Maybe I’m just extra naïve or have unusually healthy self-esteem, but I am continually amazed by advice columns, message boards etc where people talk in detail about the horrible, or maybe not abusive but downright unpleasant things their platonic friends or SOs of very short term (ie less than a year) do, and more or less asking how much they should have to tolerate of this crap.
I understand the dynamic more when it’s family or a long-term partner, where people have years to be gaslighted or acclimatized to bad treatment. But someone who you hang out with sometimes, or just started dating? And they are
-chronically late
-never reply to your communication
-say insulting things to you
-mock your hobbies
-refuse to do even basic things for you (cook a meal, celebrate something important to you, do a small favor, give you a compliment)
-only talk about themselves or refuse to share anything about themselves
-talk down to you, always criticize your career or parenting choices or wardrobe
Whyyyy do people stay friends or continue to date these people?
Because most people are doormats and/or are people who fear being alone more than they value finding a happy relationship.
Said another way:
By and large, people do not do what makes them long-term happy. Instead they do whatever avoids the most short-term pain.
Since each and every individual insult from a jerk SO is less traumatic and less effort than renting your own place and moving out, the path of least immediate pain is to absorb insult after insult after …
But posting on a message board about how crappy their partners/friends are is self-selecting and one-sided. “Never reply to your communication”. Who gets to set the rules on that?
I think any self esteem = “unusually high self esteem” for most people. Most people are needy and have a scarcity mindset and will accept a lot just to have anyone around giving them any attention. I’ve lost plenty of friends and “friends” by having basic boundaries and standards for treatment. It probably “helps” that I’m somewhat socially avoidant and don’t need a lot of social interaction. Still, sometimes people are even shocked when I don’t let “hot” women or eager bro friends walk all over me for no reason. I think most people seem conditioned and expect they can manipulate and treat people however they want because everyone is so needy and has low self-esteem.
All that said, even I still find myself in these situations from time to time. A bad marriage with an indefinite separation, a best friend I took a year and 7-8 attempts to move on from, etc.
The financial benefits/sex/security are good
The SO is just wonderful (or at least tolerable) in other aspects, so if the complainer could just change this one thing (but of course the odds of that are virtually nil)
Loneliness is considered worse than undergoing abuse
There’s a strong element of masochism: 1) the complainer enjoys being a martyr and getting sympathy from his/her other acquaintances 2) the complainer gets gratification from being slapped down by respondents on message boards and advice columns who tell her/him to grow a pair of gonads. Call it the ‘‘Dr. Laura syndrome’’.
There are worse things in life than not having an SO, or even in some cases friends. BTDTWTT. Life is too short to be around people who make you miserable.
As for people “never returning communication”, there’s a reason they don’t call or text you back. It’s because they don’t want you in their life and are too chickensh!t to just tell you.
Not that we’d ever truly find out… but there is always that nagging question in the back of our minds:
“Who would have us? Are we not flawed as f@ck? Aren’t there thousands of insults thrown at us weekly about how we’re not Chris Evans? What do we have to offer? Do we have gold Krugerrands for her to roll around on covering satin sheets? Are there enough so she can have those circular impressions on her tan that she desires so badly? Are we not just mules to be worked; pack animals bred to fork over a paycheck into an account we we don’t have even the smallest say over…?”
Trying to help my sister get out of bad relationship right now, what to do seems straight forward to me. Offered assistance in every way possible, and I’m there for her. But she can’t seem to make the leap to liberating herself.
And I really don’t like this guy, to the point I haven’t talked to him or been to her house in over a year.
I don’t think it has to be self-esteem issues to think you’re lucky to have what you have. For some people, even finding someone to date at all is a hard thing that took a long time or a large amount of effort. They may still see their current situation as better than their previous situation, and not want to put in the time and/or effort to find something better.
I also note you didn’t include “won’t have sex with you.” That alone might be the reason they’re willing to put up with it.
Finally, there’s the possibility just classic abuser behavior, where they don’t do all those things ALL the time. They occasionally are somewhat loving.
[quote=“DaphneBlack, post:1, topic:930673, full:true”]
Whyyyy do people stay friends or continue to date these people?
[/quote]Because they’re really good in bed?
Most people are really, really unskilled at the game of life. Whether they demand too much, offer too little, or mostly just do/say the wrong things at the wrong times for ill-considered reasons, they just suck at this.
Two unskilled people playing the game badly together is a tragi-comedy of errors. But at least that leaves one more skilled person of each sex available for the rest of us. It’s the one skilled + one unskilled couple that wastes a valuable resource for the rest of us.
I think of the various reality shows my wife watches on Bravo like Real Housewives of Wherever, Southern Charm, Below Decks, etc and I think “why do I put up with her watching this crap?”
Just kidding.
But for the life of me, I can’t figure out the deal with these shows. With the exception of Below Decks where they are the crew of a yacht, these reality shows aren’t about contestants forced to live and/or work together or compete for prizes for weeks during filming. They appear to be people with separate homes, separate jobs, and whatnot who lives are intertwined. They act as if they are “friends” socially and in many cases are romantically involved, but they are also constantly fighting and bickering on a level that I would find intolerable.
Something clearly seems to tie these people together. I’m just not sure if it’s anything more than the money and contractual obligations from the show.
As it applies to the OP’s question, I imagine it can be similar IRL. Most people’s “friends” and in many cases their dating partners are pulled from the their various social circles. Their workplace, their neighbors, clubs, sports and activities they are involved with, etc. So there can be a certain amount of social politics. A and B both like hanging out at C’s parties, but they can’t stand each other. C doesn’t really like B either, but D wouldn’t show up without B. That sort of stuff. So it can be tough to completely extricate yourself from everyone you need to “put up with”.