Charlize Theron, Patricia Arquette, Wynona Ryder.
[joke] I plan to stalk them. [/joke]
Gals I hate to betray a mate’s trust but you’re too special for me to let you be lead on. Russ and I were talking the other day* and he admitted that he sometimes led a few people girls on and he couldn’t really help it. He also admitted that he’d met three Dopers (he knows the board because of my presidency) online and felt an attraction for their brain, bods and oh yeah personality (his words).
I feel I need to tell you that he is sadly not in a one woman phase at the moment. I don’t want to see either of you hurt here.
But the question is… [mole voice] who is the Third Doper?[/mole voice]
[sub]* think about it[/sub]
Jeff Hardy…
There’s a WWF pay-per-view taping ih Chicago in April. One of my friends is scoring backstage passes so hardygrrl will be there working her magic.
At the very least i want to meet him and get a picture taken w/ him.
In a perfect world I’d be riding him like a circus pony.
Tristan: “painful operations to make yourself more like Tom Green”?
Don’t tell me your dropping the ball…
heh heh:)
Of course everyone knows my crush is Ralph Nader. So far I’ve sent him socks for his birthday.
Next, a tie,casue I am sick of seeing that red one , which seems to be the Only one he has!
I have only one active celebrity crush right now - Sarah Mclachlan, but I’m not doing anything to win her. Previous crushes have included Xena, Warrior Princess and Colombian rock/pop star Shakira. I’ve just recently gotten tired of Jennifer Lopez after a long-standing lust-obsession. I hope she doesn’t read this, she’ll be crushed.
I’ve got a huge crush on Jodie Foster…
…to win her affections, I plan to shoot Reagan.
Well, SOMEONE had to say it!
DOH! Meg Ryan… how could I forget meg ryan!!! She was my celebrity crush LAST month. I have to add her back into my list.
Trish Goff. My plan? Well, since I can’t seem to find anyone willing to admit they like heroin chic, I guess I’ll be the only man left on earth willing to date her. 
George Clooney. I plan on just casually bumping into him at some sort of big Hollywood event. You know, the premiere of the movie that was based on my bestselling novel? He’ll gush over how big a fan he is of my work, and then I’ll do the same for him. He’ll say he’s read my latest novel and would like to option the film rights.
It will be his first directorial debut, and we will be on the set together all the time. We’ll try, at first, to deny our animal attraction to each other, but it will be more than either of us can resist. Boy Next Door will be heartbroken, and whatever half-my-age bimbo George is seeing will start sending me dead rats in the mail, but that’s the way love goes.
I"m still undecided. It’s between Will Friedle, Billy Zane, Christian Bale and Ewan McGregor. Bale and McGregor are both married-I like a challenge, but McGregor would be the most difficult, being as he’s so infatuated with his wife and his little girl, it would be hard to get past them.
Zane is free, but he’s allergic to cats, so him and I could never be. All in all, I think Will Friedle is my best bet.
I need a plan of attack, however.
Oh, and beth, I’ve got tons of pictures of Kate Winslet, since I think she’s just the coolest chick on the planet. I don’t have a crush on her, but I think she’s the bee’s knees.
Susan Sontag. I’m a sucker for intellectuals with sexy silver streaks in their hair.
I plan to steal up softly behind her with a large burlap sack in my hands and quickly fling it over her, then carry her off to an isolated cabin in the Catskill Mountains.
Susan Sontag? You’ll have to woo her from the baleful presence of her over-rated photographer girlfriend Annie Liebowitz first, Ike . . .
How about Renata Adler? She’s an intellectual with sexy silver streaks in her hair, too!
Leaving my own puerile fantasies aside (did someone say Uma Thurman?), I’d like to offer my services as a go-between for all you sicko perverts out there.
Here’s my plan: you send me lots of money, fast cars, high-fashion clothes and gift certificates to Beverly Hills plastic surgeons and I will transform myself into one of the Beautiful People. Then, while I’m moving in the classiest circles I will try to remember all you little people and your silly little requests. If I’m not too busy (and not interested myself) I’ll mention you to some of the “lesser lights”, telling them what a thrill it would be for someone of their stature to acknowledge your existence. Then we’ll laugh and hire additional security guards.
I like my plan. What do you think? Do you think someone like Uma Thurman would like my plan? Do you think she would like me? Next time you see her, would you ask her? OK?
Oh well. Maybe I can borrow Ike’s burlap sack when he’s done with it. What? The police are keeping it as evidence?
Uh oh…looks like we may be isolated in that cabin for a bit longer than I’d originally planned…hope I laid in plenty o’ canned beans.
How about Joyce Carol Oates? She’s cute, although she looks as if she might snap in two if subjected to any rough treatment. Does she like boys?
Uke, I think you should try Camille Paglia.
As for me, Gary Sinise and Ray Liotta do it for me. I plan to get them together and let them try to outbid each other for a night with me. Then I’ll tell them I’ll take money from both of them and we’ll all go to bed together.
I’m still working on getting them together, and getting them to be interested enough in me to bid, but those are just nitpicky details.
Also, there is a guy named Steve who hosts “Circle Time” on the Disney Channel in the mornings. He does something to me. Maybe I’ll make him some nice paste and playdough and a construction paper mobile and he’ll just fall head over heels for me.
The closest I can come to a celebrity crush is sort of backwards. My SO gets told by random people (such as the checkout girl at the grocery) that he looks like Ben Affleck. I don’t really see the resemblance, but it’s happened more than once…so I guess there’s some validity*.
In any case, now that the association has been made in my mind, when I’m lonely for my honey, I pop in a Ben Affleck movie. 
*[sup]Just for the record, I do all I can to keep his ego in check after these incidents…[/sup]
I focus on local “celebrities”, like my boss and the Mayor, and try to win them by volunteering for things. So far, those celebrities have not taken my hints that I want to know them better on a personal level, but I have lots of time.
If you’ve met me, you know my favorite celeb crush…or you haven’t been paying attention. Hey, hey–he was a Monkee, and I’ve had the pleasure to meet him on several occasions (Peter Tork if you’ve missed it), which I think makes my position more unique than most celebrity crushers.
To answer the second part, nothing really. I wouldn’t know what to do with him if I’d won him (or what I’d do without Phil for that matter…while I adore the Torkman, don’t think I’m ready to trade my soulmate for him). If I were hard pressed to impress him, I’d probably talk music, books and politics!