Why Do So Many Men Do This? (Relationship-related)

[FRDE]

@storyteller0910

For what it’s worth, in my real life I am a professional writer and have been for the last eight years or so. I don’t really have a particular interest in getting into READER’S DIGEST, or whatever it is that my imputed motivation is here. I just, um, love and admire my wife, and thought a review of how I express that love and admiration would be germane to a thread that I found interesting.

I smelt the mark of a pro

• and you are very good
• you hit the buttons and probably made a few people’s day

Don’t hit them in the balls, don’t hit them in the head, avoid hitting them in the gut

• go for the heart
• and then forget about hitting them, reach out and gently drag their heart towards you.

Good stuff - but too polished.

[mlees]

Well, fwiw, when I read this passage in storyteller0910’s post:

If I like a TV show and she doesn’t, she’ll learn to like it, and vice versa. That’s love.

I, too, thought “Oh please! That’s too over the top! I smell a rat!”

But then again, what the heck do I know? I have no proof that he doesn’t bring that line to life, other than my own experiences, which are, by definition, my own.

(In my case, We would just nod and say “Well, ok. I’m gonna go in the other room and read a book/watch my tv show/surf the 'net, etc.” She’s into the home shopping network, it bores the tears out of me. But I don’t judge her by her taste in TV shows. There are plenty of other stuff that are more important to me to worry/wonder about.)

[gonzomax]

There is some winning involved. Once the relationship has moved on,why do we need to work it? Cant we just get along. ? Analyzing every statement to see if it can be misinterpreted is no fun. Men actually get to a point where we quickly rehearse the potential interpretations before making a statement. Kinda like the terminator searching for answers in his memory banks. After a few surprise reactions,we get to just shutup and say nothing.

[storyteller0910]

@mlees

Well, fwiw, when I read this passage in storyteller0910’s post:

I, too, thought “Oh please! That’s too over the top! I smell a rat!”

But then again, what the heck do I know? I have no proof that he doesn’t bring that line to life, other than my own experiences, which are, by definition, my own.

(In my case, We would just nod and say “Well, ok. I’m gonna go in the other room and read a book/watch my tv show/surf the 'net, etc.” She’s into the home shopping network, it bores the tears out of me. But I don’t judge her by her taste in TV shows. There are plenty of other stuff that are more important to me to worry/wonder about.)

This is very confusing for me. I feel like I unknowingly wrote something really crazy, like “And then, every Saturday, I build a cathedral in her name.” Watching the same TV shows is over the top? Where the heck is the top?

FWIW - in the summer of 2000, I was performing in a show in which my wife (then my fiancee) was not involved, so I was going on Tuesday and Thursday nights to rehearsals while she was home. After the first Thursday that went by like this, she told me that she had watched a silly show about a bunch of people on a desert island, competing to win a million dollars. She kind of liked it. After the second Thursday, she mentioned it again, this time suggesting that I should watch it next time. The third Thursday, she taped it.

I thought SURVIVOR sounded like the stupidest concept I could imagine. I was one of those people who thought “reality TV” would be a quick and unsuccessful fad. But I respected her opinion enough to know that if she sees value in something, there’s probably value in it, at least for me.

I have not missed (save for VCR/DVR failures) an episode of SURVIVOR since. If it were possible to legally marry a TV show in addition to your actual spouse, I might marry SURVIVOR. Watching the show together has become a small but pleasant part of our marriage - discussing it, and sometimes making fun of the people on it using mean nicknames - is one of the things we enjoy.

A similar scenario recently played out in reverse, with the TV show HOUSE.

FRDE - I actually can’t tell if you’re complimenting me, insulting me, or what, so I’m just going to say that however I phrased it, everything in my original message represents the actual facts of my day-to-day life and marriage.

And finally, featherlou, yes, what you said. In an ideal world, each partner in a good relationship loves and respects the other, and finds ways to express that affection that are personal and unique to that couple, not generic, codified, and obvious (and not always dramatic and showy). It’s great to give flowers if the recipient loves flowers, if the giving has some personal meaning beyond “Here. Have a flower.”

[msmith537]

@Least Original User Name Ever

Well, I’m waiting for someone to chime in and say that it’s unrealistic for a guy to constantly woo a gal over. It’s dehumanizing and essentially makes him jump through hoops for love. Then the counterpoint is going to either defend it or point out something the other side of the aisle does.

Just you wait. It’ll get escalated.
I loves me a train wreck sometimes.

**Sunrazor’s ** right. He/she isn’t talking about forcing the guy to woo her over again (since he may decide “shit…if I have to woo her all over again, I might as well woo a brand new girl!”). He/she is talking about keeping the guy interested by providing new “challenges” for him to go after. IOW, mix things up a bit so they don’t get routine.

[Cicero]

@featherlou

I dunno; doesn’t everybody want a relationship that consists of both partners loving and respecting each other, and showing that love and respect in lots of small ways every day and in some big ways occasionally? That’s the message I got from Storyteller’s post. In what type of loving relationship would that not work?

I would feel suffocated. I may be a lot more misanthropic than others.

[Sapo]

as my sister-in-law told my then-girlfriend when she saw me holding the car door for her: “don’t get used to it”.

that said, a little animal training advice: if you are not getting what you want, he shouldn’t be getting what he wants. It really is that simple.

[Least_Original_User_Name_Ever]

@msmith537

**Sunrazor’s ** right. He/she isn’t talking about forcing the guy to woo her over again (since he may decide “shit…if I have to woo her all over again, I might as well woo a brand new girl!”). He/she is talking about keeping the guy interested by providing new “challenges” for him to go after. IOW, mix things up a bit so they don’t get routine.

I was also pretty sure I knew what he was getting at, but I thought it was worded with enough wiggle room for trouble to be caused. I’m glad I was wrong.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@Cicero

I would feel suffocated. I may be a lot more misanthropic than others.

I don’t know if misanthropy has anything to do with it. A loving, respectful relationship would mean that your partner would give you as much affection as you want, not as much as they want. In a good relationship, the people are compatible on stuff like this or find a way to work it out.

[Cicero]

@featherlou

I don’t know if misanthropy has anything to do with it. A loving, respectful relationship would mean that your partner would give you as much affection as you want, not as much as they want. In a good relationship, the people are compatible on stuff like this or find a way to work it out.

Maybe we should put it down to different perspectives then. I work it out that I don’t need my spouse involved in everything I do. We don’t live separate lives, but I need breathing space.