I am 100% with the OP. I can’t stand people who can’t be direct and state their preferences, especially people who are friends. I think saying no when one means yes is ultimately passive aggressive.
No question. It’s a hot button issue for me, so I stayed out of that thread. I really had nothing useful, nor positive, to contribute.
People should be allowed to change their minds. And people can be bummed by making a rational decision to skip a celebration.
But, I really have issues with people who say one thing and mean, as they’re saying it, the opposite. [del]It’s not cu-[/del] Sorry, I was about to start ranting. 
Just try saying ‘Yes’ to food or tea while in Iran. If you don’t refuse the first two times you’ll get at the very least a death glare from my friend’s mom.
When speaking Czech. “No” is short for “ano,” which mans “yes.” 
Sort of like da nyet! in Russian. It literally means “yes, no” and is confusing to the uninitiated.
It really means “thanks, no.”
Honest answer, not a snark, people that don’t say what they mean get the payoff of getting the response that they want from you without themselves having to make the committment that is inherent with a direct request.
Did that make any sense?
Here’s a trivial example that I’m still trying to understand. My wife calls me work nearly every day and asks what I want for supper. That does not mean she’s going to fix supper and she’s asking what I would like. That means she wants to know what I’m going to fix or what takeout am I going to pick up on the way home. If it’s not something she wants, my suggestion will invoke a whining “Okay” and I can try to guess again.
I’m beginning understand it’s a form of manipulation. If supper turns out bad, it’s not her fault because she didn’t make any of the decisions. The payoff is that she stands a good chance of getting what she wants without assuming any of the responsibilities.
In my case, no means no the first time I say it.
As a host, however, I’ll always ask a second time, after an appropriate interval, because to some people apparently it DOESN’T mean no. That mostly applies, however, if you’re not immediate family or closest friends; anyone in my immediate family, or our closest friends, can be trusted not to go through this stupid “refuse out of politeness” nonsense. If they’re thirsty and I offer something to drink they’ll say yes. Anyone else, though, you never know what weird-ass order of answers to expect, so I’ll ask again.
Exactly, I have no qualms with someone who says “no” and later regrets it, as long as that person doesn’t hold anyone else responsible for acting according to the orginal “no”.
If my SO says, “I’m making a sandwich, do you want one?” And my answer is “No.” Then an hour later when I’m ravenoulsy hungry, I can’t be pissed off with her or hold her responsible for not making me a sandwich. I can be hungry and disappointed that I don’t have a sandwich to eat, and I can totally feel sorry for myself, but the responsibility for my sandwichlessness is mine.
Oops, my mistake, sucks to be me.
That’s kind of a cool word.
Ditto here. I understand that in some situations, “no” doesn’t necessarily mean “no”, but it’s wrong when someone (usually a woman) gets pissed that her SO didn’t buy her a gift after telling her SO that she didn’t want anything.
Hub anticipates my wants, needs, and desires better than 99% of the men out there but I would never hold him to the “read-my-mind-or-I’ll-be-secretly-pissed” standard.
It’s the same (usually female) response to, “What’s wrong?”… Answer: “Nothin”. What the hell kind of answer is that?
I realize I’m singling out my fellow women here but that’s where I see this kind of game-play most often. How were we women brought up to think that this kind of behavior is OK and a reasonable way to communicate to others? The real issue is effective communication. I have to ask those women who play this cat/mouse game with their SO’s a Dr. Phil question…“How’s THAT workin for you?”
In the immortal words of an 8yo who would years later become my Dad: “when I say no, it means exactly no.”
Wish it applied to Mom, though. When I ask “can I help you with anything?” and she says no, it usually means “I can’t think of anything right now, but don’t worry, as soon as you sit down I’ll come up with an enormously important task, like passing me that ingredient I forgot to pick up before I sat down.” The most extreme examples were the one time she got me out of the shower to get her the remote which was under the pillow beneath her ass, and that other one she phoned me when I was in the lift trip down from her house, asking me to buy bread for her.
For many people, no seems to mean “I’ll think about it.” I belong to Dad’s school of thought, here: no means, exactly, no.
When I’m with people who don’t know me and they re-ask after I’ve said no, my answer is "don’t worry, I’m very impolite: if I want something I’ll ask 
"
She doesn’t just want you to cook dinner for her–she wants you to want to cook dinner for her. If she has to ask directly, she may get the food but how can she know whether you enjoyedpreparingitforherbecauseyoulovehersomuch?
Ah yes. “You may empty the dishwasher, honey.” If we’re feeling nice, the “honey” in question empties the dishwasher. If a bit less nice, honey gives a rolleyes and empties the dishwasher. And if we’re sick of being given permission to work, we say “ain’t that nice!” and keep doing whatever we were doing until She Who Gave The Order says “ok, ok, I mean you have to empty the dishwasher,” to which the proper answer is “will do,” and then you go and empty the dishwasher.
She Who Gave The Order can be Mom, SiL, Grandma, SiL’s Mom or SiL’s Aunt - one of my brothers recently told me a boss of his and myself are among the few women he knows who give direct orders directly.
In a lot of cases, like the examples Manda JO and I put forth, you aren’t answering the literal question being asked with “no.” You are asking an implied question. Or you are answering the literal question with a “no” not realizing that there is a different question being asked.
As I said, I turned down my job several times before I took it. It was presented to me in several fashions. The first was “would you be interested in the job.” At the time I had little interest, was into my own thing, said no. The second time it was several months later “you’d be really good at this job” - maybe, but I was still doing my own thing, wasn’t that interested, didn’t follow through on what was functionally a “show some interest, have a different job” offer. Then it was “you’d be good at this job, would you like it?” Still I didn’t want the job - now though I’m beginning to catch on to where the chips will lie and I state my reasons - the function is poorly organized with little chance of success. They reorganize - not quite to my specifications, but good enough, and I’m asked this time “we really need you to do that job, will you do it?”
Had they come to me the first time and said “we really need you to do this job, will you do it” I’d probably have said “well, this and this need to change - this guy needs to be redirected - these resources need to be put in place, and I’ll need this scope and this portfolio. Then I’ll do the job.” But seldom are such direct questions asked - at work or in my social life.
There is also the issue of obligation and commitment. If I say “yes” to something offered, I’m obligating someone to follow through - unfortunately in my experience, some offers are as insincere as the “no” the OP is complaining about. I don’t want to obligate you to bring dessert to the dinner party unless you are sincere about the commitment - if you are offering out of some politeness and I’m going to end up with no dessert or a carton of ice cream you picked up on the way “cause I didn’t have time to bake that cake I promised” I’d rather say “no, I have dessert covered” and have you press - even if I’d like it if I didn’t need to bother with dessert, if I can’t count on you. Likewise, if I say yes, I’m making a commitment - so if you ask me to watch your kids and I’d rather not make that commitment, I might say no to start, but will do it if pressed and you can’t make other arrangements - I don’t mean “absolutely not” I mean “I’d rather not.”
The other way to look at it is that they are brought up to think that their wishes and desires and wants should always be second-place to whatever else is going on and that it isn’t ladylike to have strong opinions. Basically they’ve been taught they have to be ineffective, which leaves them feeling frustrated and peevish, which leads to the irritable moods and punishing men for not reading their mind.
Well, shame on them for not pulling themselves out of the 1950’s long enough to realize that they have a valid voice in any relationship… from their SO to the mailman. Perhaps it’s the feminist coming out in me but this is 2008 fercryinoutloud. It’s not rocket science to see that the whole passive/aggressive route simply doesn’t work in the long run. I am so grateful that I’m not a man trying to figure out what the hell women want.
This may not still be true of any women, but when I was young, in matters of sex, in fact my “no” did not necessarily mean “no.” In some circumstances it meant, “try a little harder.” Or “seduce me.” It meant “I can’t verbally agree, but let’s see how far we get.” Of course, for certain other men, it meant definitely “no.” Hard to figure, I know.
I also know I was by no means alone in this usage. As I said, I have no idea if young women do this now. It probably wasn’t a very good idea; it didn’t always work out well. The trouble with this was, the guys I actually wanted to seduce me would take it to actually mean “no,” while the ones where I really meant “buzz off” took it to mean “seduce me.”
As to other uses, most specifically presents, if I say I don’t want anything–and I am notoriously hard to please, not that I don’t thank the givers most graciously, in fact effusively, even though I don’t really like approximately 95 percent of the things people give me–I mean, don’t get me anything. I mean don’t feel obligated to get me anything because I’m not going to chastise anybody for getting me something when I said not to. But if they don’t, that’s fine, too. After all, that’s what I said.
Oh, come on. This isn’t a usually female response. Or if it is, then I’m married to a guy who’s done a great job of disguising his true sex.
Here’s what the “nothing’s wrong” answer means. It means: “Nothing I want to talk about/admit to.” I believe it means that for both sexes.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t always. That in no way, shape or form justifies rape. But I’m sure that some couples out there has had a conversation that goes something like:
“So, do you wanna?”
“No.”
Which translates as:
“So, do you wanna?”
“I’m not in the mood right now. But if you start rubbing my shoulders I’ll let you nuzzle my neck. If you nuzzle my neck I’ll let you rub my back. If you rub my back I’ll let you take off my shirt. If you take off my shirt…”
It goes without saying that this doesn’t apply in many situations even within one relationship, let alone with a stranger you meet at a bar. But yeah, I’d wager that a great many couples have a private language like that, whether it deals with the word “no” or other statements that can have their own subtext.
QFT. I hate that mindset, at that. I have no problem reading people’s minds and doing nice things for them. But I want them to at least appreciate it as me doing something nice and above and beyond for them, not mindreading as an expected aspect of the relationship.
I really don’t have much else to add to this particular topic, outside of the hijack that got back to the other thread (and my take is already posted there). I will chime in and say I do make an effort not to do the “polite no” thing, I’ll at least, instead ask something like “are you sure that wouldn’t be inconvenient” sort of question. I almost always ask twice for guys if they say no to a favor, and ask girls three times. Apparently, three times is the magic number.