Happy birthday. You’re young. Give yourself some time. There are tons of women who are in the same boat as you. They’re socially awkward and looking for someone to love them. Find these women. You will find someone who wants the same things you want out of life.
Hey Now Red Barchetta— While I am new here, and probably am the last person who is qualified to give romantic advice, I have read your posts for a couple of years and just wanted to say “hang in there”…
I am sure that with time, you (and hopefully ALL of us still looking) will find that special someone, and when we do these lonely times will seem a million miles behind us. I will keep my fingers crossed for you!
Hope you have a great birthday, Matthew
From what I’ve gathered over some threads in the past, if someone asked me to describe Red Barchetta right now I’d say: cute (I’ve seen pics of you on your bike, leading me to…), has a motorcycle (might not do it for other girls, but it does for me), apparently makes $61K a year (so you can buy me dinner), has a good job (which you should NOT quit at this time unless you have something secure and definite in hand) and is generally a nice guy.
I gotta say that if I had to lay money on it I would be it is self confidence that is tripping you up. Sometimes, we girls can smell fear and it is unattractive. But really, that’s got to be something that is making this so hard for you because honestly if I were in your area I would go out with you. You know, if I weren’t ten years older than you and have a boyfriend and two kids. 
She has already said she is not interested in dating you, so perhaps you should pursue what you do have together, non-sexual intimate relationship, if you find value in that.
It may be possible that the comfort you can give to each other may be healing to her (and/or you), and you may be providing a father figure in her life (or even child figure), she may be providing a mother figure to you. Someone of the opposite sex where you can feel totally comfortable with in a non-threatening way. This would indicate some form of damage in childhood (or earlier)
If this is the dynamics sex will destroy that healing and the relationship will fail. Again if you are interested and that type of relationship is OK w/ both of you I’d talk with her on that basis. If past damage can be healed future relationships should be easier.
I forgot to add:
Happy Birthday!!
You have to start small.
At 24, I was in much the same boat you were in- I’d kissed a girl before that, and had a couple of quasi-girlfriends (as in, went on 2-3 dates, but they broke it off because I didn’t know what I was doing). I certainly hadn’t had sex yet.
What I did was make a point of trying to figure out what it was that I was lacking. I was wrong, but my solution ended up being right anyway. I thought that I didn’t know what I was doing on dates, and that it was the problem. The real problem was a lack of confidence, and the desperation that goes along with it.
My solution was to basically hit on every non-attached girl I met, and who wasn’t already a friend, as well as to go on Match.com, and basically ask out any girl who so much winked at me or who I thought was vaguely interesting. I figured that if I went on a bunch of dates that I didn’t care about, I could try different techniques and see what worked.
What ended up happening was two-fold. I did learn some things about being on dates that were useful, but more than that, I lost any fear I had of going on dates, and of meeting new girls- I was confident about it, and it was attractive.
Beyond that, one of the insights that I’ve learned is that most (not all) women have lower self-esteem than I’d think. If you’re desperate for them, then they tend to think you suck because you’re desperate for them, and they don’t see that as attractive, but as loathsome.
I know what you mean about feeling bad on birthdays. Ever year since I turned 19 (I’m 24), I’ve been appalled at how old I am. I too am a virgin (female, though) and am isolated (chronic illness), though unlike you, I have no education or work experience or (obviously) income, and feel awful by how far behind i am.
I should say, though, that I used to feel that way. This might be a temporary buzz, but I’m taking two courses online from my community college, and I feel so much better about myself and my age. I’m going to be 25 in a couple of months, and that’s actually pretty much okay with me today. I am so surprised by how much better I feel about myself, especially since I’m completely unproven (haven’t taken any tests yet).
I think this is because I didn’t have to actually accomplish all of that - schooling, job, career, independence, which seem overwhelming - I just have to actively work towards it. Think about what makes you hate yourself, and find ways you can work on correcting it. Dating? Maybe create an online dating site profile and start getting to know girls online. Boring job? Start going into business for yourself as a hobby or weekend thing, or even just start socking money away or researching or planning how to go into business by yourself. I think you’ll be surprised how much better you feel about relatively small, easy steps towards your goals.
And for what it’s worth, being awkward and a virgin doesn’t make me think any less of you in a dating context. Erm, I hope this isn’t too creepy, but I’d go out with you. Seriously. And I already know what you consider to be the worst about you. I really really doubt I’m the only chick out there who would feel that way.
Three female roommates? Let them give you a birthday present (no, not that). Or at least the one you made out with. Tell her you know things are never going to go anywhere between you two, but could she maybe give you some pointers? Maybe with some show-and-tell?
Does your lack of dates (not that that’s exactly rare for 20-somethings) ever come up when you all are drinking together? Get them liquored up and talking about what they like and don’t like in guys. Let them school you, even if you take it all with a hefty does of salt.
This will only work if you can be a cool dude, though. Maybe you could bring up the topic by mentioning one of the tactics from the show The Pick-Up Artist or the book The Game. ‘So I was reading this ridiculous article about pick-up lines. Would this actually work on you? Blah blah…’
With due respect, I don’t think any self-respecting gentleman should mention that garbage to a woman.
Look, this isn’t about pickup lines. The best pickup lines are lines like “Let’s go out sometime” and “So, wanna go back to my place?” and “Kiss me.” Pickup lines are the alchemy of dating science; much as been written about it and it’s all a sad joke.
What the OP needs to work on is getting over self-pity and the endless parade of ironic pop-culture-referencing jokes and getting down to some basics:
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Making himself attractive to women, which may involve some work (we don’t know)
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Maximizing his exposure to eligible women, and
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Learning how to ask them out and conduct himself accordingly.
There’s no secret here and it’s not easy to do - took me a few years to get the hang of it. But it’s doable.
Word.
Seriously… if you’re confident, the rest will fall into place soon enough.
What he needs to do is figure out what would reinforce/build his confidence, and do that. If he thinks he’s fat or scrawny, then he needs to work out. If he thinks he’s a dork, then he should lose the geeky t-shirts and learn not to talk about anime to women. If it’s not knowing how to date, then he should date a bunch of chicks he’s not particularly interested in, so he can learn how to date without any investment in it.
Oh, dear. Yes, the early-to-mid-twenties are nearly as hard as the puberty years. For some I imagine they might be worse. You’ll get through it.
And I agree with the others who say that it sounds like confidence is your problem. Sounds like you’ve got other areas of your life under control…good job, etc., so there’s no reason for you to be so down on yourself.
It sounds to me like you’ve been focusing a lot on wanting to get a girlfriend, losing your virginity, etc., which is probably your main mistake. Not to be harsh, but the girls you meet can probably sense this, and it’s probably coming across as desperation. Not attractive.
Try to forget about all of that. Like others said, just go out and do what you enjoy, and try to meet people and make friends. Of either gender. Build up your own life, and try to stop caring so much if you have a girlfriend or not. When you stop looking, that’s when you’ll find her, because you’ll be a fun, confident guy who doesn’t need a girl to make him complete. That’s what girls find attractive…it’s really not so much about the looks or the money or the car. No, really.
And no, being a virgin is not a big deal. It’ll happen when it happens. Until then, just chill.
It requires knowledge too, though. Confidence is important, but self-awareness is also important.
We don’t really know Red’s details, but I’ve known a lot of guys who moaned and bitched about not being able to get dates while being blissfully unaware, or at least being defensive of, the most glaring sorts of turnoff traits:
- Poorly dressed (which could be broken down into 20 categories right there)
- Slovenly appearance
- Smell bad
- Smoking
- Whiny
- Don’t actually tell women they’re interested
- Unwilling to work on physique
- Stupid haircut
So on and so forth. Either that or they just refuse to do anything outside of their comfort zone to meet new women.
You’re not going to have a lot of success fishing if you’re using a baseball bat as your rod, AA batteries as bait, and keep slapping the water with an oar yelling “Why don’t fish like me??” A guy needs to learn how to make himself attractive, presentable, and to clearly indicate his intentions to a lady (e.g. not hang around for six months whining and playing the passive-aggressive friend game) without being a lecherous jerk (e.g. “The Pick Up Artist” approach.)
The OP may wish to employ a female friend who will be genuinely honest to help him in some of these matters.
Well, whatever else may be happening later than you think it should, your mid-20’s “omg, I’m so old and my life is totally not going according to plan” existential crisis is right on schedule. That’s a good thing; it allows you to get the damn thing over with and get on with your life.
Seriously, it’s totally normal–practically mandatory, really-- to feel like this at some point around your age or a few years older. You’ve been out of school a couple of years, and whatever things in your life aren’t progressing the way you’d expected just kind of pile up on you and take on this unprecedented (and frankly, overinflated) importance. It’s a scary feeling, that time is slipping through your fingers, and if you’re this far off course this soon, Og only knows what kind of uncharted waters you’ll wind up in 5 or 10 more years down the road. Absolutely fucking petrifying, man.
It’s okay to be scared of stuff that seems like a big deal, and realizing that you’re really truly a grownup and this is your life is a big deal. What’s not okay is to let that fear keep you from doing stuff you want to do. You gotta embrace the fear, and then take a deep breath and jump in with both feet anyway. You know that “alive” feeling you felt with this roommate? That’s how you get more of that feeling, by taking the plunge into life and all its turns, both glorious and tragic.
I’ll tell you honestly, the life I have in no way resembles the life I’d always pictured for myself at my age. I was gonna be married (okay, so that part actually happened) and have kids and a big rambling farmhouse fairly close to my family and be a vet and have a pony and…well, you get the picture. I’m so, so far off that course that I’ve wandered completely off the margins of the map. And that’s okay, because even though it’s not at all what I had pictured, in a lot of ways it’s way better. Sometimes you just have to throw away the map and just enjoy where the road takes you.
CrazyCatLady’s right. You were due for a quarter-life crisis. Now just don’t let any older friends hear you complaining about your age.
Oh, and are you musically gifted at all? Because if you just want to get the sex thing over with, being in a band is the way to go. If you want to practice talking to pretty women who aren’t your roomies, borrow a puppy for the day (or better yet, volunteer at a local animal shelter).
I hope your birthday was better than you expected! Yesterday was the last day of the first of your life.
May I suggest that you focus on yourself for a while and not on romantic love? Maybe you need to spend some time alone and in touch with nature and fresh air. Twenty-five years ago everyone was into backpacking and overnight hiking. My husband used to come back from these trips so much more at peace with himself. Even day hikes can make a difference.
May I also suggest a book that ties in with being in nature settings? It’s one of my favorite books and I turned to it when I nerves were shot to hell and I was on a crying jag just as you are. It helped to calm me and give me some focus. I felt like I became more “myself” during the months afterward. It’s really an interesting book too! It’s The Tracker by Tom Brown.
If it helps, I felt much younger at thirty than I did at twenty-four. And my forties and fifties were the happiest period of my life. You are just now awakening. Don’t be so hard on yourself! I think there are many young men in your situation. They make wonderfully sensitive grandfathers in years to come.
You are making a very good salary for someone so young. Since you don’t like the job, you won’t want to stay in it forever. But while you are earning a tidy sum, you might want to consider travelling. It really broadens a person and helps you to perceive the world and yourself in it in a different way.
Finally, try to appreciate each day as it is. Find what is good about it. Notice the beautiful moments. Be aware of all of your senses. Pay attention. Inquire within.
I would, however, recommend getting very, very drunk. 
But seriously, I feel for you bro. Went through that shit during college with a suave roommate. They’d all hang around, humor me, sit in my lap…then all retreat to his bedroom when the movie ended and lock the door behind them. 
BOTTOM LINE: What do you want? Someone to respect you for who you are, or to respect you for some “fake self?” Even if you COULD learn to be somebody different and get all the girls you wanted, you’d have to be that different somebody 100% of the time to keep people’s interest. Is THAT what you want the rest of your life? To have to fake it from here on out?
The only person that should matter to you is you. You DO NOT need other people to validate yourself. The fact that you’re not getting laid, and not in a relationship IS NOT a referendum on yourself, as hard as this is to believe at the moment.
Your missing a lot of bullshit too. The dred on coworkers’ faces when their BF/GF calls them on break still cracks me up. 
What if it’s the kind of awkward that isn’t being entertainingly quirky on cue now and again, but rather continually forgetting to make eye contact, flubbing responses to simple questions (like ‘Hey, how’s it goin’?’), and dropping whole conversations into silence from mid-sentence because you’re just too fucked up from trying to figure out which words are the correct ones and what order they go in and how the hell do you pronounce them well enough for the other party to even recognize them as English, much less a logical and understandable thought? If the person you’re with has taken the time to make small talk and you can’t make yourself even close to intelligible without four or five re-dos, that does too put the motherfucking pressure on you.
And what if you just plain set off people’s Creepdar so they’d be looking for excuses to politely avoid you even if you were in a really calm, clear mood and you took a breath before starting to speak and everything?
Also, need answer fast (preferably before I wake up the next morning and hafta make eye-contact and have conversations with human beings, many of whom I would really like to have like me). I guess this shit really shouldnt’ve been in the second person.
Perhapst this xckd -comic on the subject of “let’s be friends” is applicable.
This might work for you but not every guy.
When I broke up with my wife I couldn’t get that woman out of my head. I had been out of the game for so long I couldn’t interact with other women either.
So what did my dumbass do? I went to a boobie bar. I wound up talking to a girl all night, bought a few table dances, she lied through her teeth and basically told me I’m the most awesome guy on the planet and I loved every minute of it.
As superficial as all the crap sounds; the bottom line is, I got my ex out of my freaking head. Finally, after several weeks, my thoughts were my own again. It was just the little push I needed.
Also, I’m just gonna throw this story out there; take what you will from it.
A group of friends of mine took this guy 20something guy to a boobie bar. Our friend, like the OP, was a virgin and had NEVER stepped foot in to such a place.
We got him drunk as a skunk and made it known to every dancer in the place that our friend was a virgin. I don’t know why but the girls seem to really be digging on that fact. So much so that he actually got laid that night.
Was anyone else expecting this to be a thread by Autolycus?