World's funniest joke

Cafe Society
101

Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire after a long day on the cattle drive. As cowpokes will do, they get to swapping stories about how tough they are. The first cowboy say, “Why, I must be the toughest, meanest, son of a gun on the range. Just the other day the biggest bull in the herd charged me and knocked me clean off my horse. He trampled me and gored me in the ribs, but I still managed to grab his horns and bring him down.”

The second cowboy says, “Heck, that ain’t nothin’. While we were filling our canteens up by the crick, a nest of water moccassin came darting out of the brush and made right for me. After I’d been bit twice, I grabbed one of 'em, bit his head off, sucked up the venom and spit it back at the rest of them.”

The third cowboy sat staring into the fire and said nothing, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

102

Please see the movie. Dozens of comedians all discussing and telling the same joke. Weird premise, but funny. The only time Gilbert Gottfried has made me laugh.

103

selinus … great now I’m dead. You bastard.

104

A guy comes into a bar and orders 6 shots of bourbon.
He proceeds to down them one after another.
The bartender asks him,“celebrating something? what’s the occasion?”
The guy replies “First blowjob”.
Bartender replies “Great! Here, let me buy you another shot.”
The guy shakes his head. “No thanks, if six shots didn’t wash the taste out, neither will seven.”

105

And the followup:

A guy goes into a bar and orders 6 shots of bourbon.
Bartender lines them up and the guy does them quickly one after another.
The bartender asks him, “Why are you drinking them so fast?”
The guy says, “You’d drink fast too if you had what I had.”
Bartender says “What do you have?”
Guy answers, “Fifty cents.”

106

Holy fuck! A talking **transgendered ** cow!

107

I suppose I might contribute a joke, too.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Control freak … now you say control freak who!

108

A man gets on a plane and when he reaches his seat notices that the most beautiful woman he has ever seen is in the seat next to him.

Shortly after takeoff, the woman sneezes. Then she takes a tissue, reaches under her skirt and wipes gently. The man thinks to himself, ‘Did she just do what I think she did?’

a short while later, she repeats the same thing. Sneeze and then using a tissue on her nether bits. Then man sees it this time, but is too shocked to say anything.

This happens yet a third time, and finally he can’t take it anymore. So he asks ‘I’m confused here, why do you wipe yourself there after you sneeze, are you hitting on me or what?’ She replies, ‘Oh, I’m sorry to have disturbed you. But I have a very rare condition that causes me to have an orgasm when I sneeze.’ The man becomes sympathetic and asks ‘Is there any medication you take for that?’ And she answers
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‘Yes, pepper.’

109

How do you get a nun pregnant?

You fuck her

110

It’s been a long time since a knock-knock joke made me laugh this hard! :smiley:

111

What do you call a black man who is licensed to fly an airplane?

A pilot, you racist asshole!

“Two Jews are walking down the street…”

“Why is it always two Jews walking down the street?”

“Ok, fine. Two Pakistanis are walking down the street when one says to the other, ‘What did you think of the Rabbi’s sermon at Moishe’s bar mitzvah?’…”

Two aristocratic members of the British Foreign Service meet on the streets of London.

The first says, “Did you hear about Perkins?”

“No, what about him?”

“Apparently, he’s having an affair with a donkey!”

“Male or female?”

“Oh, female, of course. Nothing queer about Perkins.”
-Rick

112

A little girl asks her dad what a vagina is. Her dad replies, “That is what your mommy has below her waist.” The little girl then asks, “Daddy, then what is a cunt?”

Daddy replies, “That is the rest of mommy.”

Those of you on you second or third wife will appreciate that one

113

Just to balance the last one:

Q: What do you call the insensitive part at the base of the penis?

A: The man.

114

Or a variation:

What do you call the useless piece of flesh at the end of a penis?

A man.

115

This one’s as old a dirt:

God created woman, and gave her three breasts. Unfortunately, the woman found that arrangement unwieldy, with the third breast getting in the way and the whole rack weighing a bit more than she’d like. So, God performed some Holy Surgery, removing the breast in the middle, and leaving her as you see her today.

“Keep the third as a souvenir,” said God to the woman.
“Uh, OK,” said the woman “but what am I supposed to do with this useless boob?”

And God created man.

116

Two I’m going straight to Heck for:
Jesus walks into the Great Temple and, to his horror, sees hundreds of merchants and moneychangers conducting their business in a very boisterous manner. The sight of this horrifies Him, so he grabs a whip from a whip merchant and uses it to beat the merchants and chase them out of the Temple, shouting, “This is my Father’s house, not a marketplace! Begone and never return to this holy place again!”
When the last of the merchants had been chased from the temple, Jesus raises his eyes to heaven, says “Forgive me, Father”, and walks out the front door.
Unbeknownst to Him, a lone beggar had been sitting in a corner watching the proceedings. As Jesus walked out the door, the beggar stood up and shouted,

“HEY, JESUS, CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR! WHAT WERE YOU, BORN IN A STABLE OR SOMETHING???”

A priest and a nun are playing golf one day. The nun tees up her ball, swings, and hits a beautiful shot 250 yards down the middle of the fairway. The priest tees off and hits a wicked slice that ends up in a thick patch of woods.

The priest yells, “AHHH, SHIT!” The nun looks at him, horrified, and says, “Father, please, no blasphemy!” The priest sheepishly says, “I’m sorry, Sister. I get too involved in this game sometimes. I promise it’ll never happen again.”

The priest finds his ball in the woods, grabs a wedge, and tries to chip out. Unfortunately, his shot hits a tree and bounces back 10 feet further into the woods. The priest again yells, “AHHH, SHIT!”. The nun again chastises him for his language. The priest says, “I’m sorry, Sister. May God strike me down if I ever use that kind of language again!”

He finally reaches the green and has a two-foot putt to win the hole. He draws back his putter and proceeds to miss the cup by several inches. Again, he shouts, “AHHH SHIT!”

Suddenly, the sky opens up and a huge bolt of lightning streaks out of the heavens—and strikes the nun dead.

A booming voice emanates from the heavens:

"AHHH SHIT!"

117

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man! was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

118

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?

When he eats his first Brownie. :wink:

119

One gay sperm to another"

“How are we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?”

120

Bucky Goldstein was the name Steven Wright used when he told this joke, and he was sitting next to a nymphomanic who was only turned on by Jewish Cowboys.
My contribution:
A baby seal walks into a club.