What's the funniest/weirdest answering machine message you've ever heard?

[Siegfried]

I used to go through a lot of answering machine messages back in the days of living in the dorms.

One of my early one’s was: “I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the dancing hamsters.” Following this was the Hampster Dance music.

Another one I used I got from a joke mailing list: “You’ve reached the Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for future use in literally thousands of illegal and immoral activities. Our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to explain the ‘benefits’ of our service and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the tone.”

One of my friends changed his message daily to one of the punchlines from the list of 200 World’s Worst PickUp Lines. One day it’d be “The word of the day is ‘legs.’ Let’s go out and spread the word.” The next day it’d be “Hey, baby, let’s go get some barbeque and get busy.”

[TalkAboutIslam]

*Originally posted by Honey *
**TalkAboutIslam

My father died when I was 17. I am an only child. My mother was taken from away her mother and sister when she was a little girl when her father remarried and does not know where her mother and sister are or if they are still alive (she has never been able to find them).

Happy Ramadan to you, welcome to the boards, I hope we can learn from each other. **

Honey, I am real touched…

all of this has happened to you ???

life is real tough …

life is real tough …
I am really lucky to have a big family…

thank you for your very kind wishes.

I really appreciate that .

Happy Ramadan to you too

[Czarcasm]

TalkAboutIslam, would you mind either posting something on topic, or posting elsewhere? Also, please do not post your signature in this thread again. You cannot seriously claim that you did not know it has already appeared in this thread.

One signature per thread-final warning.

[Honey]

*Originally posted by tlw *
Honey methinks you are far too nice.

I have never, ever been told that before. My friends would have a good laugh if they heard that.

[IThinkNot]

<sidelight> Hey, did any of you guys get these messages from www.goodquotes.com? I found it via www.bored.com, which is how I also found Straight Dope. </sidelight>

My parents found this one by the wrong number, and as soon as they heard it they called all their friends and told them to call:

seconds of silence, silence, silence, silence
<quiet, almost inaudible evil laugh>
beep!

[matt_mcl]

This is CBC Radio Two. And now, a performance of Chopin’s Beep Sonata in C Flat Major.

or:

frantic violin music You’ve reached the mcls. We can’t come to the phone right now because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave your name and number and we’ll - OH MY GOD HERE THEY COME! music crescendoes

or:

These woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep,
So leave a message at the beep. (that was my mom’s.)

[Sunshine_and_Smiles]

I’ve always been a fan of the random kind of messages:

“Leading the assault on the rabid squash! Send for reinforcements!”
or

“So, did your brother say yes, or am I going to traverse through this life empty-handed!? WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!?”

[danceswithcats]

Two all time favorites:

The first is from the movie Eyes of Laura Mars on the machine of two young women (names forgotten)

Hi, this is Krissy, and Sharon as well
We’re not here, so you go to hell
If you’re not a pervert, or some other creep,
then leave a message after the beep

The second must be imagined being sung by a peppy barbershop quartet

We’re sorry we’re not home right now
we thank you for your call.
We are such happy people
we love you one and all.
Please leave your name and phone number
we’ll call you back with luck
But if you should hang up too soon
go take a flying beep

I have the latter saved as a .wav file and will share with any interested doper.

[crinklebat]

My mother’s friend had my two sisters and me over once for a slumber party. We were probably 11, 8, and 5 years old at the time. We were about to go out for breakfast, and she suspected that our mother was going to call, so she had us record a message of the three of us yelling gleefully, “We’re at the donut store!” I think she kept it for at least a few weeks.

[Mr.Duality]

I once used a snippet from “He’s Gone” by the Grateful Dead.

Like a … steam locomotive
rollin’ down the track.
He’s go-o-one
He’s gone aaand nothin’s gonna bring him back.

[SC_Wolf]

*Originally posted by caviator *
**Hi,

This is john’s microwave oven. The answering machine is broken right now, but if you need something cooked, hold it up to the phone at the sound of the beep. **

Similar in theme to this one:

This is john’s refrigerator. The answering machine is broken right now, but I’ll take your message down on a piece of paper and stick it to myself with one of these little magnets here.

[Cyberhwk]

Maybe it’s been mentioned and I’m too lazy too look but my best friend has this one for both her dorm room and her cell phone.

We’re sorry we’re not home right now we thank you for your call,
You are such lovely people, we love you one and all,
So leave your name and phone number, we’ll call you back with luck,
But if you would hang up to soon GO TAKE…A…FLY-ING… ::Beep::

[PunditLisa]

I had this on my machine for a while,

"Hi, You’ve reached the Pundits. We’re either away from home right now or we’re running around like wild people trying to find the cordless phone.

Feel free to leave a message. We’ll call you back as soon as we recharge the battery on our phone."

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

Sadly, I no longer have fun answering machine messages.

From my past:

When the future arrives, what will be your first cybernetic enhancement?
Mine will be a spinny nose. Because a lot of people will get laser eyes for their first cybernetic enhancement, and with their laser eyes, and my spinny nose, together we can play CDs.
Leave your name, number, and first cybernetic enhancement after the beep.

Or (read in a sluggish plodding monotone

*You’ve reached the answering machine
of Daniel, Jesse, and of Chris
Your name and number would be . . . keen
Your message we don’t want to miss.

And if you make it rhyme real good
like something written by a bard
if you could do that, if you would,
that would just kick ass so hard.

huh huh huh*

or

Amongst the perils of the seven seas are:
Sea serpents
Scurvy
Pirates
Getting shoved in a barrel by a big burly sailor just so he can laugh as you shout [this next part shouted into a metal pot I held next to the phone], “HELP! I’m trapped in a barrel!”
Ty-PHOOOOOONS
[sung]What they will do with a drunken sailor, what they will do with a drunken sailor, what they will do with a drunken sailor, ear-lye in the morning
and the doldrums.
Did I miss any?

My father hated, hated, hated the last one. He never did learn that he could press “1” to bypass the message, and he was so graceless about complaining about it that I never did tell him.

With the Perils of the Seven Seas message, I did get the best answer left on my voice mail ever:

Cheryl? What the hell are you talking about, Cheryl?

Of course, I do not know any Cheryl. I wanted to turn this guy’s baffled, angry voice into my next answering machine message, but I never could figure out how to do it.

Daniel

[Knowed_Out]

Called up a friend one time and his roommate left this message:

This message does not exist. Nor has it ever existed. Nor will it <choke><gurgle><blargh> CEREBRAL PALSY!!! CEREBRAL [beep]

[Beija]

A friend’s:

Hi, I’m out making a difference. Leave a message…etc.

[ReBusEniGma]

I once left this doosey. It got several types of responses:

spoken with thick British accent Imagine John Cleese saying it:

“Hello. You’ve reached ###-####. Currently there is no one available to respond to your request for dialogue on the full duplex communications device. Therefore, please leave your identity, the nature of your request, and your numerical return sequence on the automated, in-proxy-response-unit. You will be re-contacted when chronologically appropriate. You know what to do.” beep

– Several times we had people re-call us and I would pick it up and they would say, “Aww… I was just wanting [someone’s name] to hear that… can you not answer again?”
– Others would just be laughing on the voicemail and hang up
– Some would just be stunned…and then either catch themselves and talk or hang up and call back.
– Our friends got tired of it after a while and would say, “eNiGma, CHANGE it already!!!”

[Cliffy]

When I was in college my roommate Dylan and I would change ours every couple weeks. My favorites from this period were:

“You’ve reached Alex and Dylan’s room. We’re screening our calls right now, so please say something after the beep.”

“Hey! This is Bill and Dave’s room. Leave a message.”

The worst I ever “heard” (OK, actually my mom heard it while I was in the next room and and immediately related it to me): My mom used to work with a woman named “Laura.” Laura was married to “Dave.” One day, after having been out of touch with Laura for several months, mom called her up and heard this message:

Hello. This is Dave. If you are calling for Laura she is no longer reachable at this number. She decided to violate my trust with someone who I thought was one of my best friends and abandon six years of marriage, so she does not live here anymore. Her new number is xxx-xxxx.

–Cliffy

[Mr.Miskatonic]

Inspired by the musical “Rent”

“SPEEEEEAK!” beep

[IThinkNot]

I heard that Arnold Schwartzenegger’s message was this:

“You have reached Ahnold Schwartzenegger. I’m not here right now, but <enter Terminator sound byte> I’ll be back.” beep

Maybe it’s just a rumor, but it’s funny!