First, and with all due respect, I have to mirror the sentiments of those who suggest that a follow up to that is necessary. I’d have to say that it might be doing more harm than good to take a natural and nearly universal behavior and say “there’s something better” and not say what. Remember that Steve Martin movie “Parenthood”? (I think that was it.) Take a look at how Keanu Reeves’s character handles the single mom’s problem with her son’s dirty movies. It may not be the best solution, but it seems like a pretty good one. After all, it’s not like he’s torturing cats.
Second, what does that have to do with “learning about women”? Guys are visually stimulated, they like (need?) to look at women while doing their thing. Nothing is going to change that. Certainly you or Ivylad should help him learn about women–how to talk to them, get to know them, get their pants off…er, I mean how to be close without getting too close–but that’s got nothing to do with what’s going on in the bathroom. Plus, some might contend that healthy visual stimulation might help promote a healthier fantasy life, which may help promote a healthier person. I’ve seen a few serial killer documentaries that discuss how a particular killers fantasy life went sour when the covers of crime magazines were the only visual stimulation available to him. So it might not be so bad to let a Vicki’s Secrets catalog “accidently” go missing in the house.
Polycarp has it right on! Why not Our Bodies, Ourselves, or some similar book? I know it’s for girls/women but that won’t stop him, I guarantee it.
I give a big thumbs up to Joey P, also. (Although - spellchecker is your friend!) The best way to deal with budding sexuality is to acknowledge it and deal with it. The kid’s growing up, he’s going to be interested. Where would you rather he learned, from his friends or from you? I’ll also guarantee that his friend’s are equally ignorant and what little they do know will be expressed in an extremely gynophobic way (is that a word?) Let me say it differently: They’ll be talking shit about girls. They’re awestruck and nervous, but that won’t matter - their attitude will still suck.
The worst that can happen if you help your son learn about sexuality is that you’ll end up educating all his friends also. Is that so bad?
Lastly, if you can’t stomach giving him the stuff directly there’s always the stealth technique. Leave it somewhere that he’d have to look for it, but won’t have too hard a time finding it - bookcase in your room, say.
BTW, I know there are also a lot of books for teen boys on growing up, but I have my doubts as to whether or not a book for teen boys would be worth it. After all, it doesn’t appear that he’s interested in teen boys. I’m inclined to believe that a good book on teen girls would be much more fascinating, and likely to be read.
First, I apologized for walking into the bathroom without knocking. I told him he was old enough for some privacy, and that I would knock from now on.
Then I told him if he had anymore of those booklets around, to put them where his sister and his baby cousins couldn’t find them. His response?
“I’ve got the coolest mom ever!”
I told him that I understood he was interested in sex, and that he needed to be discreet. I also told him if I found any drugs or cigarettes or alcohol in his room, he would lose his right to privacy.
I also told him (again) that he had his whole life for marriage and babies, and that right now, he had to concentrate on school. I told him I did not want him to be a father at 16 or get a disease.
Apparently he has a few more of these booklets (he told me) and that they would be well hidden. I asked him if he had any questions, and he said, “No, not for you.” (meaning his father, I suppose)
Well, I think I’m past that hurdle. I’ll let you know when the next one comes up.
Okay, I have to say if my parents gave me any kind of device or visual aid when I was fifteen I would have been really really creeped out! He’s not exactly going to be in short supply with all his little hornball 15 year old friends . A follow up convo would be a good idea though. Just to let him know that masturbation and whatnot are natural and fine but aids should be kept well hidden from Mom.
Nobody’s brought this up and maybe I’m the only one but I would talk with the boy about respecting women. Not that Playboy is horrible about depicting women but it is an objectification of women and you might want to let your boy know that women are not only sexual objects. It sounds like he already knows but a little lesson in respect can’t hurt.
I did mention the booklets were trashy, and that wasn’t what real love was. He told me his father said he knew it was real love with me because the rest of the women were “vanilla ice cream” compared to me.
I’m not quite sure, but I think that’s a compliment.
It would be for me; vanilla ice cream is dull next to an excellent chocolate.
It sounds like you handled (pardon the pun) everything reasonably. I bet he was as embarassed as you were, or more. I’d DIE if my mom caught me masturbating, and I’m hardly a teenager anymore.
When my dad died, my mom and I had to clean out his apartment. I was horrified to find a small pile of porn in the closet. She was amused, and explained it to me as one of those man things – I was seventeen, more than old enough to know EXACTLY what he’d been doing with those. They were given to a friend’s husband, with the friend’s blessing. None of it was disturbing, mostly just nekkid women.
I’d never imagined it. But who wants to think of their parents and sex?
He mentioned that, and I mentioned that I was also embarrassed. That kind of eased the tension a bit, and now he’s been asking me, “How can you break a penis?” and “How does a woman get pleasure?”
good grief, what ever happened to nat. geograghic?!?
ivylass, i did a quick amazon search to see what is out there. there is a book called “your penis, a users guide” that sounds interesting…the need to know library has a book called “everything you need to know about growing up male,” and " the male body: an owner’s manual."
Books. If I were you, I’d find him some good solid book or two on sexuality. Personally, I’d look for one about men and one about women. Just don’t make a production out of giving them to him. I’d probably just drop them on his desk chair or something, where he’ll find them. He obviously knows that you aren’t going to have a heart attack – at least in front of him – knowing that your baby boy wants to know about S-E-X. My mom was pretty casual about the whole sex thing and she trusted me enough to tell me to BE CAREFUL DAMMIT!!! but if you really want to, fine, it’s your decision. The more he knows about the potential downsides of sex, the less he may want to have it for a while. That’s the effect hearing about diseases and stuff had on me, at least.
Now, keep in mind, I don’t have kids, though I did have to explain menstruation to my brother when he found some evidence of it and there was nobody else around. I think he was nine or ten. It was somewhat embarassing, but he was worried about me when he found said evidence. I gave him the basics and let it go at that. I mean, the kid had to know, we were sharing a bathroom and everything. If he’d ever come to me with really guy-specific sex questions I’d have sent him to the Man of the House to talk about it, though, seeing as I don’t have a penis or really know how to use one.
As a male who’s almost sixteen years old perhaps my opinions would be of use:
-I’m a bit skeptical of the giving your son a playboy, personally, that would creep the hell out of me, however, I have friends who have had their parents give them material so the practice is not completely uncommon.
-I commend ivylass for attempting to communicate with her son. The most important thing is to be honest and provide pure, factual information, no dodging around the issue with, “Well, when two people love each other much” and with “The Adventures of Sammy Sperm and Emma Egg” (an actual video my school presented my class in sixth grade.)
-Gerneralizations are hard to make because in some cases a teen will actually know what they need to know whereas other times teens are just shy or don’t want to discuss it with their parents. Generalizations I can make is that things such as sex is more of an issue given a child’s environment. I’ve found that among those I go to high school with (an upper-middle class private school) the people tend to be behind public school kids in terms of sexual behavior and experimentation (the same goes for alcohol, drugs, and tobacco.)
-I’ve heard of many parents giving their kids condoms along with the message, “I don’t advocate you doing this, but if you’re going to do it, use these.” I think if your child is prone to sex this is the right technique.
-Parents should start earlier than they think with the sex speak, by the time a kid is in 5th or 6th grade they have, to an extent, a concept of what sex, by the end of middle school most will know how it works. Even if in simplified terms start talking about sex at a pretty young age. Also, because some enter puberty as young as 12 and are therefore technically capable of reproducing at that age, that seems to be an ideal age to start discussing more of the emotional aspects of sex.
-And try not to lecture, try to make it more of a discussion.
-Explain that people can get STD’s from oral sex.
-Oh, and as others have stated, knock before entering and provide tissues.
If you’re looking for a good, factual book to get him, I highly recommend anything by Dr. Ruth. I took a lower division human sexuality class last quarter, and the text book was Human Sexuality: A Psychosocial Perspective which might be a bit above your son, but if he’s a smart kid or an active reader I wouldn’t put it out of range. It’s really well written, and very thorough. It covers everything from anatomy to gender identity, sexual expression from childhood on, sexual health, and, you know, the mechanics of it all. In fact, it’s a good read for anyone, heh.
She’s got a bunch of other books that may be more age appropriate, including Sex for Dummies and Dr. Ruth Talks to Kids: Where You Came From, How Your Body Changes, and What Sex Is All About although I can’t say how good these are as I’ve never read them.
Uhm, I hate to be the evil person who un-masks creepy middle schoolers and freshmen, but I have a little brother who tells me everything (no details, thank god), and is about the same age (14 going on 15 in June). He has apparently done just about everything but have sex, because he knows that he shouldn’t be having sex now, because he’s not mature enough.
However, I just learned that he was over at this girl’s house (not w/ parental permission) and she went upstairs, and came down with a condom. This was AT LEAST 6 months ago. I just about decked him and hunted her down. Luckily for her, she moved. This is my LITTLE BROTHER.
My parents are good parents, uptight, but they love us, and don’t scream at us, even when we push major boundaries. This guy slept over at my house one time when my parents were away, and the baby-sitter caught us. We were literally sleeping (I’m still a virgin), but I thought my parents were going to kill us. I was 16. Anyway, my point is that things are happening that you don’t know about. Not because you’re a bad parent. Not even because you’re uptight like my parents (you aren’t). But stuff like this can happen with your kid, and I hope he comes and talks to you.
One last thing. Teenage girls are as horny as teenage guys, including masturbation. That or my friends and I are the biggest freaks in the world… :rolleyes:
Dammit girl. That last part about teen girls being horny was a horrible thing to say. I’m the proud but presently freaked out father of a 15 year old girl. Aaaargh!
I don’t know what it would be like if she was a he but there is no way, just no way at all that I’m going to discuss masturbation with my daughter.:o
Thanks for a really uhhh . . .“interesting” thought this morning.:eek:
Just don’t ever do what my Mother did. I got given a book called “Boy’s Growing Up” and an embarressed “Read this, if there is anythign you don’t understand you can ask”.
I read the book. When I got to the section on Masturbation I noticed my Mother had written between the lines, “This is Wrong! This is not what God gave you a penis for!”
I shall be bringing my children up somewhat differently to my Parents.
There is a very good book called “The Guide to Getting It On” by Paul Joannides that covers most every sex-related topic you can think of, objectively, in detail, and in plain English. The thing’s 50 chapters long and has 640+ pages, with illustrations. It’s an excellent read for anyone, but I think you’d find the chapters on explaining sex to kids and general sexuality would be valuable.
Sadly, the excerpt Amazon has posted is lacking for substance. (The one they have up is one of the weaker chapters.) For the best idea of what the book’s like, check out the table of contents. Obviously, you won’t let him read the entire book (after all, he doesn’t need to know about finger-fucking yet), but he’ll still find it an interesting read. You could always read the book before he does and bookmark the sections that cover topics you want to discuss with him later, and then sit down and read it and talk about it with him. You could point out where and how you agree and disagree with the book, and then find out what he thinks, and go from there.
With luck, your local library will have it. If not, Borders or B&N should. Good luck.
My daughter is 7. She is, according to my mother, the same as I was at her age in regards to will, and attitude.
She is pale, redheaded, blue eyed, with just a smattering of freckles across her nose and long long legs that are going to look great when she gets older (her mothers did, at any rate).
I hear there are some lovely convents.
In Italy. sigh
I’m inclined to believe that a good book on teen girls would be much more fascinating, and likely to be read.