Well, okay 3-5 months, sure. But “a couple years”? I don’t need that long to realize that I’m sexually incompatible with someone.
Well, then you’re just that much better than a lot of people. And there’s also the fact that sexual compatibility might not necessarily be an immediate dealbreaker for everyone. Human relationships are very complicated and messy. Decisions don’t get made promptly or efficiently, necessarily.
Well, Daniel is a jerk, or at least weird, but I don’t think he comes into the story very much.
Overall, I would say Cathy. I think it is unrealistic to expect to be included in someone else’s parties because she feels entitled to it. And she shouldn’t have dropped Ernesto over the issue, that’s tacky.
Alice’s jerkiness or not depends on too many nuances not captured here … was it “ha ha ha, I’ll keep inviting you while you’re dating so that Bob can see what he’s missing, he’ll dump Cathy eventually” /evil laugh … or was it more like “okay, I tried to keep things friendly but you know, it’s just not pleasant or productive for me to to keep seeing my ex socially so I’m going to bow out of this friendship.”
Sometimes people don’t want to see an ex because it can be painful or sad, or it’s stopping one from moving on, those things are okay. It doesn’t mean someone is a bad or spiteful person if they are not comfortable seeing their ex socially, especially at their own parties.
The way that Alice rescinded the open invites matters, too. Was it “anyone may come, EXCEPT THOSE LOSERS BOB AND CATHY. If you want to invite them, you may grovel for me to approve, which I probably won’t, but you could still try.”
Or was it “dear friends, I don’t feel comfortable keeping up this relationship with Bob and Cathy due to our dating history, so I think I’m going to keep some distance there. Thanks for understanding.”
Having hangups with sex doesn’t make him a jerk. Him having moral qualms about giving sex but no problems receiving sex make him a selfish hypocritical asshat.
Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?
All sounds fairly normal human behavior. Cathy and Alice seem a little childish. I’ve been Ernesto before. I just didn’t let it bother me much.
tl;dr
They’re all jerks
That particular social group organized everything with Facebook events. The ‘before’ situation was that the event was open and any invitees could invite anyone else. The ‘after’ situation was that the event was closed and only the hostess could invite anyone else.
I don’t believe there was any “I HATE THOSE LOSERS” involved, but it was obvious to the group involved why the change occurred.
Having been through something similar recently, I can see it why it would be weird. But I don’t understand why Cathy is taking it so personally. If Bob is okay with it, then she should let it go.
Recently, I got upset because an ex of mine moved to my area (from Seattle) last fall without telling me. I had to find out about it through the grapevine weeks later. What further stung was that he feigned ignorance of the fact that he knew I was living here to mutual acquaintances of ours, which I found out through a forwarded email.
He did all of this although we’d been in regular contact with one another up until then and had been on friendly flirty terms. We hadn’t even had a real break up. It was very hurtful and puzzling to know that he was suddenly a stone’s throw away from me and didn’t tell me himself.
Within a couple months, he finally reached out to me. He blamed the whole thing on his jealous fiancee. How much that is true, I don’t know. But I don’t think its a coincidence that shortly after we resumed talking to each other again, we fell into old patterns of flirting and sexting with one another (I’m not proud of my participation in this, either). In hindsight, him not having any communication with me had probably been the right move. Contact with me has made it harder for him to be good bf.
Trying to be platonic friends with an ex is hard to do when you still have sexual chemistry with them, and its even more difficult when both of you are in relationships with other people. By not inviting Bob and Cathy to her parties, Alice is not necessarily revealing jealously. The more likely interpretation is that she doesn’t want to deal with the awkwardness of having her current bf in the same room as her former lover.
Cathy sounds naive to me. Like someone who has a superficial understanding of how relationships can affect people. If were her, I’d be happy that Bob and Alice were no longer in contact because that makes it less likely they’ll fall in bed with each other. She’s kind of crazy not to see that.
It is reasonable for Alice to choose who she invites to her parties.
It is reasonable, though awkward, for Cathy to marry the ex of a friend.
It is not reasonable for Cathy to want to dictate the choices her friends make.
I can see how the whole Cathy-Bob thing would be uncomfortable for Alice. Yes, maybe it’s a bit petty, but she is not ethically or morally required to set her feelings aside in order to provide Cathy access to their mutual social set. Cathy can just as easily invite these people to parties where she (Cathy) is the hostess.
Cathy may be peeved at being shunned by Alice, but in this context it shouldn’t be all that surprising. Cathy feelings of entitlement to be invited are a little self centered given what went down.
Ha, that’s funny, with FB it’s very black or white. I had been picturing this more of an offline dynamic, where Alice would have had to verbalize to others what was going on. Given the FB issue, that makes me think even more that Alice is in the clear.
You shouldn’t have to rely on a third party to see your friends, Cathy has nothing to complain about.
The one thing I didn’t see anyone bring up (though I may have just missed it) is that while Cathy realized that her and Daniel were sexually incompatible, her solution was to just jump at Bob. It took Bob to say he won’t help Cathy cheat that prevented that. Cathy was perfectly willing to cheat on Daniel until Bob put the brakes on. So for that reason, I picked Cathy.
As for the Daniel’s moral objections. Was it that he expected oral, or rather, as I read it - it was up to his girlfriend to decide what she was comfortable with. Ie, he wasn’t comfy with going down on her, but allowed her to determine what she was comfy with?
Daniel is a hypocritical jerk. Saving himself for marriage but he receives oral sex?! Or was this only a hypothetical discussion of what he would do/receive?
It was not hypothetical.
This I don’t know the answer to, but I would lean on the side of “it was an expectation that he would get some”. I believe there were many reasons nobody in the group liked Daniel.
Not really. She was probably trying to act like the cool ex-girlfriend for awhile, and then got tired of keeping up the act. As someone who has been in the same social circle as an ex-boyfriend, I can understand her feelings. When my ex left to go to college out of state, it was an immense relief to enjoy our mutual friends without the constant tension of having him nearby. And I wasn’t the only one who was tense. It was uncomfortable for everyone.
In my opinion, Cathy was the biggest jerk and that’s what I voted on the poll. Fine, if Daniel isn’t the kind of guy she is happy with, by all means break up. But I didn’t like how she started conceding and talking to Bob about it. Bob and Alice were well off, and it would have been better to leave their relationship alone and keep her personal problems to herself. Bob in my opinion was the second biggest jerk because he gave up Alice so easily. He was in a solid relationship with Alice. Oh and Daniel wasn’t a “lameosaur”; he simply isn’t the partying kind of guy and wants to put off sex until marriage. I don’t know how anyone can seriously vote that option. He simply just doesn’t want to have sex until marriage and doesn’t like partying. He’s actually a lot like me (so that’s why I may be a little biased in terms of defending him). I don’t really like to party (not that I ever did), play party games like “truth or dare”, and (as of now) have sex until marriage. I am also not very quick on talking with people, and I am one of those “sit in the corner” type of people.
This is completely normal, healthy human behavior.
Why are you so sure about this?
Hmm, yeah. You’re reading a lot into this that isn’t there.
Actually, you’re right. There’s nothing in the OP that specifies about the solidness of Bob and Alice’s relationship. I was under the impression that they were given that it said they had a healthy sex life and have been dating for a year. But later in the OP, it says they don’t have much in common. Sorry about that assumption.
Is Daniel the guy on the (James Daughton)?
Yeah, he’s a douche.
Bob and Cathy are all right. They did nothing wrong and didn’t betray anyone.
Alice seems a little like a bitch, but I get the feeling there is altercation between Alice and Cathy that has not been described.
Ernesto? Snooze.
Well, if nobody else is going to ask…
Are you Bob or Ernesto?