But, RES, the problem is that, consciously or unconsciously, a man is probably not going to appreciate a woman for pointing out to him (whether she meant to or not) that he is acting inappropriately. And that discomfort may come back around – again, perhaps purely subconsciously – when it’s time to hand out the professional goodies, like contracts or clients or assignments: “Joe’s our new client, but he has a mouth like a septic tank, so I’d better not give his account to Jane, because he wouldn’t want to swear around a lady, and since she’s a lady, she probably wouldn’t appreciate his swearing anyway . . . .”
So you swear like a sailor around the boys, and then the mere presence of a woman makes you realize you shouldn’t do that? What’s up with that? Why does it take a woman breathing the same air as you to make you realize you’re acting inappropriately – if, indeed, you believe you are? And even if you thank her for bringing that to her attention – something she apparently can’t help but do, because of her gender – do you really think other men feel as thankful to have their inappropriate behavior pointed up? (Again, something she isn’t even doing, but apparently in your world cannot avoid doing, simply by existing.) Do you think they feel as comfortable around someone with whom they have to censor their usual means of discourse, in order to avoid something they presume will offend?
And the thing is, they don’t presume it will offend because swearing is vulgar or profane – they assume it will offend because she is a woman. Don’t you see what a disservice this is to her? It may be a “good thing” to you, because it reminds you to behave yourself as you apparently believe you ought, but believe me, it’s almost never a good thing for her. Please try not to act differently around your female colleagues than you do your male colleagues – it almost never benefits the women. If you feel you cannot swear around one or the other group, then decide not to swear in front of either of them.
The swearing thing is actually a very good example of the bind women continue to find themselves in. As a woman, I cannot join in and swear like a truckdriver, even if I wanted to, because that is still considered an inappropriate thing for a woman to do – it will mark me instantly, in the eyes of some men (IMO, a lot of men) as “coarse,” “vulgar,” and “unfeminine.” Of course, these same men don’t find it coarse coming from a man’s throat, only from a woman’s. So a woman can’t be one of the group, because if she even tries to do so, by jumping on the fuckety-fuck-fuck wagon herself, she only sets herself even further off from the men. In other words, we have this club, you can’t come in, and if you even try to come in, then we’ll think less of you. It’s surpassingly frustrating.
I don’t care if people swear or not. I generally don’t (believe it or not). But don’t forbear to swear around me “because I’m a woman,” at least not in the professional sphere. Any action by you that has the effect of setting me apart from the men professionally – whether you are well-intentioned or not – is not going to help me. So please don’t do it.
