Just remembered another one. This from my step-dad, a deputy sherriff (yeah, my mom had a thing for cops): “Ya know, if I had been just a little stupider, I coulda been a cop, too.” I think Mel Gibson used it, too, in Payback
Welcome to the boards, benthames!
Cop: “Why were you driving so fast?”
Driver: “I was on my way to see your mother.”
All time worst thing to say to a cop:
DRAW!!! (as you reach inside your jacket).
Fortunately, you only get to make that mistake once.
I was actually in a car where a passenger said "Hey, do you work for Z Division? Do you know Mike X? He’s a good friend of mine, Mike X. " The cop was unimpressed.
Dilbert: “Aren’t there any real criminals you should be going after right now! My taxes pay your salary! And those mustaches you guys all wear don’t make you look any smarter!”
Officer: “Sir, I’ll have to ask you to step outside the car for a sobriety test.”
(Later, a Dilbert wearing dirty, torn clothing, to Dogbert at home)
Dilbert: “And it turns out that the sobriety test involves throwing yourself down a muddy embankment.”
COP: You ran a stop sign
Me: Yep you are right
COP: Why didn’t you stop?
Me: I don’t believe everything I read
(In Britain only): Does your head go all the way to the top of that helmet, officer?
I’d pulled myself over one evening because I felt “impaired” after celebrating final exams with some buds from undergrad. Two cops pulled up behind me and knocked on my window, waking me up.
They said “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Why, yes I have” I replied.
“How many do you estimate you’ve had today?”
I rubbed my chin and said “Oh, about 20 or 21.”
The looked at each other, smiled and said “Ummm… how is it that you can drink 20 or 21 beers and still drive?”
I looked 'em dead in the eye and replied “Practice”.
They both lost it. I think they were so used to people lying to them that a little honesty was refreshing. I explained that my destination was just another half a mile or so up the road and they let me go after saying they appreciated the fact I’d pulled over and to continue to be careful.
Damn! I’m reading this thread thinking of posting a variation on “I’ve got a gun and I’m not afraid to use it!” when I ran across Manatee’s post …
True story: after being pulled over for making a rolling stop at a 4 way-stop intersection…
Officer: Do you know why I’m pulling you over?
Waverly: Not a clue.
Officer: You didn’t come to a full and complete stop at that intersection.
Waverly: You’re kidding… that intersection was completely clear and if I was moving, it was just barely.
Officer: No sir, I’m not kidding.
Waverly: If your CO has you out here hiding around corners and snooping about intersections, I’d hazard to guess you are the absolute least useful guy on the force. Are you the most useless guy on the force, or do you find stop sign duty oddly satisfying?
Heh. It was worth a $50 just to see his face.
Worst thing you can say?
I can’t post it in this forum, due to content and language, but it has something to do with a face the officer’s wife makes when something specific is done to her. :eek:
Catch and Release: Synopsis of the Criminal Justice System
A trooper asked my grandfather if he was in a hurry. He responded, “Do you think I’d be driving 95 miles an hour if I * wasn’t * in a hurry?”
And from Groundhog Day:
Phil: Yeah, three cheeseburgers, two large fries, two chocolate shakes and a large coke.
Ralph: [To Phil] And some flapjacks.
Phil: [To Cop] Too early for flapjacks?
A friend told me about a drunken friend of his who stole an idling ambulance from the hospital. The guy drives it a ways before running it into a ditch. He gets out and starts walking down the road. A cop car pulls up alongside and an officer asks him if he’s okay. The guy replies “I ain’t drunk and I didn’t steal no goddam ambulance!”
How about a nice simple “Officer, would you like to buy any of my dope?”
no officer i didnt fart…its just that body in my trunk
Stolen from some comedian…
Not exactly a cop but a border gaurd
Gaurd: Do you have any drugs or weapons to declare?
You: Sure! What do you need?
I think I can come close to topping them all:
Many years ago, in my indiscreet youth, I got pulled over near my house after a night of drinking. Cop comes to my window, asks for license, which I hand to him, then asks for my registration.
I open the glove compartment, which was just full of junk, old receipts, brochures, etc. Grab the entire contents, hand it to the cop and say “Here, you find it.”
I was pulled over about two months ago for making an illegal left turn, and my coworker in the company van (for a christian organization with a logo on the side) with me says:
“Is this going to take long?”
I had no idea what to say at that point. She went into a long sob story about how we were camping with girls from a residential treatment facility, and we had left only two staff with them to get medications. Which was mostly true, or we had gone on an emergency cigarette run. The cop let us off with a warning, but I still couldn’t believe her nerve.
Fortunately she has told the story of me getting pulled over to all of our coworkers by now.
Some of these responses are hoots! IIRC the OP was looking for bad things to say, so I’ll contibute this thought: “Are you Barney or Andy?”
[slight hijack] While driving through bohunk Kansas several years ago, I was attempting to escape a snowstorm coming out of Colorado by diverting south to I-40 instead of I-70 which I’d been following.
Following locals for miles and tasting the edge of town, I see a break and kick it up a notch, pass 3 cars and rip out of town. Blinkies appear in my mirror from the distant past, as I’m now travelling at 85, passing an occasional vehicle, several miles from bohunk.
Once the blinkies close to within a half mile, I drop speed to 70 (the posted limit) and hope to be passed. Not so. Window down, radio off, and thumbs hooked under the wheel, all digits up, I watch in left mirror as the officer approaches with hand on service pistol.
He asks if I know why he’s stopped me.
“Sure, I was speeding.”
“No.”
“Sorry, Sir, then I’m stumped.”
“I’ve stopped you for passing those three cars back in Pewee Flats. You hadn’t completed your pass safely before the passing zone ended.”
“PeWee Flats? That was 10 miles back up the road!”
“I’ve been doing 100 MPH trying to catch you!”
“Well, Sir, didn’t I start this conversation out by telling you I was speeding?”
The Officer started laughing, ran my cards, and gave me a warning, with a smile.
When asked to recite the alphabet backwards, or walk a straight line, or touch your nose and stand on one foot:
“You first.”