Why is a dating preference for Asian women so readily disparaged?

[scratch_llll]

@MandaJo

And aren’t those things all disparaged? Your tone is, in fact, disparaging.

Actually no. The tall man preference is very common and very accepted. There are references to it quite often on TV and in the general culture. Personally I may equate it to the callous and shallow behavior of men who only like petite women but most women certainly do not. To claim so is to be disingenuous.

[actualliberalnotoneofthose]

I figure this applies to having a preference for ANY specific race.

[squeegee]

I figure this applies to a preference for anything at all. Shame on all of you.

[Mijin]

@even_sven

An ethnic “thing” goes beyond the purely physical. There is not a single physical trait that can’t be found among multiple ethnic groups. Like blondes? Europeans are a good bet, but you can find natural blondes across chunks of Asia and well in to Africa. Like dark skin? Africa is a good bet, but you’ve got options from southern India down to Australia. Even if you have some bizarre thing for epicanthic folds, you’ve can find hotties from Finland to Namibia.

Yeah but that’s the thing: when people say they like black guys, say, they usually mean they like the set of features that makes them identify someone as being a black guy.
I don’t think it is common to mean that they don’t care how someone appears and that they date on the basis of recent geneology.

ETA: IMO all attraction is a kind of fetish, and many people go through phases of only being attracted to people with a specific characteristic: hair colour, height, weight, in a band etc. So I really have no problem with someone saying that right now only Asian (looking) women induce the horny for them.

[Koxinga]

@Mijin

Yeah but that’s the thing: when people say they like black guys, say, they usually mean they like the set of features that makes them identify someone as being a black guy.
I don’t think it is common to mean that they don’t care how someone appears and that they date on the basis of recent geneology.

I imagine the subsets of gals who have a stated preference for these kinds of black guys and these kinds of “black” guys have remarkably small overlap, despite the similarity in skin tones.

[even_sven]

Do you really not see the difference between “I like medium skin tones and I live in California, so I tend to date a lot of Latinos,” and “I prefer to date Latin men-- they are so sensuous and such good dancers and they have good family values.”?

[Nava]

@HazelNutCoffee

Honestly I think it’s a bit ironic that some white guys date Asian women with the idea that they are more likely to be “traditional.” Truly traditional Asian women do not date outside their own nationality.

Or, as my grandfather once told a freshly-divorced French visitor who’d asked “why can’t I find a woman that’s like these good Spanish girls?” “because good Spanish girls don’t date divorced men.” This was during the years in which a woman who’d had a foreign boyfriend had much worse problems getting a new boyfriend than one whose ex(es) were all local (officially because she might have Done Things, extraofficially because she’d be likely to have expectations which wouldn’t match what the local guys were offering) - and I’m wondering, is that one of the things that can cause a girl problems in Korea now?

[Blackberry]

@Koxinga

I imagine the subsets of gals who have a stated preference for these kinds of black guys and these kinds of “black” guys have remarkably small overlap, despite the similarity in skin tones.

If someone says they like tall men, no one would ever think they shouldn’t say that unless they mean they like every tall man in the world, or even every handsome tall man.

[simple_homer]

@Nava

Or, as my grandfather once told a freshly-divorced French visitor who’d asked “why can’t I find a woman that’s like these good Spanish girls?” “because good Spanish girls don’t date divorced men.” This was during the years in which a woman who’d had a foreign boyfriend had much worse problems getting a new boyfriend than one whose ex(es) were all local (officially because she might have Done Things, extraofficially because she’d be likely to have expectations which wouldn’t match what the local guys were offering) - and I’m wondering, is that one of the things that can cause a girl problems in Korea now?

I do not know about Korea. But, my experiences in China have given me the impression that many Chinese today still view a Chinese woman that dates a foreigner as either a traitor or a prostitute.
Some Chinese women do date foreigners, but many times it is due to her not living and working in her hometown, so none of her family or friends know.
The other possible situation is if she is a divorced mom that may not have many other options.
My buddies tell me that it is a similar situation in most other Asian countries.

[Mijin]

@even_sven

Do you really not see the difference between “I like medium skin tones and I live in California, so I tend to date a lot of Latinos,” and “I prefer to date Latin men-- they are so sensuous and such good dancers and they have good family values.”?

I see the difference between those two kinds of statement, but I don’t have a problem with either.

If there’s a high correlation between that appearance and those characteristics (for cultural reasons), then I’ve neither a problem with:

a) Focusing much of your attention on that group, because it’s quicker than casting your net more widely
or
b) Eventually having such a strong association in your mind that medium skin tone = good dancer = potential partner, that even white guys who can dance don’t do it for you any more.
Like I said, I see all attraction as a kind of fetish – it’s never rational. It’s primarily instincts and associations.

[JoseB]

My apologies if I am being redundant (having only skimmed this thread). As HazelNutCoffee said, Asian woman != submissive.

I am Spanish, rather lily-white with blue eyes, I lived for several years in Japan, and I have had Japanese and Chinese girlfriends, which in my opinion were reasonably representative of the general population. In my experience, if somebody wants an East Asian girlfriend because of the idea that they are going to be all submissive and “cute”… OOOOH BOY, ARE THEY IN FOR A SURPRISE.

I would describe the girlfriends I had as “iron hand wearing a kid glove”. Their personalities, their willpower were made of tempered steel, and they were very much their own person. And, honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way, to tell the truth.

[VinylTurnip]

@even_sven

Do you really not see the difference between “I like medium skin tones and I live in California, so I tend to date a lot of Latinos,” and “I prefer to date Latin men-- they are so sensuous and such good dancers and they have good family values.”?

The first one barely passes the Turing test, while the second sounds like something a human might actually say.

“I like medium skin tones and symmetric dentition! Beep boop!”

[drachillix]

@JoseB

I would describe the girlfriends I had as “iron hand wearing a kid glove”. Their personalities, their willpower were made of tempered steel, and they were very much their own person. And, honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way, to tell the truth.

I for one will welcome our new asian overlords.

[even_sven]

@Mijin

I see the difference between those two kinds of statement, but I don’t have a problem with either.

If there’s a high correlation between that appearance and those characteristics (for cultural reasons), then I’ve neither a problem with:

a) Focusing much of your attention on that group, because it’s quicker than casting your net more widely
or
b) Eventually having such a strong association in your mind that medium skin tone = good dancer = potential partner, that even white guys who can dance don’t do it for you any more.
Like I said, I see all attraction as a kind of fetish – it’s never rational. It’s primarily instincts and associations.

Sure it’s fine for you. But it sucks for the Latin dude who has been unwittingly cast as your fantasy mambo partner if he’s the type who’d actually rather be LARPing.

Nobody wants to be besieged with suitors who actually aren’t interested in them. At best, it’s a waste of time.

[simple_homer]

Could some of the negativity directed towards white men with Asian women be due to many white women not finding Asian men to be attractive ?
If an equal number of white men and women found Asians to be attractive would there not be a problem ?

I know many white guys that find Latinas to be attractive, but I rarely hear any negative comments about that. Could it be because white women find Latinos to be attractive and therefore it is more “normal” and acceptable ?

[Sam_Lowry]

@squeegee

I find this conversation bewildering. I find some Asian women attractive because some Asian women are really attractive. Also some redheads. So what? I have no dog in this fight because I don’t date anyone at all except my wife of 24 years. But I don’t get how it’s controversial to find people who look one way vs another way attractive. Everybody has a set of “looks” they’re attracted to, what’s wrong “Asian” being on that list, where “busty blonde” is somehow less objectionable?

I have no problem with preferences, as long as you see the people you want to date as individual people, not just living embodiments of a stereotype. (I’m saying this as a general “you”, not accusing you squeegee of anything.) So this would be okay:
[ul]
[li]Seeing a woman who fits your preferences[/li][li]Finding her attractive[/li][li]Talking with her to see if you find her personality and interests attractive as well (whether at your first encounter or during your first date)[/li][li]Continuing to date if you find her personality attractive and your interests are compatible[/li][li]OR: not dating her anymore if you don’t find her personality attractive and your interests and goals are not compatible. [/li][/ul]

And this would not be okay:
[ul]
[li]Seeing a woman who fits your preferences[/li][li]Finding her attractive[/li][li]Not wanting to find out more about her[/li][li]OR: finding out about her personality and interests and just ignoring the parts that don’t fit your ideal[/li][li]Attempting to change her into ways that fit your ideal[/li][/ul]

Everyone is allowed to have physical preferences, even if they are picky. But you still need to treat potential dates with respect, and like individual people, not like cars in a showroom.

I’m not sure if I’m explaining myself well, and as a white woman I’ve never had to deal with this myself, but it’s how I understand it.

[Mijin]

@even_sven

Sure it’s fine for you. But it sucks for the Latin dude who has been unwittingly cast as your fantasy mambo partner if he’s the type who’d actually rather be LARPing.

Nobody wants to be besieged with suitors who actually aren’t interested in them. At best, it’s a waste of time.

It’s funny you say that actually, as I’m a “mixed race” guy who looks latino. So I often have to disappoint girls that I don’t speak Spanish* and all the other things they associate.

And I’m really not bothered by it at all. Of all the things to be annoyed by in the whole dating thing, this would come pretty far down the list. So I still don’t grok the hate.

• In the UK, speaking spanish gets you a lot more kudos than I think in the US, as it’s rarer. Also “backpacking through South America” is one of the stock fantasies for women here (much more than men IME) – I don’t know if this is different from the US.

[Siam_Sam]

I think a lot of the problem is with the stereotype of the older white male with the younger Asian female. It’s like the guy is robbing the cradle if not marrying the first bargirl to enchant him. In my marriage, we’re both in our 50s now, I’m only two years older than my Thai wife – to be exact, I am 2 years, 1 month, 1 week and 4 days older than my Thai wife – and have never felt looked down upon when in the US. Of course, we did our courting in Hawaii, which is so multicultural that no one notices these matters. But even when traveling on the mainland – visiting family in Texas and Arkansas say – no one seemed to bat an eyelid, except for rural Arkansas, where people seemed to be craning their necks to get a look at the “exotic Asian.”

That stereotype with the older guy/younger lady is true sometimes. But I’ve personally known many of these relationships that worked out, although many don’t. My best friend in Thailand, a fellow white American, ended up marrying his Thai secretary. There’s about a 15-year age difference. They’ve been married almost 20 years, have two wonderful daughters, one of whom is just now ending a year of high school in Minnesota, and their marriage and relationship is rock solid. The wife is in her 40s now, so they’re both middle-aged and the difference is not very stark anymore.

[squeegee]

@Siam_Sam

I think a lot of the problem is with the stereotype of the older white male with the younger Asian female.

Huh, I didn’t catch that there was a May/December thing assumption from the thread content. Though maybe I wouldn’t, since I’m at least in October. Is there really that subtext? (I’m asking the thread, not you, Siam Sam)

[Hippy_Hollow]

Part of me is meh. People get together for all kinds of reasons, some more jacked up than others. I can’t think of any group or nationality I’ve been around or observed and not noticed very attractive people in that group.

I do find it a little weird when people are like this guy I knew from high school who started a zine called Asian Girls Are Rad. I’m sure some are, as are girls from every ethnicity.

I get the type thing. But if I was dating that would be about 10% of it. Are you funny? Interesting to talk to? Do you find me interesting? Are you polite ? All of these things would ratchet up my interest (or diminish it) in a few minutes.

I’ve known guys who date exclusively one race, and to a person I’ve found them somewhat creepy. For the ones who’ve actually told me why they date Asian or White women, invariably they share some fucked up stereotype about that group, or some internalized issue about women from their ethnic group. For instance, I knew a Black guy who dated White women who had some pretty deep seated issues about Black women. Yes, there is a subset of Black women that might in part behave that way, but I’ve known every personality type among Black women. I suspect the same us true among other ethnicities.