I think your frame of mind has allowed you to build your need for help into something much more poisonous than it is.
Who says you need to call a bunch of people? Call one. Maybe two. Who says you will need to do anything resembling begging?
“Hey, it’s me. I know it’s been a little while since we’ve talked, so I was calling to see how you’re doing and get caught up. Could I ask you a favor? I’m still struggling with X. Do you think you’d be able to do Y for me sometime this week?”
I can guarantee you that if ANYONE I cared about – family, friend, coworker, friendly acquaintance – asked for my help, I’d give it. But I’m not going to know how to help unless I am asked.
Well, if you’re determined to characterize it as ‘begging’ instead of speaking up, or taking people at their word and contacting them if you need anything, then that’s on you.
I know you’re depressed and injured and that truly sucks, to be sure. But it’s not going to get any better by stewing in resentment. Characterizing your friends offers of help as ‘lip service’ does both you, and them, a grave injustice. You should be ashamed.
No one gets through life unscathed. Everyone struggles. Life can grind you down or it can polish you into a gem. The choice, my dear, is yours.
Your friends are not psychic. When they said, “Call me if I can do anything.”, they were being sincere. When you responded, “Yes, I will”, you were apparently the one offering only lip service.
Pull yourself together and pick up a phone, it won’t kill you. Don’t you see the irony of you slagging them for not having called you, when you can’t be bothered to call them?
Yes, it will be a challenge, no, it won’t be easy. But they are willing to help you, you’re the one not willing to ask for help. I’m pretty sure you’ve done other difficult things in your life, you can do this too, trust us.
If you can’t do it, and you can’t ask your friends, then it’s time to start looking at professionals. Can you hire a cleaning lady? I know you just thought I can’t afford that but check into it. It may be lots cheaper than you think.
If you have a church or other formal social organization, do they have an “in-reach” program? My church, just as an example, has an email list for people who are willing to help with rides and meals.
In answer to the direct question in the OP, simply because the crisis is over.
I’m willing to give up a lot of my time to help a friend through a really hard time, but I can’t abandon my own responsibilities permanently or ignore my other friends (who may be going through crises of their own) to continue to help someone who doesn’t really need my help.
If I make the offer to do “anything” for someone and no call for my help is received, I do other things.
Please call one of your friends and take them up on the offer I’m sure they made and meant sincerely.
I don’t understand why you expect them to know what you need or why you’ve dismissed their offers as lip service. I’ve meant it when I’ve said it, but I can’t read minds.
WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO THIS SHIT? While it is fine to tell someone that they need to change their thinking, telling them they should be ashamed of it is asshole behavior. You’ve gone beyond the line of helping, and are instead kicking someone when they are down.
The last thing you need when you are depressed is some psychological ignorance about how you should be ashamed for it. All it accomplishes is to make the person feel less able to anything about it. Your moral judgments are the last thing you should be throwing out at people.
And the shit about everyone else struggling doesn’t help, either. All it does is make you less likely to ask for help, since you don’t want to make them have to struggle more.
This is the reason that having people only help when asked is a good thing. It helps filter out the people who are too ignorant to actually help without making you feel worse. Yeah, some moralizers will slip through, but you now know not to ask those people for help. Remember that they are the ones being shitty, not you. Don’t let them make you feel worse.
They’re not saying the OP should be ashamed for not asking for help, but for characterizing what may have been genuine offers of assistance as mere lip service. Just 'cause you’re stressed and depressed doesn’t give you a free ride to slag your friends for not being mind readers.
ETA: Not that it was the best way to put it, nor the most tactful, nor necessarily helpful.
IME, it most often IS lip service. I think the OP should make an attempt–and NOT come across as Eeyore when she does it. BUT.
She should also be prepared for the contingency that the offer was not sincere. I’m glad she’s getting help and she needs to continue to do so. Hell, when I first went to therapy, all I did was cry the entire hour–exhausting, but it was the only safe place I could cry. That alone was incredibly healing. Now, I’m not saying she needs to do what worked for me, but it might help her to trust her therapist and vent some of the stuff she has mentioned here in her session. Consider therapy a safety valve for now–siphon off some of the toxic stuff; you’ll get to the real work soon enough. (and you won’t get to it until you’ve cleared some of the poisonous stuff out, IMO).
One thing I learned as an adult: there are very few people in the world thoughtful or compassionate enough to continue to initiate offers after a crisis*. It’s not done out of malice, but I am sure that her friends have moved on. That doesn’t mean they aren’t willing to help (in a small way), but it does mean that she is responsible for the heavy lifting. And honestly, this is her burden to lift. I say that not to be mean, but because it’s true.
Having a heart attack forces you to face your own mortality. That’s scary shit. Add to it job stress, anxiety about the kids, your future health etc–it’s overwhelming.
Stay in therapy. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend. Call ONE friend. Do not dump everything on them at once. Call with one specific thing, but be sure to ask after their welfare. One day at a time.
*having had 2 sisters die, a husband in ICU and a child who had 2 surgeries etc, I know of what I speak.
They say you when times are tough you find out who your friends are. I know I found out I didn’t any. I mean you figure OK, a few people won’t stick by you, but every last single one?
It woke me up, you really can’t count on anyone in your life.
That said, you are going to have to ask for help. The thing that confused you is the help offered in the beginning was not genuine. People did it because they felt it was expected.
If no one had helped you when you first had the heat attack, you would be used to it by now. But you believed the concern would continue and that was an error in judgement.
And that’s not a rap on you, I would’ve believed it too. After all when you are fighting for you life who thinks about things.
Right now you probably need long term and short term help. You should look online for support groups. Sometimes hospitals and such have referrals or the American Heart Society may have lists of groups in your area. Of course that is for the long term adjustment and not the short term.
This is why I encourage everyone if possible, get short term disability to help you because you can’t count on anyone.
My grandmother does this shit to my mom and it doesn’t sound like it’s any more real when you do it. Is your phone broke? No? Then call someone up and talk.
You had a heart attack, I’m sorry, I hope you feel better. Now wake up and realize that if you need help, don’t be afraid to ask for it. There’s nothing more frustrating than someone who needs help who, instead of asking for it, decides the best course of action is to sit in the corner and moan about how everyone has deserted you.
Jeez. I feel for you, and I understand that your head is in a space right now where everything is overwhelming and you are left out in the cold to deal with it all alone, but I have to chime in and echo what most other posters are saying about asking for that help. You have to ask for something specific, and here’s why.
I consider myself a good friend. I’m not always emotionally available to give uplifting pep talks or to actually come up with solutions to long term problems, but I am fucking GREAT in a crisis. I have friends whom I havent talked to in a few months while we’re both busy, but if they call me at three in the morning because they’re in jail or the hospital or something, I’m on it. You don’t even have to be one of my best friends to call for help in these situations, because it’s what I’m good at, and I like to be useful to my people for something.
However, not only do I have my own life to run, but I’m hypersensitive about intruding when things have calmed down a bit and nobody is currently in danger. I am not the best about making sure I’m the one who is called for those non specific things I’m not good at. I need direction and a plan to work with in those cases, so calling me to ask if I’ll go to the store or whatever is great as long as you know what you want and need from me.
I wouldn’t have any idea that you now think less of me because I haven’t been all up in your hair begging for something to do for you. That’s way too needy an attitude for me to deal with.
Every now and again, I take mental stock of my people and who is good at what, and how much of them I can expect to get for any given situation. For instance, I know I could call this guy for bail at 3 AM, but that other friend only wants to go makeup shopping with me every couple of months, and would be pissed if I woke her up for anything.
Seriously consider what kind of person you are to these people and you might have a better idea of what’s going on here.
Good luck. I am pulling for you that therapy helps.
They do this because people are the same people they always were. Some people are selfish. Some people have short attention spans. Some people are super busy at work.
People will revert back to who they were before the crisis even if you are in the same place.
Having gone through the worst crisis of my life in the last year, my advice is as follows:
-Be forgiving. It’s easy to be angry and cynical. Especially when you feel deserted. But at least for myself, that is not the world I want to live in.
-Suck it up and get yourself out there. You feel like more people should be around and you are right. This is your time. You shouldn’t have to make the phone calls or write the e-mails. You shouldn’t have to be the one checking in. Do it anyway.
So people are magically supposed to know that when they say “tell me if you need anything,” the person won’t actually tell them? And they’re supposed to further be able to magically distinguish between someone who’s not asking because they’re overwhelmed/waiting for someone to come to them (again) and someone who’s not asking because they neither need nor want further attention or assistance?
Speaking personally, I’d prefer that people were just honest up-front. Passive-aggressive games help no one.
How about instead of wracking your brain over why a friend who just went through a crisis isn’t calling you even after you went out your way to say “tell me if you need anything,” just like perhaps hundreds of other people this person has encountered during his/her crisis, you actually do the decent thing and call them?
Or don’t call them. In fact, never speak to them again. This person is clearly not worth knowing. You said the magic words. The ball is in their court.
Yes, it *is *in their court. People shouldn’t have to play mind games. If Person A says, “Tell me if you need anything!” and Person B says, “Thanks, I’ll do that,” Person A shouldn’t have to play guessing games to figure out if Person B *really *meant they’d ask for help if they needed it. Because some people really do want to be left alone, in which case it would be rude to keep bugging them to see if they need or want help. Once the offer is made, it’s up to Person B to either initially say “Actually, could you just check on me in a couple of weeks,” or to make the follow-up call to take Person A up on their offer after the fact.
I’ve definitely been where you’ve been, OP, both during my husband’s illnesses and after his death.
The best thing I found was a grief support group. Just talking helped so much. You’re facing a future that looks much different from anything you could have expected a year ago, and it has to be terrifying and frustrating, even when you’re getting a huge amount of support from friends and relatives.
Depression is so common after a heart attack. It’s like life isn’t done messing with you and has to keep the hits coming. Please consider going into therapy, especially therapists who specialize in dealing with chronic illness. Or see if you can find a support group for the same. Check local hospitals, senior centers, or even hospices.
As for getting the help you need from friends, make an effort to reopen any lines of communication you may have inadvertently closed. As others have said, your friends may be waiting for you to make the first move. Both sides can feel shy and daunted and scared out of ignorance about what to do and how to help or ask for help. There’s no shame in not knowing! Most of us don’t really get forced to learn, thank goodness.
Even if you just call a friend to talk, that can brighten your day. Try not to hold it against them if they don’t say the right things. They won’t know what to say. You might not either. And it’s okay. We’re all struggling in this world. Be gentle with yourself and with your loved ones.
I think those words are along the lines of “The check is in the mail” or “I’ll call you.” It’s what you say to be polite.
It’s really not. “If you need anything, call me,” is a direct invitation to lean on someone and ask for their help.
No, they aren’t looking for ways to help you, because in our culture, the only thing more obnoxious than a person who refuses to help a friend is a person who marches in and takes over a friend’s life without being asked.
Your friends don’t know that you’re in this much pain because you haven’t told them. In the weeks since your heart attack, they have thought of you many times, but because you assured them you didn’t need anything right then and agreed to call if you needed anything, there is no urgency to their thoughts. In the meantime, life interrupts. Kids get sick, pets have vet appointments, jobs get busy.
They have not abandoned you. They are waiting, like Batman, to get the signal that they are needed. Batman doesn’t show up unless he sees the signal.
I know. I’ve been there. Depression makes me feel worthless. I don’t call my friends because I’m convinced they don’t want to hear from me (they’d have called if they cared, right?). I can’t stand the way I sound, and I don’t want to inflict it on anyone else.
Look, it took my mom, my mom, ten years to figure out that if I stopped calling regularly, it was because I was sitting in a corner of my apartment, corroding with self-hatred. No one else has figured that out, and my life is filled with intelligent, caring people. If you’re like me, people are so used to you being chipper and bubbly, they can’t imagine you being seriously depressed. It honestly would never occur to them.
Picking up the phone and calling one of my best friends to say that I was hurting and needed company, just someone to talk to, was unbelievably difficult for such a simple task. I cringed at the thought of what I would sound like on the phone, and how my beloved friend would grimace and roll her eyes and put up with me out of obligation of our friendship and because she’s a genuinely sweet person.
But.
As soon as I heard her voice, as soon as I managed to say “I’m really down right now,” I heard her love and support come right though. It was instant proof that I mattered and that I was loved.
It was almost as hard to call my brother and ask if I could come over, because I needed company, and I had to get out. You know what he did? He took me to the zoo, and then he started telling me about all about how the meerkats were really drug dealers, and the dolphins? Tax cheats. He spent the day with me just to make me feel better.
And even then, it was just as horrible to call a coworker and ask him to finish a project for me, because I wouldn’t be in. And you know what? He was delighted. Because I’d helped him with something a few weeks previously, and he wanted to return the favor.
The Jewish tradition says it’s a mitzvah to allow others to help you, both a requirement and a blessing. But you don’t get let off so easily. The requirement is that you tell someone what you need, and by helping you, they are given the opportunity to fulfill their own mitzvahs and become better people.
DC, you are tired, you are hurting, you are lonely, you are depressed. It shades the way you think and feel. Your friends are waiting for the BatSignal. If they don’t see it, they can only assume that they’re not needed. They want to spring into action.
Reach out to one person. Give them a simple task that will ease your burden. Let them help you. It’ll happen. You’ll see.