When someone's "help" leaves you silently cursing them

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I had this problem when moving house. I was pregnant and couldn’t lift anything (very annoying) and my husband recruited a bunch of friends to help us move. They helped pack things up and carry boxes around, which was great, but when we got to our new house they started unpacking the boxes for us, and of course we wanted to decide where to put things ourselves, especially in the kitchen. Having everything put away randomly just doubled the work, as we’d have to pull it all out again before putting it away properly. I was running round from room to room trying to stop them and give them other jobs to do. Eventually we managed to convince them they had helped enough, and we all ate pizza.

You need to tell your relative she isn’t helping, and ask her not to mess with your stuff. Give her something helpful to do instead “if she has time”, that isn’t urgent in case she doesn’t actually do it.

22

To be fair, if I notice that your parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme are not properly arrayed, I’m gonna make it right.

mmm

23

Mine are alphabetical. Except we don’t have dried parsley. The only parsley lives in a pot outside the door. My daughter sometimes puts them away randomly, rather than where they belong, and that’s annoying enough.

24

Sometimes politeness can be a mistake, and this is definitely one of them. Polite but pointed honesty was needed. Now, she feels reinforced in her efforts and will probably be motivated to do even more of the things you detest.

25

I agree. This is not a time when you should express gratitude. It’s a time when you should politely inform the person that their help is counter productive, and they should ask you what needs to be done, rather than making assumptions.

26

At the first rearranging you should have spoken up. Politely, gently, or directly, but THAT was your moment to act.

Wow! It looks amazing, that must have taken some time. And, hey, I appreciate the thought but I’m begging you, PLEASE do NOT rearrange things in my home! I know it feels like helping, and your orderliness drives you to it, but it’s a great irritant to me so I’m begging you, No More! I need to be able to find my things where I left them.

Also, I become increasingly homicidal and incensed when ‘I can’t find it!’, doubles up with, ‘I’m in a terrible rush!’ Ack, please, if you’d like to help, just ask, ‘what can I do?’ I’ll give you a few things I would find helpful and you’re welcome to choose what suits you.

But I am seriously meaning, DO NOT REORGANIZE MY THINGS TO SUIT YOU!, because it’s not actually helpful to me.

Hope you can understand, thanks for listening! We’re good, but I felt the need to speak up, I’m sure you understand!

27

Well, he missed that moment. But he still needs to say something now. And that’s not “thank you”, but, “please don’t reorganize my home”.

If you really really really don’t want to offend them, despite what they’ve done, maybe, possibly, giving them a list would help.

“Hey, I’ve noticed you are trying to help out. Here’s a list of things that need to be done around the house. Any of these you could do would be helpful.”

But i think he needs to be explicit about stopping the damage, too.

28

I’m in the camp with those who would likely suffer in silence and never host them again.

Deferring the possible pain to a time that may never come, and to a circumstance that – by definition – is probably not going to be face-to-face, seems the least likely to become incendiary, IMHO.

We had an aunt and uncle stay with us once. She loves to make ‘chocolate bark’ for those who host her. The mess would be hard to describe, and chocolate can be toxic to dogs (we have one).

We’ve hosted them since, but won’t let her near the kitchen :wink:

29

I had my nephews helping me cook dinner and rebuild a chair the other day. I realized from this thread how easy it was to show them how to work with me, a lot easier than working with adult relatives in this thread. I was grateful for that but it was under some control. So it doesn’t compare to the OP’s.

30

How about putting everything back where it belongs, and then if questioned on it say that you appreciate them wanting to help, but after a couple days of the new setup, you realize that your kitchen works better for you the way it was.

“But if you’re bored and looking for things to do, these are a couple of things I just haven’t had time to get to!”

I would be LIVID.

31

This is way too long, and filled with obsequious apologies. The OP needs to set boundaries clearly, not grovel.

32

Ah.
I used to store my bike outside, on the rack (until it got stolen).
I covered the seat with a plastic bag, to protect it from water damage.
A “helpful” lady removed the bag, to be “helpful”.
Ruined seat.

33

Upon consideration, I have another thought.

The major faux pas of the visitor is very much something an autistic person would do. First, autistic people generally love ordering and sorting. Nothing is more soothing to me, personally. Second, autistic people are very conscientious, but truly struggle with appropriateness in social situations.

I would not be surprised if this person was autistic, trying hard to be helpful, and having no idea what she did was wrong.

For the OP, if my diagnosis is correct, the right approach is to put aside your emotions as entirely as possible. Whatever you choose to say, do not writhe around trying to hint at the issue without actually saying it, apologize for yourself, or anything at all but a plain request. Autistic people have great difficulty parsing indirect conversations and hints are often lost on them.

Something like, “I know you were trying to be helpful, but in the future, could you not sort my things? If you want to be helpful, ask me what needs doing.” Really, just like that. Yes, you will hurt her feelings. So say it as kindly as you possibly can. But if my guess is right, she won’t be angry, she’ll be ashamed.

34

To me, this sounds like another outcome to be avoided, if possible.

35

Yes, but if i like these relatives, i would like to be able to host them again. And they are still there. Who knows what other damage might occur?

36

My mother-in-law insists on putting the butter back in the refrigerator. We keep one stick of butter in a little butter dish on the kitchen counter and the rest in the refrigerator. We keep one stick on the counter so it’s easy to spread on bread. We have A/C, the butter is salted, and it doesn’t sit out for weeks at a time, so I think we’re safe from any pathogens. But she just can’t help but put the butter in the refrigerator to keep it from spoiling.

37

Seems like we need a spice poll.

mmm

38

Totally understandable position.

But I’d make a couple points:

  • There’s “damage,” and then there’s damage. From the OP, it sounds like we’ve hit nagging inconvenience and irksome overstepping of what may be thought to be commonly understood boundaries, but I’m not sure there’s damage, per se;
  • My aunt has made ‘chocolate bark,’ and the attendant mess in several other family members’ kitchens while staying with them, yet we’ve all made the same choice in our case: she’s a great and lovely woman who is showing her gratitude in the best way she knows how. It would be very hurtful to her if she were told that the sweet wasn’t worth the mess

So, IMHO, wanting to host these people again can hinge just as much on if and how the issue is raised, and on how it is received, as on any other single factor.

The ‘helpful’ guest may feel as my aunt does, and may be somewhat devastated at being asked not to do what she feels is thoughtful and helpful, and should be welcomed with gratitude and effusive praise.

If I wanted them back and didn’t feel like I could (or wanted to) ‘defend’ against the well-meaning deck-shuffling of my house ad hoc, I might feel like the better option is just to not host them again.

I generally aim for a win-win, but one isn’t always reasonably available.

39

I did something like that a few years back. One weekend I decided to go pull weeds under our back deck. Unbeknownst to me, my wife had recently planted a number of small plants out there. Hey, they looked like weeds to me!

Generally though it’s my wife who tries to “help” and has stuff blow up in her face. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve had this conversation:

She: I was just trying to help!
Me: Yeah, and how does that usually work out?

40

We sorta have a winner!

I mean, she’s never been formally diagnosed, and it’s certainly a “mild” case compared to other autistic people I’ve known (as a long time secretary to a psychiatrist, I’ve known a bunch) but she is positively blind to some social cues and expectations that you just expect others to understand. Generally the family has learned to react to these incidents with a “Well, that’s just how Mary is” attitude. (Not her real name.)

Because she also doesn’t take being ‘corrected’ at all well. Hurt feelings, sulking, all the way up to melt downs/blow ups. Like, if I’d spoken up when she re-arranged my spices (the first incident, on Day 3) it wouldn’t have been a shock if she’d reacted by insisting that the whole family had to get in the car and go home (five states away!) right that damn minute and to hell with the whole vacation.

So, yes, I appeased her. I figured, what the hell. It’ll only take something like ten minutes to put the spices back to where I want them, and for the sake of not ruining the vacation, I could survive having to hunt for the oregano.

Mainly I hoped they would be too busy doing their various planned fun stuff for her to do anything more. Unfortunately this area has been having pretty awful weather – cloudy and at least scattered rainstorms almost every day. Mostly they still found substitute things to enjoy, but sometimes… yeah. Probably I should have been more careful about keeping an eye on her in time to step in, but I had my own planned activities. Real life needs to go on.

BTW, yes, obviously they were using us as a hotel. That was what we’d planned from the beginning and we’re absolutely fine with that. I don’t know if you’ve ever lived in a TOURIST AREA, but visits from friends and family who want to do the ‘standard’ things are sort of expected and the fact is, for the natives, all that stuff soon enough has been done to death. I never want to set foot on the Freedom Trail again. I’ve seen enough games at Fenway Park. I absolutely refuse to ever enter Sturbridge Village again. Etc. I way prefer waving them off with a cheery “Have fun” to having to tour the Louisa May Alcott house YET AGAIN.

The Incident of the Dinner just really, really got under my skin!

Oh well. Today is their last day here, they’re scheduled to hit the road at 8 a.m. tomorrow. So I will just be extra careful about leaving her unsupervised while in the house – less than 24 hours to go!

And, absolutely I will never agree to having them visit again, but it’s not too likely to come up. This is the first time ever they’ve stayed with us in the decades we’ve been related. Also hubby and I are getting old enough and have enough accumulated medical things between us that I can easily explain why it unfortunately just WON’T BE POSSIBLE.