I very much agree. I would recommend trying out this company, which does affordable international tours for young people (ages 18-35). I did one last year and it was the time of my life. A lot of the people on the tour came alone - in fact, one of the guys on my tour who came by himself (and who has since become a good friend of mine) loved it so much, he went on two more in the following nine months. And slightly related, I met my current girlfriend on said trip, we’ve been together for almost 11 months now.
No, but I’m sure Red Barchetta sees other people enjoying an aspect of life that is probably a bit foreign to him and feels like he is missing out. And quite frankly 24 is a bit on the old side to never have had sex, so he’s probably sweating that to a certain extent. It’s kind of like when you aren’t getting any, it seems like the rest of the world is.
I always wonder how people end up not ever getting into a relationship until so late in life. Not that I was waste deep in ass or anything, but do people look around and say to themselves “that guy seems to be getting some, what does he have / not have that I don’t have / have?”
Kind of a related hijack, a buddy of mine and I are sort of regulars at a particular strip club in Manhattan. One thing I’ve noticed is that women treat you very differently if you take money out of the equation. Go on an off night. Don’t pay for anything. No lapdances. No drinks. No tips. Above all, no champaign room. When they come over to chit-chat, just politely be like “I just want to let you know I’m really just here to relax and not interested in any dances or whatnot. If you want to hang out and bullshit with me that’s cool, but I know you guys are working so I don’t want to keep you from your customers.”
Most will be like “ok” and go about their rounds. But every now and then a few will get bored and come by and talk to you like a normal person. Just be careful though that they aren’t trying to suck you in and then give you the ole “I was talking to you for 4 hours and I deserve some $$$” Just every few minutes be like “do you need to see to that guy over there?”. And don’t fall for the “oh my friend really wants to give you a dance.”
You know it’s working when they come by, talk to you for a few minutes without hanging all over you and then excuse themselves to talk to a paying customer.
NY strip clubs are more “gentlemen’s clubs”. IOW, part of the girl’s job is to come around and entertain the customers in the hopes of giving $20 lapdances or having you spend big money for no sex in the Champaign room. Sort of like a brothel with no sex. Other places, there’s less direct interaction, other than dudes tossing bills onstage.
Anyhow, as it relates to the OP, it couldn’t hurt to go to a strip club or hit the bars and nightclubs more often. Chances are you aren’t going to have sex with the strippers and it might be good for you to get more comfortible with interacting with women in a more sexualized setting. Not like I’m trying to turn you into some sort of player or anything, but I figure it couldn’t hurt.
Assuming he didn’t have to pay for it, it’s a total confidence boost because now every time he meets a girl, it’s like “well…I usually have sex with strippers but…”
Take a deep breath. Happy Birthday.
It’ll be OK.
Whatever happened with that motorcycle girl from the gas station?
Dude, you’re doing ok. I was 23 when I first had sex, and since then it’s been pretty constant. It’s sort of like the “you have to have money to make money” conundrum.
You’ve obviously got a Three’s Company (you do know the show right?) situation going on with some fun female roommates, who probably aren’t really into you. Jack Tripper didn’t get anywhere either. That’s frustrating I’m sure, but just be cool. Some girls like to get wild, test their limits, let off some steam. You still might get some action out of it, but if it happens, it happens. Don’t get emotionally invested in it. You can dream about women all you want, but don’t dream about what you want to happen with women, because that’s only half up to you. The other half is up to them, and you’ve got to be realistic and listen to both what they say and their body language.
Use this as practice. You can practice what it’s like hanging out with girls, and being seen with them, especially if they’re hot, will most likely pay off. Sometimes it takes women to get women.
I don’t know about the crying, I can’t help you with that. Just don’t try too hard, don’t take things too seriously, don’t think your next girlfried will be the one you spend your life with. Probably not. Being in a realationship can be really nice, but it’s also constricting and sometimes as soon as you get comfortably into a relationship you wish you were out.
There’s nothing wrong with you, Red. Be cool. Some people just don’t get into the game until later. It happened with me that way.
Relax and have a beer.
I wonder too. I always thought it just sort of happened to everybody as they grew up and went to college, got a job, etc… But it doesn’t. Going out and living your life, pursuing your hobbies, and generally trying to have a good time are not enough. There is apparently some minimum standard of social understanding that some people simply don’t meet.
We do look around at other people and ask ourselves what we’re missing, but no answer is forthcoming. That’s why the advice to just go on and enjoy your life, or be more confident, isn’t very helpful. I think at some level it does require focus and effort to find a relationship. Relying on blind, random luck isn’t enough. Luck is part of it, I’m sure, but a relationship with the right person probably won’t just fall into your lap, unless you are very lucky indeed. And confidence comes from success. Being in your mid-20’s with no dates seems like fairly objective evidence that, socially at least, you really are a failure. I don’t see how anyone in the same situation could not feel that way.
Not that any of that should be taken as a sign to abandon all hope, or an excuse to wallow in self-pity. There’s plenty of time for things to fall into place (at least this is what I keep telling myself :)). It does happen for some people. But some people never figure it out either, and I don’t know what the difference is.
Never cry over any woman who you didn’t accidentally kill. Seriously. All women are nasty mean selfish bitches, until you meet the one that isn’t. Some people get away with only meeting one or two before that happens, but those people are the exception. Most of us have had to stick our dicks in the crazy a few hundred times before we catch on. See Red, you’re just a bit smarter than the average bear. Your woman will come my man and she’ll make you really glad that you never stuck with the rest of them. True story.
What about if I meant to kill her?
Oh, hypothetically.
Whenever I hit one of those awkward silences, I smile and laugh and say “Oh god this is so awkward! Sorry, I’m such an awkward person!” and flash another smile. Or when I run into the guy I drunkly made out with last night, my first line will be “Oh hey this is gonna be awkward.” I do manage to play it off as “cute”, which I guess doesn’t work for everyone.
But I really am an awkward person, and it used to worry me. Until I realized that I couldn’t fight it and so I might as well embrace it.
So out of curiosity, when IS the right time to have finally gotten laid? I mean I’m sure Red has probably done his best, it’s not like this was a choice he’s made.
Then once you get a taste you start thinking, “Oh shit, I’ve waited this long, now or never” and end up screwing it up.
Yes they do. And when you honestly can’t figure out what that thing is when it starts becoming a problem for you. Then you start getting desperate, thinking there MUST be something wrong with you, something that sets you apart and makes you undesirable. Then you work yourself into a depressive stupor and post about it on the Straight Dope. 
Ok, kid, tell me exactly how fucking depressing it is to be turning twenty-fucking-eight. I’m all ears. You kids in your 20s are really turning into some dip-shit whiners. What the hell do you want from people, pity because you’re turning 28? Is this a fucking joke? I’ve known people whose lives were over by your age. Now THAT’s depressing! I’m more than twice your age, and it would never occur to me to be depressed about it. Like they say, it beats the alternative.
Nice threadshit. :rolleyes:
I was attempting to commiserate with the OP over his depression at being unsuccessful with women at the age of 24. I am similarly dateless and socially awkward and thought it might help to know that he is not alone. Perhaps I was mistaken. I don’t claim that there aren’t worse problems to have.
But I apologize if being forced to confront the fact that one is apparently a failure at one of life’s most basic aspects is not sufficiently depressing.
“Losers always whine about doing their best…winners go home and fuck the prom queen.”
-John Mason (Sean Connery), The Rock
I would say ideally sometime in high school, just because it’s less awkward to head off to college as not a virgin. College really is also an ideal time as it is pretty much the only time in your life where you will be surrounded by hundreds of single 18-22 year old girls who are away from home for the first time and looking to party.
I mean most of your life when you are single is motivated by trying to get laid. Going to the gym, how you dress, how you cut your hair, going out drinking and partying.
When I was in college (like 15 years ago) I saw all sorts of behaviors that would lead to not getting laid:
-Spending saturday night playing videogames in the dorm
-Going home every weekend
-Fixating on one unobtainable girl
-Acting like a chump (like some of my douchebag fraternity brothers shoveling out some girls car who illegally parked in our lot to go visit her boyfriend next door).
-Letting yourself go to shit
-Not talking to girls at all
Unless girls are throwing themselves at you (and you act on it), it takes some degree of balls to get laid. You have to approach a total stranger and strike up a conversation. You have to take a risk on inviting them back to your room and make a move. There is an element of emotion risk involved. You WILL get rejected at some point. That’s life. I have buddies who are tall and good looking and they still get rejected by girls. It’s not a big deal.
The problem is once you graduate college and join the real working world, you are in more difficult environment. You don’t automatically have your college pool of peers around you all the time. It takes much greater effort to go out and date so if you weren’t proactive about it to begin with, you might totally isolate yourself.
That’s called pussy WHIPPED.
Yeah, what idiots. I wouldn’t even help an old lady cross the street without getting at least a handjob in return.
Guys like that do get laid, and they help other guys get laid– they do something nice for women and women leave happy, thinking ‘Hey, some guys aren’t so bad. I’m in a good mood, maybe I’ll talk to that cute guy from my class today and see where it goes.’
Hey guys, sorry it took so long to respond. I just wanted to thank everyone who posted, PM’d me, and offered advice during this tough time for me (oh, and the birthday wishes!). I’m also surprised by how many of you actually remember me (not sure if that’s a good or bad thing yet… 
I did want to return the favor and respond to some of the points, questions, and suggestions you guys offered.
I understand your point, but when I first moved out of my parents house to my current location, two states away, I lived by myself for the first 6 months. Not only was it exponentially more expensive, but I was also even lonelier than I am now. At least I have some people I can talk to here, even if one of them was involved in my recent breakdown, I’m pretty sure I would have succumbed to it eventually with or without her help.
Truth be told, I don’t drink very often, particularly when I’m by myself. I’m really only a social drinker. Plus its effects aren’t all that bad…I mean, it was at least partially, if not mostly, responsible for getting me the little action I have already…
Well, I’m not quite the 4% body fat I was in High School, but I’m pretty certain I’m not overweight–180lbs, 6’1." Don’t get me wrong, I have a little bit of pudge, but it’s nothing a few weeks at the gym wouldn’t burn off–in other words, I’m confident it’s not a weight issue. Your 2nd idea hits it on the head: It is, without question, a complete lack of game. For one, I have no confidence, at all. And I seem incapable of “faking” it–I can’t just trick myself into thinking that way. As I said before, my experience with women is fairly limited, especially in social settings. In short, I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. It also doesn’t help that I feel like I run out of things to talk about quickly, and simply don’t know how to maintain some conversations…it’s hard to describe, really, but it’s hella awkward for me. And god only knows how bad I may be with body language (i have no clue).
But that is why I’m miserable–perhaps not just the girlfriend issue (which is a significant part of it), but my overall lack of a social life. As someone else later touched on, it kills me to see so many people around me having fun, talking to others, and dating people when I know ALL OF IT is outside my grasp, as evidenced by my 21 years of failure (yeah, I know…like I’d be dating before I was 14, but my point still stands–that’s a solid 10 years of social ineptitude. )
This is a good point, and the fact that I’m making such money is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing, because I’ve saved 23k so far, for which I’m free to spend on anything, which may come in handy in me hoping coping with my major issues. But it’s also a curse because it eats up my entire week (granted, as most full-time jobs tend to do) and I’m afraid if I do quit, I may not ever be able to make this much again. But then again, if the money I’m making now isn’t making me happy, does it really matter?
Awww, you’re too much (thanks again for the birthday PM, too!). And yeah, I’m sure it’s confidence issues, which I’m not quite how to fix…
Nah, not creepy at all–it’s awfully nice of you 
Now if you want creepy, that would be the McDonald’s drive-through employee who asked me out years ago, and got a little too personal on subsequent visits…though sometimes I wonder how different my life would be now had I actually acted on that (not that I was interested, but has I known then what I know now, the experience may have been worth it…sigh)
First off: “Endless parade”? Really?! 
I think I referenced two pop-culture items–I was just trying to lighten the mood a tad.
Secondly, and more importantly, if you don’t mind me asking, what worked for you?
Dude, thanks for the link! As I may have stated, and if not, heavily implied, I’ve lived a pretty sheltered life. The only other country I’ve visited is Canada, and that barley counts (it’s cool, I’m half-canadian–they know me there). I would love to visit other countries, and I’ve got money to blow. I see no reason not to sign up for one of these trips ASAP. Thanks, this may be just what I need (well, part of it, we’ll see how it goes!)
You nailed it–that is exactly how I feel. I get depressed almost everywhere I look, seeing what others have, and what I’m seemingly incapable of having.
Damn good memory, my friend. Sadly, nothing happened there. I honestly don’t remember the details, but it amounted to me calling her and nothing happening from there. Ugh–it’s shit like that discourages me from even trying anymore.
This may be part of the problem. I dropped out of high school during 10th grade, didn’t do much of anything for a few years, and finally went to a community college part time for 2 years, before moving down to Cali for a job. So I didn’t have much, if any, of the whole “college life” thing, sadly.
PHEW I think that about covers it all–jesus, this response is even more epic in length than my OP. Sorry to waste anymore of your guy’s time, but I wanted to follow-up with you all since you took the time to help me.
You know what, Dude?
I think you’re gonna be just fine!
You have the best support group in the whole WORLD right here on the Dope.
We are the Epi-Tome of advice givers, care givers, and hug-givers.
Sometimes I think that if we took our membership and turned us loose on our troubled world, it would be a much better place.
You take care and PM me if you need/want to.
I listen REAL good!
Quasi