Q: What was the last thing that went through the flies mind when he hit the windshield?
A: His butt.
Q: What’s Brown and Sticky
works better out loud but:
-Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One turns to the other and says “boy is it hot in here”. The other muffin looks at him and says
“HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN”
The Penguin Joke:
Two Penguins are alone on an Ice Flow. The first penguin chuckles to himself and says to his companion “You sorta look like you’re wearing a tuxedo”
The other penguin raises his eyebrow and says “what makes you think I’m not”?
This is kind of a Borscht-Belt style joke:
A businessman gets on a train to Pittsburg, and sits down next to another gentleman with a horrendous black eye, which he seemed to have recieved quite recently.
“Jeez, buddy, are you OK?” the businessman asked.
“I’m so embarassed,” said the gentleman with the black eye. “You ever had one of those episodes, where you say what you mean instead of what you want?”
“You mean like a Freudian slip?” asked the businessman.
“Exactly! Well, I went up to the ticket counter, and the cashier was this beautiful woman, with enormous breasts. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. So what I wanted to say was ‘two tickets to Pittsburg’, but what came out was ‘two pickets to titsburg’. She hauled off and belted me.”
“Boy, I know what you mean,” said the businessman. “Just this morning, I meant to ask my wife ‘Honey, would you please pass the sugar?’ but what came out was ‘You bitch, you ruined my life!’”
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says “Doctor, you have to help my friend! He thinks he’s an orange!”
“That is very serious,” says the psychiatrist. “I must see your friend right away. Where is he?”
“He’s in my pocket.”
Oh, and a blue one:
Three nuns die and go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter says: “You’ve all been good people, and I’m going to let you into heaven. First, though, I have to ask you one question.”
“Okay,” say the nuns.
He beckons the first nun forward. “Have you ever touched a penis?”
She hangs her head in shame. “Yes, sir. I have.”
“That is not so great a sin,” St. Peter says. “Simply go and cleanse the offending part of yourself in the ritual bath.” He points toward a large pool of water.
“Thank you, sir.” The first nun goes forward and washes her hands in the bath several times.
“Now,” he says, indicating the second sister. “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
“Yes,” she says, shaking her head from side to side. “I have.”
“You also may go and cleanse yourself.” The second nun goes to the bath and washes the sin away.
“Now, you,” St. Peter says, pointing to the third nun. “Have you ever touched a penis?”
She nods. “Yes.”
“Go and be cleansed, my child.”
“Oh HELL no! I’m not putting my mouth where her ass has been!”
Two nuns are riding their bicycles in Rome, seeing the sights. It’s late and they decide to take a shortcut back to the Vatican. Night is falling, and the younger nun gets a little worried. She says to the older nun, “Sister, I’ve never come this way before.”
“I know,” says the older nun, smiling. “It’s the cobblestones.”
A penguin is driving across country when his car begins to break down. He takes the exit ramp to the nearest little town, and to his relief finds a repair garage that’s open. The mechanic says, “Tell you what, I’ve got one other job ahead of you. Why don’t you walk through downtown, take a look around, and come back here in, say, half an hour?”
The penguin agrees. He admires city hall, the library, and the bandstand on the town square, and then sees a sidewalk ice cream vendor. Ice cream! It’s been MONTHS since he’s had ice cream! He orders a three-scoop vanilla cone and eagerly begins eating it, gorging himself and covering his beak and face in his enthusiasm.
He waddles back to the garage. The mechanic emerges, wiping his hands on a rag, and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin blushes. “Oh, no, this is just ice cream.”
How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One (plus or minus three).
[QUOTE=Elendil’s Heir]
A penguin is driving across country when his car begins to break down. He takes the exit ramp to the nearest little town, and to his relief finds a repair garage that’s open. The mechanic says, “Tell you what, I’ve got one other job ahead of you. Why don’t you walk through downtown, take a look around, and come back here in, say, half an hour?”
The penguin agrees. He admires city hall, the library, and the bandstand on the town square, and then sees a sidewalk ice cream vendor. Ice cream! It’s been MONTHS since he’s had ice cream! He orders a three-scoop vanilla cone and eagerly begins eating it, gorging himself and covering his beak and face in his enthusiasm.
He waddles back to the garage. The mechanic emerges, wiping his hands on a rag, and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin blushes. “Oh, no, this is just ice cream.”
[/QUOTE]
I read through this whole thread JUST so I could make sure no one had posted this one, and there it is.. the LAST post.
Actually the threatd was enjoyable anyway but I am still highly miffed!
Still, I have another offering:
A young traveller, thirsty after a days journey, found himself on the outskirts of a small town where, luckily, there happened to be a pub.
He entered the pub to find it completely empty aside from the bartender who was angrily wiping down the bartop.
The young man opened his mouth to order a pint but the bartender slammed his hand down on the bar and said, "You see this bartop here??? It’s BEAUTIFUL! Made from a single cut of a giagantic oak, she be! I chopped that tree down with my bare hands, and drug her up the hill with nothing but a rope and the strenght of my back. I cut her to shape MYSELF! I sanded her MYSELF! Every inch of this beauty is the work of my hands! But do they call me McCloud the Bar-maker?? NOO!
Shocked, the young traveller took a step back, but the Irishman continued.
"You see that barn over there? It’s BEAUTIFUL! Over 2 dozen highland pines went into it’s creation! I poured the foundation MYSELF! I nailed each board to the next MYSELF! There is not one barn within a thousand miles that is its equal! But do they call me McCload the Barn-Builder?? NOO!!
The traveller was spell bound now, watching as the irishman built up steam.
"You see that rock wall over there?? It’s BEAUTIFUL! 500 yards long, she be, and every stone perfectly fitted into the others! Over two tons of stone and mortar and I placed every single piece of it MYSELF! Over 10 years through storm and snow and not one stone has fallen from it’s place. But do they call my McCloud the bricklayer?? NOO!!!
Incensed now, the bartender picked up a mug and hurled it into a wall where it shattered into hundreds of pieces.
"Do they call me McCload the bar-maker?? NOO!!
Do they call me McCload the Barn-builder?? NOO!!
Do they call me McCload the Bricklayer?? NOO!!
But you fuck one goat…"
[QUOTE=DarRRva]
watch a movie called the Aristocrats. It contains the second funniest joke I have ever heard in my life. the funniest is just too damn long to write up here, it takes about 40 minutes to tell.
And I could never do the aristorcrats joke justice in wiriting. But seriously, watch it.
[/QUOTE]
Here is one version of the joke (there are hundreds). WARNING: OFFENSIVE
A family walks into a talent agency. It’s a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, “We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.”
The agent says, “Sorry, I don’t represent family acts. They’re a little too cute.”
The mother says, “Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.”
The agent says, “OK. OK. I’ll take a look.”
The father pulls a small stereo out of his bag and presses play. The William Tell Overture begins to play ceremoniously as the four family members begin to undress and the dog looks on intently. The agent is quite puzzled.
The daughter lays down on her back on the floor. The son sits on the daughter in a ‘Cincinnati Bowtie’ formation and begins to reverse titty-fuck her with his ass in her face while she proceeds to tongue-punch his brown star. The son grabs the daughter�s two ankles and holds her legs up in the air to reveal that her preteen pinkness is in its inaugural menstruation, as a delicate white tampon string reveals. The father comes running over and grabs said string and pulls the fresh blood popsicle out of his daughter�s snatcheroo and holds it up in front of the agent.
“Down the Hatch!” He exclaims as the horrified agent looks on.
The father wraps his mouth around the saturated cotton and sucks the clumpy blood out of the cotton sponge, much like one would suck the syrup out of a freeze pop. Instead of swallowing, however, the father gargles with the blood and spits it into a huge bloody pool onto the floor, and smiles at the agent with blood clotting between his teeth.
At this point, the dog, unabashed from Tampax restrictions, gets on top of the daughter and proceeds to nail her missionary style as the son watches and cheers the dog on, still tittyfucking the daughter.
The father turns to the mother and gives her a swift kick to the head, knocking her unconscious. As she lays unmoving on the floor, the father shoves an unlubed hand up into her cervix and spontaneously aborts the small fetus he created in her womb not one month earlier.
The agent begins to wretch on the floor.
The father spins the ruined fetus on his finger and spikes it to the ground… then goes and makes the Lambeau Leap onto the agent�s desk. He notices a Bible in the corner of the agent’s room.
“Mind if I borrow this?” the father asks. The agent can only simply stare with his mouth agape.
The father grabs the Bible and opens it up to Luke, 4: 39… and proceeds to squat over the holy book and unleash the runs on its sacred pages. When he has finally finished unloading his insides, he slams the book shut… tiptoes to the edge of the agent’s desk, and much like a wrestler with a metal chair, jumps off the desk and crushes the dead fetus on the floor with the lord’s book, leaving nothing but a bloody red mess of useless fetus parts.
At this point, the agent has passed out.
The father then proceeds to flip over the unconscious mother and ream her anally without any lubrication. When she finally comes to, she is so startled that he pulls out of her suddenly so as to leave her with a prolapsed anus. He grabs her pink sock and ties it around his neck while lighting up a cigar and doing his best Groucho Marx impression. The mother passes out again in pain.
With the music building to a crescendo, the agent finally awakens. The father jumps on the stomach of the mother to project fecal matter out of her ravaged colon. Unable to control herself in her unconscious state, piss flies out of her hole and into the mouth of the onlooking son, who gargles it with glee, and spits it out into the ever increasing liquid pool on the floor. The father, sensing his son is near climax, runs over to jerk off his son to completion while the daughter shoves a gratuitous finger up his ass to massage his prostate as he shoots a perfect arc of spermatozoa across the room and onto the floor.
The dog, clearly excited by all the ruckus, begins to pump harder inside of the daughter as the father and son urge him on with a bacon bone. The daughter squeams and cries as the dogs rugged tool explodes in her unwanting crevice. Immediately, the son punches the daughter in the stomach, causing the dog’s creampie to fly out of her hole and add to the pile on the floor which now consists of mother’s piss and shit, smashed fetus, a diarrhea covered bible, the daughter’s menstrual blood, the son’s load, and the agent vomit.
The music swells and the father says… “And now for the Big Finish!! Kids, its time for hurricane Katrina!!”
The father grabs the dog, and breaks its neck in one swift movement. The father then runs to the door of the office and rips it off its hinges. They throw the mother’s and dog’s lifeless body onto the door and the father, son, and daughter push the dead mother and dog on the door through a wading pile of human fluid and waste, much like a dead body drifting out of New Orleans. After they have crossed the whole room, the 3 jump on top of the agent’s desk and shout, “TADAAAA!!”
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, “That’s a hell of an act. What do you call it?”
And the father says, “The Aristocrats!”
Two cows are standing in a meadow.
One says to the other, “Moooooooo”.
The other one says, “I was going to say that…”
…
Two vomits walking down the street.
They walk past a pub.
One stops and looks in and starts crying, he gets all misty-eyed… as only vomits can…
The other vomit asks what the matter is.
The first vomit says, “That’s where I was brought up…”
[QUOTE=vetbridge]
The music swells and the father says… “And now for the Big Finish!! Kids, its time for hurricane Katrina!!”
[/QUOTE]
It was good up until this part. This made it great.
[QUOTE=Malodorous]
Q: What’s Brown and Sticky?
A: A stick
[/quote]
Oh yeah?
What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper
[QUOTE=Lemur866]
Oh yeah?
What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper
[/QUOTE]
Oh yeah?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back when you throw it?
A stick
[QUOTE=Malodorous]
The Penguin Joke:
[/QUOTE]
[gk]I love that joke. [/gk]
A man walks into a bar and hears someone pounding away on a piano. He notices a crowd gathered around a piano in the corner, and sees that the guy playing the piano is really tiny – only a foot high or so.
He asks the bartender where he found such a small piano player, and the bartender jerks his thumb to the backbar where there’s an oil lamp on a shelf.
“Magic genie,” says the bartender.
“Wow!” the customer says. “Can I try rubbing the lamp?”
“Sure,” says the bartender, reaching for the lamp. “Just be sure to speak very clearly when you make your wish.”
“What do you mean?” asks the customer.
“Well,” the bartender says, “do you really think I would’ve asked for a 12-inch pianist?”
A man walks into a bar and sees a dog sitting on the closest barstool, drinking a beer. He sits next to the dog and orders a beer. After a few minutes, the dog turns to the man and says, “Hot day, huh?”
Startled to hear the dog speaking to him, the man says, “Wow, a talking dog! What are you doing in this bar?”
The dog motions with his muzzle out the front window and says, “I’m helping build that hotel across the street – I’m a bricklayer – and I just came in for a cold one.”
The man says to himself, “Man, I could make a lot of money off of this dog.” He excuses himself and goes to the back of the bar, where he makes a call to a friend who owns a circus. In a few minutes, he comes back to the dog and says, “Great news! I’ve got a friend who owns a circus, and he’d love to have you come work for him!”
The dog looks at the man and asks, “What in the hell does a circus need with a bricklayer?”
Three guys were going down the street. Two walked into a bar, the third one ducked.
What’s the difference between a magician and The Rockettes?
One is an array of cunning stunts.
[QUOTE=vetbridge]
And the father says, “The Aristocrats!”
[/QUOTE]
Well, that joke beats them all. I mean, like, physically and savagely beats them pulpy.
A blonde walks into a library and asks the librarian in a very loud voice, “Excuse me, I am here to see the doctor.” The librarian says, “Maam, this is a library.” The woman then says to the librarian, “Oh I’m sorry.” Then in a very soft whisper says, “I’m here to see the doctor.”
Mother Superior and her newest nun, an excitable young woman, are driving their car across Transylvania in the middle of the night. The road winds up the side of a mountain far from any villages or farms, and the inky black night sky is illuminated only by a sliver of moon. The young nun, knowing of the area’s reputation, nervously rubs her rosary beads.
Suddenly, from the darkness, a vampire swoops down and lands on the hood of the car. Hissing and spitting, he leers bloodthirstily through the windshield of the car at the nuns.
“Eeek!” shrieks the young nun. “Mother Superior, what should I do?”
Mother Superior calmly instructs her, “Order him off the car in the name of God.”
Nodding shakily, the young nun leans out the window and commands the vampire, “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, leave us in peace!”
No effect. The vampire licks his long fangs and eyes the young nun hungrily.
“What now, Mother Superior?” asks the young nun.
“Sprinkle him with your holy water,” answers Mother Superior.
The young nun leans again out the window, anxiously wielding her little bottle of holy water, and manages to splash the vampire with a few drops.
Still nothing. Licking his lips, the vampire begins crawling across the hood of the car toward the young nun.
Almost panicking now, the young nun turns once more to Mother Superior. “He’s still there!” she cried.
Mother Superior says, “Hurry! Show him your cross!”
The young nun leans out the window once more, faces the vampire, and screams “GET THE FUCK OFF THE CAR, ASSHOLE!”