Off-topic: fluiddruid, I don’t know why I thought you were a lady instead of a dude. Sorry about that.
That’s exactly it.
Dio, get it out of your head that she’s demanding for him to apologize for not following her strict demands. fluiddruid already cleared up that misconception. Did you miss those posts?
I know what the bride said. I just think it sounds disingenuous. Even her stated reason for demanding an apology is still bullshit. Who talks to a bride about plans for a buddy’s bachelor party?
Yes, they do – to an extent. What they asked for was certainly over the top, can’t disagree with you there. And it’s out of line for them to ask fluiddruid to drive to meet them. If they want this party to happen, then they’re going to have to accomodate the party organizer. But I see nothing to indicate that they want to browbeat the OP into apologizing. That’s your own interpretation, and it’s already been countered in several posts.
So, do they have a right to dictate the terms of their party? Yes, to the extent that the four parties involved should be able to sit down and agree on a budget, location, food and beverage, and entertainment. I don’t see that as unreasonable at all.
If it were my own wedding, and I asked you to organize my bachelor party (which I wouldn’t, but that’s just me), then I’d want to have some input on it. I wouldn’t demand that you sell a kidney to pay for it, but I’d want some input on whether or not there’s a stripper, for instance. I’d want to know if there was going to be vegan or kosher food, if those were concerns for me. I’d want to know if there was going to be illegal drug use, especially if the party is in my home or I’m on probation or whatever. I’d want to know if there’s someone on the guest list that I really don’t want to be there.
It’s her bachelorette party as well. That was right in the OP.
No, the only people that have a right to dictate terms are those who are coughing up dough. The couple is not automatically entitled to so much as a glass of water, as a matter of course. A Bachelor/bachelorette party is a gift from friends. Dictating the terms of the party is like instructing them on what to buy for wedding gifts (something that, unfortunately, many couples do seem to think they have the right to do these days).
That still doesn’t mean she needs to be included in all conversations. She sent the groom out by himself to make all those ludicrous demands. I think her claimed offense at being excluded from the come-to Jesus meeting is just passive-aggressive, manipulative bullshit. She’s trying to make herself the victim as a tactic to distract attention away from their own tacky behavior.
Really? That’s what you got from the OP?
Let’s revisit one post:
Now, it could be that the bride is being a manipulative bitch. But consider that she didn’t demand an apology, as so many people are assuming. The request came from the groom. At least entertain the possibility that it was his idea all along. Perhaps that he saw that she was upset, and took the initiative to make her feel better by trying elicit an apology.
It’s possible, correct?
Add to this the fact that the bride herself was already scaling back the plans even before the OP spoke up. That doesn’t quite fit the profile of a bridezilla.
Consider as well that she and the OP had few or no words about the party at all. How many brides would not only be OK with their fiances having a stripper, but want to watch it? And how many would want a male stripper at that same party? Maybe you travel in different social circles than I do, but most women I know wouldn’t go for that sort of thing.
Try to imagine a scenario where the bride is completely blameless and the groom is completely clueless. Doesn’t that fit the facts at least as well as your interpretation?
I agree with you on this. When fluiddruid said that the couple wanted to meet and “talk it out,” I assumed he meant talk over the original kerfuffle. Which seems unnecessarily drama queen-y. If they want to meet with the party hosts and discuss what they definitely don’t want and what they would definitely like to have at the party, then that’s another story.
So it appears that we are pretty much all worked out on this.
The groom seems to have asked for an apology more-or-less to stop things in their tracks. I didn’t respond, at least not right away, so he called around last night. He called our mutual friend (who called me and reported that we have a “gigantic problem”), and then me. I pretty much was frankly honest with him that, from my perspective, what had happened was that a huge responsibility was lain on my shoulders without asking, I tried to sensitively address it and now am being blamed for offending the bride. He tried to explain her perspective a bit, but ended up just being mostly quiet. Finally he had to go, because the bride was calling him.
In the end, he sent out an long email apologizing to everyone involved for the giant clusterfuck. The bride sent an apology to my mutual friend and I, and explained her perspective. Communications on their end was more or less that being excluded made her feel a lack of trust for her and a lack of concern for her from us. My mutual friend and I both sent out emails saying that was not the case, and that our feathers were ruffled, and we had intended to leave her out only because we expected it to be a confrontation and we had no idea her involvement in everything.
Long story made slightly shorter, we’ve all agreed to move on, the party status wasn’t discussed much but the bride/groom are saying that they don’t have a strong preference if it’s held or not. The bride invited us to meet up with them sometime soon for a social get-together to patch things over.
Thanks, everyone, for your ears and your perspectives.
This man is a genius and I wish to bear his children.
Good deal!
It really sounds to me like the bride is a good person, just a bit emotional.
I’m glad that it’s worked out and that the friends apologized, as they should have. When someone is rude, as they were they need to apologize.
I also think fluiddruid handled things really well on his part. It sounds like he knows his friend well. I like that he didn’t make a big deal of it himself, by not calling them out, but also not apologizing for how he handled it, even if the overly sensitive bride was throwing pissy fits.
Since we know more about these specifics, then it should end most of the arguments here. However, I want to respond to a few points.
I’ve always felt comments like the second question were insulting unless it was clear that the person was missing something. Go ahead and ask Dio though.
The first sentence is a fair question though, and I got it from his repeated statements of their asking for an apology. You ask for an apology if you (or your fiancé) have been wronged, and, by asking, you are assigning blame on someone. Assigning blame on someone is blaming them.
From fluiddruid
Just because you’re the star for the day doesn’t give you the right to add to people’s misery. fluiddruid’s approach of not getting together with everyone, and letting the groom call him to work it out seems to be a much wiser solution.
I don’t know why I thought so too. Sorry!
I think you are massively exaggerating the reactions. ‘Baby killer’ :rolleyes: 
I responded negatively because FluidDruid described the groom as a ‘close friend’, which to me is a really big deal.
When my parents died, each time one of my close friends drove hundreds of miles to help me with the legal formalities. Another one phoned me every day for months, which really helped.
I’ve been to loads of friends’ weddings and never been treated like FluidDruid.
I’ve seen friendships break up over marriage.
One chap who’d roleplayed for entire weekends every month with us for 20 years brought his new fiancee to meet us at a session. She announced D+D was boring and demanded that we all do something else that she liked. They then married and we’ve never heard from him again.
Two mutual friends of 20 years never spoke again after one of them criticised the other’s bride. (I do appreciate this was an incredibly sensitive issue, even though the bride committed adultery and walked out in less than a year.)
FluidDruid, I’m glad to hear that there have been apologies from the couple and I hope everything does work out.
When in Rome…
My letter:
Dear Bride,
I want to thank you so much for calling off the party. I appreciate your understanding of how limited the finances of myself and {friend} are and how difficult it was for us to not be able to give you the party you and Groom wanted.
All the best.
I have to correct this. The other time you ask for an apology is when you know that your princess (or prince, but we’ll play along with the sexes in the OP) is way out of line, but she’s far too intensely into a project and stepping on people toes without realizing it, but you do now. However, you’ve got to live with her, and calm her down first.
So you tell your friend that you realize he’s in the right, but you want some nucky that night, and even though she’s being a drama queen about this thing, she’s not that bad overall, so would you mind saying you’re sorry, and let’s get this all over with?
But if you don’t do that, and just tell a friend to apologize, then you’re being an ass. It’s fortunate that the friend did come around in the end, but it was a few conversations late.
That sounds like a terrible way to live. I would never put my husband on the spot like that with anyone. Disclaimer or no disclaimer.
You’re the good kind of evil! 
My husband’s sister informed us that we had been chosen to pay for the photography at her wedding. (It was her second wedding–she had pretty much eloped the first time and so now was her chance to have the big show she always wanted.)
We sent her a nice note and a check for $50.
We got a letter some months later to let us know that the whole thing was called off, which was kind of her, since we were supposed to be in the bridaly party. We were actually kind of relieved because her fiance was a nice guy with two great kids who didn’t deserve to have her in the family.
She didn’t return the money or offer to refund the money for the bridesmaid dress. What a surprise.
We didn’t hear from her again for about 6 years when she sent us a note informing us that she’d had a baby, fathered by someone we’d never heard of and who was currently in prison.
And what does this piece of work do for a living? Why, she’s a marriage and family counselor, of course.