen more first-time posters than in any other thread.
My brother and I used to leave messages on my mother’s answering machine when we visited from college – she would usually discover them once we were long gone, back to school.
I once did the “Hello…? Hello? Helllll-oooo??? Oh, wait. I’m an answering machine. Leave a message” one. It tricked a few of her friends before she found out and erased it.
Another one I left:
(Igor/hunchback assistant voice):
Ahhh, the master is busy in the torture chamber right now, but if you’ll leave your message at the scream, he’ll get back to you as soon as is inhumanly possible!
(Master’s voice, from distance):
Igor! Are you playing with that answering machine again?!!
(crack of whip sounds, followed by bloodcurdling scream…)
A couple of years ago, a Sydney radio station had a competition for the best answering machine recording. There were lots of average entries, and a few genuinely funny ones, all of which I’ve forgotten. The winner, though, was an impatient male voice simply saying: “WHAT?”
I’ve heard Sylvester Stallone has this:
Yo.
You.
Message.
Now.
(beep)
No, what song?
Well one of my personal favorites, is (barbershop quartet singing)
“were sorry were not home right now, we thank you for your call.
We are such merry people, we love you one and all.
Please leave your name and phone number well call you back with luck.
But if you do hang hang up too soon then take a fly-ing {BEEP}”
another one for my cell phone, “You’ve reached the voice mail system, Good Luck!”
And for the christmas…
jingle dogs: bark, bark, bark…
My roomate: Kevin, you arent going to pu thoes stupid f…{beep}
Thank you
I’m doubtful that there really is such an institution, but the content is funny and relevant to the thread! :o) sw
Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
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My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
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Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
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This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling… and I’ll think about returning your call.
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Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
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Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have LOTS of money.
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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.
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Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a “sexy” message, I’ll call sooner.
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Hi. Now YOU say something.
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Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.
- Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right… real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll call you back.
I rotate in a new message every month or so. It’s time for a change but this is what I have right now.
“I’m sorry, but no one is available to take your call right now. If you’d like to leave a message for Dan, please press 1 now…
HA! Like I’ve got that sophisticated of a system. Just leave your message like everyone else.”
It’s fooled a number of people.
Mine - circa 1983.
*Sexy Voiced Girl Friend: Hi, this is Ric’s place. Ric can’t come to the phone, he’s all tied up at the moment…
Me (from the other side of the room): Hey, come on, untie me, will you please?
SVGF: But if you leave a message, and if Ric is a GOOD boy (sfx: whip cracks, twice), I might let him return your call! Bye!
Me: HELLLLLP!*
Now who do you think was the first to call after I put that message on my machine? My 85 year old grandmother.
She called my mom: “Adele? Richard’s in trouble - some woman’s got him all tied up - you’d better call the police.”
Mom called my home, got the message, started laughing, and called me at work to congratulate me for fooling my grandmother so thoroughly.
My roomate and I did the “Chinease Resteraunt” message in the dorms.
We had a couple of friends clanking mugs with forks and yelling stuff like “fri ri!! yo wa fri ri??!!”
Then we would say “you rea Mr. Chow Chinea Foo! Wha you want??? Huh? I ca hea yoo!!” BEEP
A salesman where I work was calling his customers, the Trotts, and got the following answering machine recording.
You’ve got the Trotts !
My old message was from a Green Day song (I know…go ahead and groan!)Plain and simple, it went:
“I think I’m gonna POP!”
Found this on www.awaymessages.com
“I am not currently available right now. However, if you would like to be transfered to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality:
-If you are obsessive compulsive, please press “1” repeatedly.
-If you are codependant, please ask someone to press “2”.
-If you have multiple personalitites, please press “3”, “4”, and “5”.
-If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
-If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
-If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter what number you press, no one will answer.”
My brother has come up with some funny ones. I am an idiot so I can only remember a few.
“Ahoy-ahoy! Leave a message”
"sings some stupid little tune “dooo…dooodoodooodooodooodoooo!!!dooo!” for a min Leave message! “doood…doooodoooodoodoooo…dooodooodoo!!!”
And that goes on for about another min.
“How the hell do you work this F***ING thing! smashing noises YOU STUPID PIECE OF CRAP OF A MACHINE! AH!!! Beeep”
A friend of mine (a physics major in college) had the message:
“You have reached an imaginary number. Please hang up, rotate your phone ninety degrees, and try your call again.”
Hee hee. This really doesn’t have anything to do with answering machine messages, but in my AP English class, we got to read Far From the Madding Crowd instead of Tess of the D’Ubervilles this year. Last year they read Tess and everybody hated it because it was the slowest book on earth. One of the kids had a mentorship at a pharmacy and he “borrowed” a whole bunch of those “Warning: This may cause drowsiness” labels. One his friends put one right on the front cover of his Tess book and then had it covered in clear plastic so it’s never going to come off. Heh heh. Don’t forget to read your Hardy with food or milk. And DO NOT operate heavy machinery while under the influence of this book.
Sarah
I had Rockford on my machine for a long time. I’ve also had a bunch of different old advertising jingles like Good & Plenty and BrylCreem.
Eric
I don’t have an answering machine at home (and don’t have the guts to put this on my work phone), but I’ve always liked this one I found a few years ago:
<narrator>There brachy sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with brachy in the middle of it, her arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will she make it in time? Alas no, her valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.