If you don’t mind Caricci, I’ll expand. This means:
a) Don’t sleep with her. You don’t sleep with her if the date isn’t going well enough to call her
b) Don’t say “I’ll call you.” Its a nice out, but it kind of leaves her thinking you might, oh, I don’t know, CALL!
c) Say instead: “This was interesting, thanks.” Or “You are really nice, but this isn’t happening for me.” Or “Boy, I’d love to screw you, but since I’d like to have a conversation later and you have the IQ of a persimmon, I think this is goodbye.” OK, maybe not the last one.
You know what? Speaking as a recently-single-again man, this is a great thread. Most of this stuff I’ve already thought of (don’t drink too much, be nice to the service staff, compliment judiciously, be on time, don’t talk too much or too little), but it’s nice to see my tendencies validated.
I’d say that, of all the things mentioned, the hardest (at least for me) is some variation of “don’t be nervous”. It’s particularly hard for someone in my situation (I’ve had three dates since the divorce, and the last date before becoming involved with the now-ex was in high school, 15 years ago), on account of the egregious lack of practice. But it’s good to know.
Oh, and Beadalin? What’s the difference between “Put your hand on the small of my back as we go through a doorway” and “Make any “territory-claiming” moves, like putting your arm around my shoulder, or grabbing my hand, or putting your hand on my leg, or ordering for me, unless I initiate it or ask you to”? I’m not being flip or sarcastic here; I really want to know. As I said above, I have almost no recent experience with dating, and I need to know these things.
As the starter of this here thread, I have to confess to some surprise and disappointment.
First, big thanks and respect to all those who have actually replied to the OP.
However, setting aside wisecracks, chat, multi-posts and discussions about the age of consent in Canada, I’ve had a total of about 16 or 17 actual responses to the OP. I was hoping for about 100.
Women, you know you spend some of your social time discussing the faults and failings of men you meet socially. You know that women’s magazines not infrequently discuss the same subject. So, now’s your chance to put your preferences on the record, once and for all, and tell us your DO and DO NOT preferences! And you know… it could be a really fun thread, too.
C’mon girls - share! I can guarantee if I (or someone else) starts a copy of ths thread for MEN, it will get a LOT of responses (but please, nobody do this until this thread is well and truly extinct). Are you really going to let the record show that men are the more effective communicators, and that women have problems expressing their feelings and preferences?
Is this supposed to be personal preferences, or a generalized list? Mine will be somewhat personal. Most of the general ones have been covered already.
Do
Open doors, offer to carry my backpack etc.
Dance
Be friendly, but not frighteningly intense
Try to find out and talk about common interests
Stop to pet dogs and cats (I don’t date people who don’t like animals)
Don’t
Come off as too polished- I don’t want you to be “the Dating Expert”- that suggests that you’re acting a role with me
Try to pay for my dinner/movie/whatever unless the date’s going really well- I don’t want someone I’m not clicking with to buy me things
Insult any of my friends
Make ignorant assumptions about me based on gender, religion, or dress style.
Laugh at my attempts at humor, no matter how lame.
If I ask a question, try to answer with ateast a whole
sentence.
DON’T
Try to compliment me by telling me that ANY part of my body is made for ANY sex act. example: “you have pretty lips”, is acceptable. “I bet you could suck a man dry with those lips”, not acceptable.
Have chewing gum, candy, cough drop etc… in your mouth. If your breath stinks, brush your teeth, if you have a cold stay home.
A couple of jokes is fine, but don’t do a whole comedy routine.
Don’t tell me:
a) how big your penis is
b) how good you are in bed
c) how good/bad other women are in bed
d)your plans to kidnap your daughter
e) you have friends that are hitmen for the CIA
To me, a man putting his hand on the small of my back to escort me through a doorway is one of those classically “gentleman” type things. It suggests that he views me as a lady, and tokens interest that is present but not creepily intense. It’s a good one to break out during a first date and continue through the relationship. I understand if it’s just a Bead thing, and other women feel differently.
All that as opposed to a “territory-claiming” move. Let me clarify.
A Territory Claim is all about attitude, and it’s done only when there are witnesses, for those witness (not for me). Assuming we’re on a first date, you’re not familiar enough with me for sustained physical contact (the hand on the small of the back thing is brief contact, which is OK). I have had several guys do the Territory Claim, which goes something like this: We’re sitting in a public space with lots of people around. Guy puts arm around shoulder and then makes eye contact with other men, seeming to signal to them, “She’s with me.” Or, we’re standing in line for something, and someone else strikes up conversation with me, and Guy takes my hand or makes some other gesture to tell whoever is talking to me that they won’t get anywhere. Hope that makes sense.
Again, it’s all about attitude. Those things can be appropriate and welcome when I am, definitively, with you (not on a 1st date), and when it’s done as a spontaneous gesture of affection, not to prove that I “belong” to you. The Territory Claim should only be used later in a relationship, if I need to be saved from some creepy come-on at a bar or party. Then it’s OK.
DO talk to me
DO listen to me
DO be yourself (be honest about your likes, dislikes, personality, background, etc.)
DO be polite to everyone you encounter on the date (me, waiter, guy in front of you in line, etc.)
DO be laid-back
I like first dates to be casual, friendly encounters. If you’re not already a friend, a first date is a way to see if I want to know you better. They’re not a statement of a commitment (to anything, not just a relationship), and they should not be high-pressured. Mornea nailed my #1 DON’T – DO NOT establish patterns of behavior on the first date that you can’t sustain. I’m thinking specifically about “gentlemanly” gestures. Holding the door for me – no sweat. I would hope you hold the door for anyone who passes behind you. Opening the door for me when I’m getting out of the car – please, no. Trying to put my seatbelt on for me (I’m not kidding) – absolutely not.
Corollary: DO NOT go overboard with the “gentleman” act, especially if you’re impolite to everyone else. I can see it’s an act, and I’m neither impressed nor fooled.
DO NOT try to control the date or pressure me into anything.
DO NOT try to convince me that I’m wrong about my beliefs, opinions, facts, etc. It is perfectly acceptable to disagree, but do it in a calm, rational, friendly way.
DO NOT make me do all of the talking.
DO NOT make any kind of crude sexual joke. This is a date-killer.
Ah, OK. I get it. The important bit seems to be whether it’s done for the benefit of other men standing nearby, yes? Gotcha. Thanks for the clarification. As I said, I need all the help I can get.
do
be open/flexible
be kind
be sincere
attempt to enjoy the moment
have manners (courtesy for others all around, no food in your mouth talking, on time…)
don’t
freak out (about Anything really)
let anything ruin the entire date (please excuse yourself and go away if something creates a bad mood for you)
have expectations
compare me to anyone (mainly exes)
be sleazy (married/too sexy too fast…)
I’m with the people that want to just have a casual good time even if there is no real desire to persue a relationship. By not making heavy plans you can either cut the date short or find something more to do.
LOL, I seem to be seeing a trend here. Time seems to be an issue for you. I confess, I have the same hangup about being on time and not being late. People who would never steal money from me will steal bits and pieces of my time away that I can never get back. Hey, guess what? My time is important too. If you meant 8:30, tell me 8:30, I’ll show up then. But if you meant 9:00 tell me that!
