Why, you sanctimonious little whore. Don't you use scare tactics on me.

The BBQ Pit
1

This is the E-Mail I recieved from a girl I knew in the 8th grade. A devout fundamentalist, she constantly insists that “I’m going to hell”.

As many times I’ve told her (nicely and not-so-nicely) not to send glurge-y or witnessing E-mails to me, it seems she can’t help but shit in my Inbox.

This hellaciously long E-mail is brought to you, courtesy of (we’ll call her) “Ann”. If you’d rather not read it, I don’t blame you. It was sent to me in 48 pt. red font, drawn out and spaced in such a way that you could not read a sentance without scrolling downwards.

Now, I am definitely NOT making fun of Christians. I believe that the TRUE Christian is one who accepts people for the way they are, and DOESN’T TRY TO FORCE ANYTHING ON THEIR FRIENDS OR ACQUAINTANCES.

2

The reply to her as follows:

Lather, rinse, repeat.

3

Sometimes those who talk the talk are too busy to walk the walk:(

4

“Isn’t it funny that I have now blocked your e-mail address?”

Do so, or delete the e-mails without opening them.

Nothing like pounding somebody over the head with the Bible to make them feel all warm and fuzzy toward Jesus. :rolleyes:

5

Yeah, but did the priest require that the little birdies stay around and kiss his ass and constantly remind them that he saved them and that they were worthless and they sucked and they were evil and hung the toilet paper up the wrong way?

:rolleyes:

6

I would have been tempted to send her the following:

Goodness, I am terribly concerned for you. It saddens me to know that you have gone down hill to to the point that you easily lie and now engage in pornographic conversations, reading and emails. You need to seek professional help.

Leave me alone. I am now afraid to open emails from you.

7

Guinastasia, you actually read that whole thing? Dang. I guess her work is done then. :wink:

8

Naw, I just skimmed it over, I only really read the parable about the priest paying ten bucks so the little boy wouldn’t torture the birds, which is then compared to Christ being tortured so the Devil wouldn’t torture us or something.

9

Yes, but it probably did not have the desired effect…:wink:

10

I woulda held out for fifty from the old bastard.

11

And I was sure the punch line was going to be a cat came and immediately devoured the birds once they had been let out of the cage.
It sort of has a relevance analogy-wise, doesn’t it?

12

The stupid bird story doesn’t even make logical sense. Christians believe that Jesus is God, right? So why would he have to “pay” for us poor “birds?” Why not just take us? What confers “ownership” on Satan within the context of the story anyway?

And didn’t Jesus/God create Satan in the first place? Why? Didn’t Jesus/God know what Satan was going to do?

And if Satan is really that much of a problem, why can’t God just disappear him out of existence?
I’d probably send back a list of questions like this but people like that never answer them anyway. It makes their little peabrains hurt.

Can’t you just block her from your email?

13

And why stop at the birds. Now that the kid knows the old fart’s an easy mark he could start grabbing stray cats and telling the preacher he’s gonna set 'em on fire unless he gets a hundred bucks. I wonder how much money he could extort before the precaher would would finally say “fuck the cat.”

14

Either that or call Sister Mary Patrick in to smite his ass with thy holy ruler.

15

At which point the kid could say, “Yeah! Great idea!” and disappear into an abandoned building.

That oughta be good for a few sheckles.

16

I am annoyed by people who feel the need to tell me I’m going to Hell or try to use scare tactics on me. I’m convinced in many (if not most) they fully or subconciously realize scare tactics don’t work; they just use them to hammer home their moral superiority and make themselves feel like they’re “trying” to save you without admitting you into their ranks. A win-win for them. They keep their exclusive club, and yet get brownie points with God for trying to “spread the word.” I had a sister who fell in with a bunch of Baptists and got involved in that mess. Thankfully it lasted about as long as her friendship with the other church members lasted. I swear, that particular church was one of the most cult-like things I’ve ever seen.

Aaaanyway. Whenever someone reminds me that as an immoral, Godless heathen/infidel (pick one) I am surely set to burn in the fires of Hell, I usually calmly explain to them that I try to live my life in the best possible way I can, under the philosophy of leaving the world a better place than I found it… and if that earns me eternal punishment in a firey pit, then so be it. Lack of concern or reaction usually results in them being angry or frustrated, but I’ve found it to be the best solution. Either that or just ignore them entirely. Getting angry or combatitive about it typically just eggs them on or makes them think they are more “right” because they’re getting to you. YMMV.

17

"No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord, I came, I stood with downcast eyes. For in his hands God held a book; It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
“Your name I cannot find.
I once was going to write it down…
But never found the time”
Never knew the Lord was such a petty, sneering, vengeful sort.

Satan looks better all the time.

18

See, there you go again, Dio, trying to use logic against the extreme fundies. :wink:

Tsk tsk tsk.

19

And you were so mad at her for sending you a proselytizing email and telling you to pass it on… that you passed it on?

:wink:

20

Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Jesus say something about not shoving your piety in other people’s faces? Might it be too much to hope that she might be swayed by a message from said source?