My personal favorite is those little packets of silicon that come in the toes of shoes, on the bottom of purses, and tucked in with the styrofoam with stereo equipment… the ones that always say “Do Not Eat” on them.
The thought of eating one of those would have NEVER crossed my mind until they said it.
Maybe not terribly obvious, but definitely caught my eye. The little mortarboard cap I wore when I graduated college (and high school too, I guess, but I never read that one) had a little sticker that said something along the lines of “Cap can damage eyes if thrown.”
Also, I’ve seen game programs at hockey games that put a warning on the first page: “Pay attention. Pucks can leave the ice surface at any time.” Darn, and I bought tickets to the game so I could not pay attention.
the best of all…
the claymores used by the US Army. The claymore is shaped like a thinned down brick, and then bent slightly, but enough that you can tell. on the front side, the side that bends outward, in clear GIANT wording, so you can’t miss it, it says: FACE FRONT TOWARDS ENEMY.
This is the abbreviated version of the instructions on how to assemble and use the claymore. The full and complete instructions for those infantrymen that take after Gomer Pile is located in the claymore carrying bag, the full kit is in there, charger, tester, spool of wire with blasting cap, and claymore. But lord almighty help the sucker that can’t read english in the US Army if he takes out one of these suckers and plants it in the ground the wrong way.
As a technical writer, I wish I could tell people that in my manuals!! I suspect the tech support folks got that phrase snuck into the instructions…(!) :]
Okay, this was on a dress a friend of mine had (since I don’t often buy clothes that require ironing):
"Do not wear item while ironing."
You know what’s really scary about warnings like that, is that they are usually written because they were sued over it. Can you imagine some clod trying to iron a dress while she’s still wearing it?
This was emailed to me a while back. There were more but list has been modified to fit your screen…
*** Actual label instructions on consumer goods: ***
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dove soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it’s just a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let’s experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn’t that save more time?) (Whose body?)
On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.(Now I’m curious.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
The only one I can think of was this one:
Seen on a Korean knife (y’know one of those nice big knifes you use for chopping food) “Do not put in children”
Um… DUH that would kinda hurt and you might get sent to jail.
Just bought a box of Zantac. Was reading the back because my fiancee wanted to know if there was any warning about not taking it if you’re allergic to aspirin. Nope no warning about that.
However it did explicitly state that you should not take this product if you are allergic to Zantac.
I swear to God!!! Do I win? 
This isn’t a warning. It’s more like a " DUH".
On the instructions for the disposable menstrual cups called
“Instead”, reads " To correctly use INSTEAD, we recommend sitting on the toilet with your knees apart. "
Well, hello, how else are you s’pose to put it in.
On a plastic grocery bag, it reads: “To avoid danger of suffocation, keep away from babies and small children.”
I couldn’t agree more–I have taken those as words to live by.
Exactly, BagLady. Every one of these warnings is there because some moron somewhere actually did what the warning says not to. The manufactures don’t care what normal people think of these warnings, they’re just doing CYA.
Sometimes, though, you can almost see where they’re coming from, for example the hair-dryer while sleeping warning. Women did use to doze under those old-fashioned helmet-type dryers.
Topaz, the bad knife translation was actually, “Keep out of children.”
My favorite is an observtion from Tom Bodett:
The sign says “STEP UP.”
oooooooh, so that’s how you work those things.
WARNING: Do not read The Straight Dope without wearing Depends™ undergarments. Doing so could result in uncontrollable accidents. [sup]*[/sup]
**[sup]*[/sup]**I’ve been coming here long enough you’d think I’d know that by now! Perhaps, like some of these other companies, Cecil should idiot-proof the website with that warning in big, red letters at the top of every screen.
I bought a box of condoms that had a HUGE fold-out instruction and warning sheet.
One paragraph warned the user to keep the contents “away from heat and moisture.”
I can only assume they meant when storing the product for future use.
while in the middle traffic jam on an expressway, I noticed the very informative sign, “Reduced Speed Ahead”.
Not exactly on thread, but related. The reason that they don’t sell two foot ladders anymore is that there is not enough room on them for the warning stickers.
This one got me giggling.
Several years ago I bought a “Hairdini” basically so you can put your hair up in a french twist or whatever.
(for you guys, it’s a bendable metal strip with foam covering it)
The package said:
“For external use only”
I don’t know what they meant by that, but I have a thought.
I like the warning sign usually posted around high power electrical stuff of this guy being thrown back as he’s electrocuted with lightning bolts. It cracks me up, but for the life of me I can’t think of a better way to illustrate the possible consequence.
A friend had a jet ski that had a warning lable that said something about keeping certain body parts and cavities away from the propulsion nozzle. No shit Sherlock.
On the KY box it says, “Not to be taken internally.” Now I know KY don’t mean Kentucky so I’m not gonna put it on a cracker or use it on a peanut butter sandwich, but don’t you have to kinda take it internally someway or other?
Thank you Myron, I couldn’t remember it exactly and I was going by memory.