Many years ago my grandfather had a large chunk of his innards removed due to esophageal cancer. For whatever reason this has left him with truly stupendous gas.
About ten or twelve years ago, my brother and I were staying with my grandparents. We all crawled into bed to watch a movie, and my grandfather nodded off. Within minutes, my brother, grandmother, and myself were hooting with laughter and hastily ran out of the room.
My grandpa had unleashed a half dozen depth charges. So, just like the very name of the movie we were watching, we were Gone With the Wind.
[Monty Python]I FART in your general direction![/Monty Python]
Yes, I agree that farts from strangers are evil. On the other hand, I once drunkenly farted on the packaged beef in a grocery store, much to my companion’s amusement. The point of this? Hell, I dunno…
I have also found farts to be a very good way of expressing displeasure or sarcastic disagreement. Seriously, what logical argument can refute a fart?
And lighting farts! To make flame shoot out one’s ass! Tell me, what can be more disgustingly biologically amusing?
Sorry it took me awhile to sniff this one out. I’ve got a cold.
Hey Zeus Crisco! Just which eye are you applying liner to? jar sweetie, you said “Learn from the master”. Will you please tell me what I’m doing wrong when I try that manuver?
Farts can be controlled? You mean there are people who can CHOOSE the time and place? Not me. Not after hemorrhoid surgery. I even keep extra undies at work. (TMI I know, sorry.)
Maybe when I was younger I could hold them in, but I’m approaching 60, and there are three things I’ve learned:
I think it was Billy Rubin maybe that told about how he was doing his Christmas shopping one year in a department store and he was walking over to the escalator and really had to shit and decided to let fly with some bad gas and as he got on the escalator he looked back to make sure no one was behind him and then leaned over and released the entire coop at once.
All of a sudden somebody yells out “Jesus Christ, what in the hell do you think your doing?” He looks back and here’s some poor guy in a wheelchair right about butt high behind him who’s eyes are watering and looks absolutely pissed.
My god. jarbabyj, you owe me a box of tissues, as I have read this thread and laughed until I cried.
That being said, I’m a girl who does not fart in front of anyone, no matter how close I am to them. My ass would explode before I would fart in front of someone.
Now, stinking up my office by myself is another matter entirely.
I think the worst farts I have smelled were in a gym. One day while it was crowded I went in for Leg day. Usually I have to wait in line to do squats since there is only one squat rack. When I went in, there was perhaps 20 people in the gym and nobody around. Yay! I walked right over there and discovered why nobody was doing squats. Somebody had relieved themselves of their egg/oatmeal/and protein shake breakfast. Ick.
Happened to me while Christmas shopping at the mall. There I was, browsing the Frank Lloyd Wright geegaws at the Museum Company when a middle aged man in a white sweatshirt and sunglasses attached to a string around his neck, walked by me and let loose a terribly LOUD fart. BRAAAAAAAAP. Then, he proceeded to stroll away.
At least try for SBD, at least we can always blame a convenient chicken!
Which brings up an issue that’s been nagging at the edges of my mind for years…
Which term do you guys prefer: SBD (Silent But Deadly,) or the more poetically pleasing SBV (Silent But Violent)? I admit to having an attachment to the adolescent classicism of SBD, but really, the mellifluous sound of SBV just kinda rolls off the tongue (which is entirely another issue altogether.)
There was workplace farting here yesterday, in the next cubicle. Resonant, throaty anal humming that punctuated the conversation, which carried on as if nothing happened. I think the accidental piss-farts (a small pffft let loose while peeing) are kind of cute.
When I talk to her on the phone, my sister has the habit of saying “Oh, hold on, I have an incoming call” and farts into the phone.
To get the ULTIMATE FART SOUND[sup]tm[/sup] without electronic enhancement:
Sit in a moist (wet, slightly used, etc) bathtub with the buttcheeks pressed firmly against the bottom of the tub.
This will result in the monster, gurgly, loud, and reverbed-out fart.
It will also result in Sweetums[sup]tm[/sup], aka P.T. Smegma, waking up and shrieking, “What the fuck!?! You pig!” And the added bonus of the other Sweetums[sup]tm[/sup] (aka, Mrs. Smegma. Yes. We reprduced. Run for the hills. This is your final warning.) bragging, “Uh huh, and I can make myself burp too!” All the while, Mrs. Smegma is giggling proudly; and evilly, I might add.
Damn, jar! Why did you open such a traumatic subject for me?
Somebody had relieved themselves of their egg/oatmeal/and protein shake breakfast. Ick.