I haven’t been married in a very long time, but I distinctly remember this conversation being repeated during my short, hellish one:
Him: How come you don’t want to have sex?
Me: Because I don’t feel close to you. I have to feel close to you to want sex with you.
Him: I have to have sex with you in order to feel close.
And the circle went on…
And in my experience since with dating and sex- I’ve rarely dated a man that matched my high sex drive, so I can definitely see how half the time it would be the man with the lower drive.
That’s one of the differences, IMO, between men and women. My hubby would have sex with me even if he were angry at me. I would not have sex with him if I were angry with him. It’s not that I’m “witholding”; I don’t feel like having sex in a situation like that.
I don’t attach any value judgement to that. It’s one of those things that just “is”.
I’m not sure that’s a difference between men and women. It’s a difference between people. Personally, I’m a fan of angry sex. It means I get to have sex AND sleep alone. I wouldn’t expect all women to feel the same way, but I wouldn’t expect all men to either. Some guys are good for any time anywhere under any circumstances, but really, the vast majority? Not so much. That’s because the majority of *people *aren’t *really *good for sex any time anywhere under any circumstances.
Seriously, the single most amusing thing in this thread is the idea that a woman who would have a video store strangers gang bang has a “normal” male libido.
Just as wives can “let themselves go”, so can husbands. There are probably countless numbers of men who have stopped having sex after their wives have gained a lot of weight and abandoned makeup and dropped the heels in favor of the sensible shoes. But we don’t blame this drop in lust on his libido, but rather on his wife.
Passion waxes in women in a similar way. Sometimes it’s not even because a man has let himself go, so to speak. Not being married, I can only speculate. But I wouldn’t be surprised if as a marriage progresses and children are born and wives become more embedded in the homemaker role (even if she works outside of the home), husbands stop looking like lovers to their wives, and more like big, hairy children. Another mouth to cook for, another body to pick up after, another person who needs to be told what to do (a self-imposed “need”, I might add). When women see themselves as being someone’s mommy-like caretaker, it’s hard to generate arousal. This is why romantic gestures are recommended treatments for this rut, as it helps remind the woman of the time she felt desirable by the man she desired.
Past experience has shown me that nothing dries me up quicker than doubting whether or not my SO finds me attractive. Because my self-image is pretty good, when that happens I’m more apt to think something is wrong with him not me, so I break up with the guy. But in women with poor self-image or women who are committed to maintaining their vows, breaking up is not so easy, so they endure the lack of passion.
Or, they cheat on their husband with the 21-year old next door neighbor who tells her she is hot. Not all women in sexless marriages are going without sex.
I hear what you are saying about your own experience with angry sex. Personally, I prefer make-up sex, which definitely has some of that angry energy left in it.
This is a slight hijack, but I think it’s relevant to Polerius’ OP question. DianaG’s post did inspire my question, but it’s a general question and not directed to her specifically. If a group of SDMB posters says that “we think that men and women tend to differ with respect to X,” are they necessarily saying that they think *all *men and women differ with respect to X? Is there a middle ground where it’s acceptable/useful to talk about sexual or gender stereotypes without presuming to pigeonhole a particular individual? Is there value in trying to account for differences that we think we see in our own experiences of the men and women that we know? (Note: I’m not saying that this thread in general, or any particular poster in it, is necessarily providing successful explanation(s) or rebuttal of the issues being discussed – it’s just a general question.)
Yeah…I feel the same way. I mean, I’ve had a pretty high libido a lot of times in my life–but I’d probably never do the gang bang in a video store because of the whole fear of rape thing.
Anyway, these threads kind of perversely amuse me in the same way. “Why are women like this–let’s analyze this odd species!” Pull up a chair and some popcorn for me.
Jesus H. Christ… if we *like *sex, we must have daddy issues or have been abused. If we don’t like sex, we must have daddy issues or have been abused. Men of course don’t have these kinds of issues because they actually grow up, whereas women just grow breasts. :rolleyes:
Exactly. For the record, it annoys me every bit as much when the same question is posed about men.
I think it depends. There’s probably value in discussing social roles an stereotypes and why we think they so tenaciously outlive their usefulness. But usually these questions pop up about sex and relationships, and if there’s a bigger waste of time and energy than trying to figure out “women” or “men” as opposed to the particular person you’re dealing with, I can’t think of it.
Maybe the guy is just really bad at sex and doesn’t ever take care of the wife’s needs, thinking if he’s satisfied she is too, so eventually the woman just says, “Why bother”?
Decent data comparing female and male sexual dysfunction and sex habits can be difficult to obtain. Many studies are out there, but some of the most hyped are the least accurate, at least as actual science. The Journal of Sexual Medicine is one of the better sources of decent information out there.
And the take-home message from the better information out there is that male and female sexual drive, taken on average, are different. Yes, there are plenty of exceptions, but as a rule men desire sex more consistently, and are turned on by visual erotica most readily and rapidly. And women with low sex drives do tend to outnumber men with low sex drives across a number of diverse cultures.
And sex drives change over a person’s lifetime, too. Many women find their own libidos increasing by a large amount in their 40’s and 50’s, with the kids becoming independent and moving out. And at the same time, many men find their libidos have waned, due to age and their own hormonal changes.
Add in the fundamental communication difficulties inherent in many marriages, add a dash of discomfort about sexuality due to cultural factors, and it’s lucky there are any couples who manage to match up their sexual needs on a regular basis.
My sense of it is that there is a different threshold for men and women for how much negative feeling they can tolerate and still enjoy sex. I think most guys could enjoy sex as long as negativity remains under about 50%. I think for women negativity has to be under about 10%.
Maybe this could also be written in reverse about thresholds for positive feelings.
I’d be interested in hearing what lady dopers think about this. Disagreements certainly would be listened to.
I heard a joke once - an Irish joke, but you can substitute the joke ethnic designation of your choice. An Irishman was being taken to court for refusing to pay for repairs to his neighbour’s lawnmower, which he’d returned in a damaged condition after borrowing it. Counsel announced that the defence would be founded on a threefold argument; firstly, the defendant had never borrowed the lawnmower; secondly, that it was already damaged when he borrowed it; thirdly, that it was returned in perfect condition.
Oh, one other point, I think women hold out for better sex than men will settle for. From textsfromlastnight . com today: “It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.”
1 People, (of both sexes even!) have different libidos…and they tend to change over time
2 It is nobody’s ‘fault’ that those libidos are different.
3 Things work best when both parties recognize that and communicate. That means the lower libido person occasionally ‘puts out’, and the higher libido person spends a little additional ‘me time’ in the shower, on occasion.
