[QUOTE=Jodi]
First of all, the question you are positing now – several dates, several phone calls, maybe even intimacy – is not the same as the question the OP’er posited in the OP, which was “You go on a date, you think things go well, you like the person, you think they like you…then they never call back.” Your first post in this thread was in response to the OP and not to the very different situation you yourself have now theorized. That first response sounded hostile and blaming of the woman, to a degree that was out of proportion to the situation in the OP (woman doesn’t call back after one date). Now, you can consign me to the Man-Haters’ Club if you want, but it was not unreasonable for people reading this thread to assume you were responding to the OP and not to an entirely different and obviously much less defensible situation, like the one you’re theorizing now. Several dates + several calls + intimacy != one date.
Second of all, the most defensible reason to “string someone along” IMO is the hope that things will improve. He’s a nice guy, he’s not unattractive, we have a lot in common, why isn’t he ringing my bell? Maybe if we go out a couple more times a better attraction will develop . . . nope, three dates later, still nothing there. In that circumstance, I agree with you, to just drop someone (stop returning calls) is harsh and a frank “sorry, I’m just not interested in seeing you anymore” would be better. But people of both sexes avoid conflict and avoid unpleasant conversations so IMO someone who calls four or five times and doesn’t get a call back needs to buy a clue. If you want to call that cowardice, that’s fine; that’s compeletely in line with the “I’m better off without her anyway! She doesn’t know what she’s missing!” school of thought, which is IMO probably the least wounding way to get over the fact that someone you like apparently just doesn’t like you.
So I do think it’s a matter of how much of a “relationship” we’re talking about. IMO, one to three dates, that are not hot’ n’ heavy, not multi-hour “we’re really clicking” talk-fests, I don’t think a guy is entitled to an “I’m just not interested in you” conversation. In fact, I think that conversation in those circumstances would be kind of mean: making explicit something that shouldn’t need to be explicit. And believe me, continuing to call to demand an answer or to try to exhibit that you are really really interested is not attractive, it’s stalkerish.
I understand people who get the “Pass, not interested” responsible would like to know why. Certainly if I guy that I like doesn’t like me I wonder why. But that’s true of any “audition” process from dating to job-interviewing to trying out for a play or a team. But the truth is, if the answer is “no” then the answer is “no” and the why of it won’t change that. In this context especially, there’s no help in receiving that feedback, since it’s likely to be something you either cannot change (like how you look) or shouldn’t change (like your personality), and attraction is so subjective that if you did omit something because one person didn’t like it (“You talk to much”), you could easily find the next person didn’t like you because you didn’t do that very same thing (“You don’t talk enough, you just sit there”).
When are you entitled to a reason? When we’re talking about a break-up. That presumes the existence of a relationship. One to three dates is not a relationship. Even for a real break-up, you’re not entitled to anything more than “I’m sorry but I don’t want to see you anymore.” Harsh and completely suck-tastic? Yes. But long agonizing reasons for all your short-comings won’t make it any less so.
Seriously, what if the response is: