Yeah, I’ve discovered that a Brazilian bikini wax just deprives you of any possibility for shooting a silent one.
Skerri, it looks like the two of us are the only ones who stifle in front of others. I wouldn’t fart in front of another person for $10.
No kidding? Interesting. A built-in muffler.
I’m DEFINITELY going to work on using the “incoming call” technique.
Good Lord, I’m laughing hysterically over this.
Happy holidays toot toot
Cripes, if I farted in front of others for $10 a pop [typed “poop” first, and almost left it!] I’d be a very rich woman.
You went a week without posting, then dropped in to join this thread, eh auntie em. What does that say about you?
Well, I don’t know, but it makes me think she’s my kinda gal!!!
OMG, thank you for this thread. I spent two hours last night sitting, literally, cheek by jowl with a Silent Smelly. It was the big Middle School Band and Orchestra concert, and EVERYBODY had to play at least two songs, and then the conductor had to get up and TALK interminably in between numbers (fundraising boosterism), and I was sitting next to somebody’s grandpa who didn’t seem to understand that the armrests on the seats are meant to be a tactful hint that there’s a difference between “your side” and “my side”, so it wasn’t bad enough I had his right elbow in my side the whole time, but every couple of minutes he’d let loose with a particularly pungent silent poot. Then he’d grunt and shift around, elbowing me again.
Thank goodness I had taken a particularly interesting book with me, almost as an afterthought, it was a lifesaver. (No, they didn’t turn the auditorium lights down, because otherwise the parents couldn’t read, silly.)
And now we know how much I must love my daughter, to sit through that.
And no one has mentioned the best part of sharing a bed with someone, the dreaded covered wagon (known by some as the dutch oven)?
Rip one like it’s going out of style, and then pull the covers over your bed mate’s head so that they may fully experience your essence.
Anyone else wonder why I’m single?
At work, I like to wait until I must fart, and then go into someone else’s empty office, and drop the bomb on them. Just a little present while you were away. 
For one thing, it says that I had Taco Bell Burritos for lunch. And we all know how that tends to turn out…
Ahem. Allow me to paraphrase, from a post dated 3-29-02:
It’s a blessing to be able to share these things with strangers. 
This thread has been the most fun to read that I have run across in a long time.
I’ve had to come into the study because I was farting too much in the living room.
Unfortunately, I’m guilty of farting while shopping. There’s something about Christmas shopping that makes me fart — strong, silent weapons of mass putrefaction. I have a policy of nonchalantly moving away from the fart zone, and hoping that everyone will blame the smell on some little old lady. Deep down, I fear that they all know it’s me. Look, everyone, let’s point and laugh at the stinky fart lady.
Early mornings make me fart, too.
I am your sister!
I do this ALL THE TIME! Even to my mother and grandma! I also catch farts in my hand and put them over my kids noses to make them gag.
Diane - you’re awesome.
jarbabyj
I’m laughing my ass off right now… Thank you for the post…I needed a deep giggle…
Hang on…
leans to the left
bbbRRRRrrrdidyouseecharlieroselastnighhhhhhht?
There we go!
There are some sick folks on the SDBM, bless you all (from a distance), JAR, you rock!.
unclviny
The best thing about the “incoming call” is that I fall for it every single time.
I think my favorite fart story is one that happened to my Dad. One day, he was at the grocery store, floated out a Category III nose-hair-curler, and proceeded to walk to the front of the store and get in line, thinking that he’d left it down the aisle.
But no… instead, it followed him to the checkout, where it befouled the air, and caused this mother to start chewing out her son who was being toilet trained.
“Bad boy! You know better than to poop in your pants! You don’t get to watch Barney when we get home!”.
“Noooo! Mommy! I didn’t do it. I didn’t poop in my pants!”
“You know better than to lie too!”
So the whole time my Dad’s torn between saving this child from undeserved punishment, and admitting that he let loose with the offensive odor.
Had my brother and I in tears when he told me this one!
When my husband farts in his sleep, my dog will left her head up and narrow her eyes at him, distainfully. If it is particularly offensive / loud, she will get up and start barking at his ass. Once she growled.
Not that she’s got a right to complain. Hers are always silent, but awful.
-Velma, who does not fart in front of others.
Along the line of bump’s mistaken farter experience:
I was on a run with 2 guys. On the way out on the path, guy #1 was farting pretty good. Lots of little putt putts. Nobody said anything about it - it happens when you run, no biggie.
On the way back to the finish, I let one rip. Guy #2 pipes up and says “Guy #1! Geez! What, did you have beans for lunch?”
I debated for a second whether or not to fess up. I did, and we had a hearty laugh. We still chuckle over it every now & again…
Good times, good times.