While at work I watched a cop break up a fight and by his actions I would say he was going to send both parties on their way, until one of these smart guys says very clearly while looking at the cop in the eye
He was arrested with a great deal of force, the other fighter was told to leave.
Later the cop came back to get statements he told us he had to take the subject to the hospital for stitches because “he fell in the parking lot”
When pulled over and or approached by more than one cop…
“Which one of you PUSSIES wanna try gettin the cuffs on me?”
I was pulled over by UHP a couple years ago. The dork gave me this long lecture about having to replacve the windshield because it was cracked. It was all I could do to keep from saying “REALLY!” “WOW!” “I did NOT know that!”
I also so wanted to ask him if his Mommy knew he was out so late.
i think Manatee wins, what could be worst than that?
Don’t ask me why but I’ve always wanted to do this.
I guess it’s just the mischevious asshole that lives inside of all of us, or is it just me?
I’d like to get pulled over (on purpose, maybe do a little swerve move infront of a cop, nothing big), and when the cop walks up to my door I want the window to be all the way down and my stereo blaring Ice T’s “Cop Killer” while I have a white-knuckle grip on the steering wheel and am head-banging. Whatever the cop says I’ll just scream over the music “What…? Huh…? I can’t hear you, speak up!!!”
[sub]disclaimer: cisco does not hate cops, nor does he wish any of them an untimely death, whether by homicide or otherwise. I just have a seriously twisted sense of humor.[/sub]
NEVER SAY TO A COP
So a freind of mine back in high school, (lo, these many years ago) had just seen Deliverance for the first time a few days before and couldn’t stop talking about it. We were driving back from a grand orchard party and were somewhat the worse for wear, sobriety-wise. CHiPs pull us over (no joke, two guys on bikes) and tap on the window. Buddy rolls down his window and before the cop can get out a word says, “You got a purty mouth!” in his best backwoods Tennessee accent.
That turned into a pretty rotten night real quick.
Friend-of-a-friend story, probably not true:
Driver: If I called you an asshole, could you give me a ticket for that?
Officer: Yep.
Driver: What if I just THOUGHT it?
Officer: Uh, no.
Driver: I think you’re an asshole.
Worst excuse award:
Officer: You didn’t come to a complete stop back there.
My friend: Well, not from YOUR frame of reference.
Right after the Cop gives you the Ticket…
Mumble something like, " I guess this is more Money for the
Policemans Ball?"
invarialbly, the officer will reply, “Policemen don’t have Balls”
you’ll feel alittle better…
An exchange from a couple of years ago:
PO: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Smartass Me: “You can’t remember why either?”
Calvin & Hobbes has been such a bad influence on me.
The Sherman line is fucking awesome. Almost makes me want to go down south and drive fast.
A couple of years ago a friend of mine and I were driving from Minnesota to Colorado for some skiing. We were somewhere along the endlessness of Nebraska, late at night, when the trooper pulled us over for speeding. This trooper looked alot like McCauley Culkin. He walks up to the driver’s side, cops a Barney Fife posture, and says to my friend, “Can I see you license, son?”
Now, we here in Minnesota never call anyone but a male offspring “son,” and we were both easily twice the trooper’s age. I guess it really tickled the hell out of my friend because he started giggling and then handed over his license with a “Here ya go…dad.”
We got to stand out in a cold, windy Nebraska cornfield for a while so Barney could rummage through the van in the hopes of finding something he could arrest us for, but it was clean as a whistle.
I was in an altercation in a bar way back in my college days. One of the guys who broke it up whipped out a badge and ordered me to stop resisting. I, being two-sheets to the wind, replied
“Where’d you get that badge, from a box of Cracker Jacks?”
Fortunately, the bartender was a buddy of mine and also of the peace officer and prevented any serious fallout from that comment.
When I saw the thread title I was so excited to tell the General Sherman one. That was the best piece of advice I got before moving to Atlanta.
Sorta sad to learn that it must be an urban legend. I knew it was too good to be true.
Something I’m too stupid to remember.
“How can you be a pig and a son-of-a-bitch?” which puzzled me, as sons-of-bitches are normally Judges.
Politely and contritely.
I realise they look odd, but just imagine a policeman in court, reading them from a notebook, preceded by “And then he proceded to say…”
Bad Car Day
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
“What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked.
The man responded, “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, “Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.”
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, “Are we over the border yet?”
(Both ripped from George Carlin routines)
When rubbernecking: “Say, officer, could you bring some of those bodies a bit closer to us? My wife says she’s never seen someone that mangled before.”
General purpose: “You’re a public servant, right? So go get me a glass of water.”
At a road check one night:
cop: “You drinkin’?”
me: “You buyin’?”
Cop: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Me: If I guess correctly, do I not get a ticket?
(I didn’t actually say this. I remember seeing it in MAD magazine)
“I thought you guys need a high school diploma to become cops.”
“Wow, they’ll take just about anyone to be a police officer!”