The handicapped people who honestly sincerely can’t help themselves are a novel social problem.
ISTM it’s totally on her husband to keep her in bounds, or prevent her from entering situations where it’s a near certainty she’s going to go out of bounds. It is not up to general society to simply look on in kindly bemusement as what appears to be an adult acts like a toddler.
Let me ask the OP a question in a different way. If you had known exactly how this visit was destined to go, spice reorgs and all, would you still have said yes to their visit? For that matter, how many more days of surprises are on tap for you today & subsequent?
I guess i have more spices than you have. Or maybe i am just more territorial than you are. I would have blown up at this point. That, honestly, would have bothered me a lot more than the inconvenient dinner. I probably wouldn’t have actually thrown her out of the house, but I’d have seriously considered it, and I’d certainly have said something, shortly after i noticed. I’d have done my best to say something nicely, “please don’t rearrange my stuff, i know where i put it and i like it that way. Here are some other tasks you might be able to help with” but I’d have been thinking “what the fuck have you done to my kitchen. Get the hell out of it!” And trying really hard not to growl that out.
There’s absolutely no way i would have thanked her for messing up my things, and I’d have don’t my very best to make sure she didn’t move on to rearranging other things.
I currently live in the burbs, and don’t get a ton of house guests. But we used to live in Manhattan, and everyone stayed with us. And even though it was a nuisance (the “guest bedroom” was the living room, and they slept on the sofa bed) i enjoyed seeing my friends, and was happy to provide hotel service. In a month, I’ll be staying with friends in Chicago. I’ll spend a day with them, a day doing things they have no interest in, and then they’ll drop me off at an actual hotel where I’m going to a business meeting. (Paid for by not-me.) So i get the dynamics, on both sides. But part of what made me willing to put people up was my guests treating my space with respect.
Personally, I’m not a big fan of amateurs assigning diagnoses to people who may just be clueless, self-absorbed jerks.
She wants to pack up and leave after being told she unnecessarily inconvenienced you? Hasta la vista, baby! Don’t let the door hit you in the ass…
I wouldn’t have read her the riot act, but after the first “favor” I hope I would’ve said, “I noticed you rearranged my pantry. I really like the way my house is organized, so please don’t reorganize things. If you need something, just ask and I’ll get it for you.” I don’t think I would even say, “I appreciate the sentiment,” because I don’t think that is honest. And I DIDN’T appreciate it. I actually suspect she did this for HER, more than for YOU.
If I let the first one go, I SURELY HOPE I would say that after the second. And I’d say something like, “We love your company. But we really like the way our home is set up. All we wish of you is your pleasant company.”
After the dinner, I’d probably ask them to find a hotel.
I probably oughtn’t talk, tho, as I generally don’t care to have overnight guests or to be overnight guests in others’ homes. Hey - maybe I have a pathology that needs amateur diagnosing!
