World's funniest joke

Cafe Society
121

Jesus is walking through Jerusalem one day and sees an angry mob, all with stones in hand, chasing down a wanton woman. Jesus quickly intervenes.

“But Jesus, can’t you see this woman is a prostitute and deserves to be stoned to death!” shouts out one angry man.

“May the sinless person cast the first stone.” Jesus calmly replies.

One by one, all the people in the mob become shame-faced, and guiltily drop their rocks to the ground…all except one old woman, who throws the rock with such force that it instantly strikes the wanton woman dead.

Jesus looked at the lifeless woman, and then at the elderly woman, and said in exasperation:

“Mom!”

122

How many psychiatrist does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But it has to want to change

123

There is a castle that is surrounded by a deep, dark forest and in this forest lives a giant yellow hand. This hand kills anyone that tries to leave or reach the castle so the people inside are getting desperate for food.
They send out their bravest knights to kill the beast but all fail and are killed. After all the knights have been lost, a small knight’s attendant volunteers and the court all laugh in his face until someone points out they are out of options and they agree to let him try.
Since they have lost all the horses along with the knights he will have to walk through the forest. He agrees and walks out and disappears into the woods. A short time later, he returns with food and supplies for the castle.
The moral of the story is…

…let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

124

An old lady went to the bank clutching an overstuffed sack and demanded to see the bank’s president. The tellers tried to steer her toward middle-management, but she was insistant. “I got a lotta money here!” she proclaimed loudly, and eventually the tellers relented.

So she entered the obliging president’s office and dumped half a million dollars in unmarked bills from the sack onto his desk. The bank president was stunned, and wondered if the old lady was the matriarch of some organized crime family, or worse. He asked her pointedly how she came into posession of so much cash.

“I make bets,” she said.
“Bets? What kind of bets?” demanded the president.
“Oh, any kind. Every kind! For instance, I’ll bet you 25 grand your balls are square.”
“What?” cried the bank president.
“$25,000 says you’ve got fuzzy dice down there.”

The bank president was on the verge of having the old woman ejected from his office, but realizing he was in the business of profit, after all, he quietly reconsidered. Easy money, right?

“You’re on!” he chortled.
“Wonderful!” exclaimed the old lady. “But since this is a lot of money we’re talking about, before the winnings are collected, I want to have my attorney present. What say I come back here tomorrow morning at nine with him, and we settle the bet?”
“Whatever you wish,” the president replied with a smile.

Back at home, the president, a bit nervous about the sum of money he had committed himself to betting, carefully studied his balls in a mirror. “No way these are square,” he thought. “Crazy old bat. Well, it’s not like she’ll miss the 25 thou.” He counted Benjamin Franklins in his head, and fell asleep.

At 9:00 AM sharp, the old woman and her attorney arrived at the president’s office.
“Hello!” he greeted them warmly. “Now, will you be paying in cash, or a check? I also would gladly accept a cashier’s check, if you prefer.”
“Oh-ho!” said the old lady, “A little premature, aren’t we?”
“Lady,” said the bank president, “I won the bet the moment you made it. My balls are most certainly not square.”
“Well, let’s see 'em, then,” she demanded.
“What?” the president gasped.
“It’s a lot of money!” she exlaimed.
“Oh, all right,” said the president, quite embarassed.
“Hmmm,” said the old lady, peering over her spectacles. “I better have a feel, just to be sure.”
“You’ve got to be…Fine!” grumbled the president.

The old lady reached out and began fondling the presidents balls. Immediately, the woman’s attorney, motionless and silent up to this point, got up and began beating his head hard against the wall.

“What the hell is his problem??” the president sputtered.
“I bet my attorney $100,000 I’d have the bank president’s balls in my hand before 9:30 this morning.”

125

Why do gorillas have such big fingers???

Because they have such big nostrils!!!

126

A man awoke on the morning of his 40th birthday, and he was really depressed. He couldn’t believe he was already forty! He grumbled as he brushed his teeth and dressed to go jogging, and complained to himself about how he was just getting too old for all this exercise, because his joints were starting to ache, and he just felt so ancient, and on, and on.

As he left his apartment building, the doorman noticed his ill humor and being a companionable fellow, he asked the man what was wrong. “It’s my birthday, and I’m OLD, dammit!” the man growled, “Forty–FORTY!!” The doorman was genuinely surprised, and replied, “Really? Forty? You certainly don’t look it–about 35 would’ve been my guess.”

The man, although taken aback, could see that the doorman was sincere–he thanked the fellow for the compliment and tipped him well. He went on his way, feeling somewhat better.

As he returned from his jog, he stopped at the newsstand, as he usually did. He told the woman working there that it was his birthday, and even though it had started badly, seemed to be improving. “How old?” she asked, and expressed the same surprise as the doorman had at the answer. “Honestly, sir, you look to be only about 35 or 36 to me!”

By now, he felt a lot more like celebrating, so he stopped at a supermarket to buy a few special things like a bottle of wine, steak, even some flowers. As he placed all his stuff on the conveyer, the cashier, a pretty young thing, exclaimed, “Wow! Looks like you’ve got something special going on! Must be a lady!” and she winked. Encouraged by the previous encounters, he answered, “No lady–it’s my birthday, and I decided to celebrate, that’s all!” Then he hesitated for a moment and asked, “How old do you think I am?” She frowned a moment, then replied, “I’d say you’re about 33, sir!” Oh, boy, NOW he was really in a good mood. Triumphantly he stated, “Actually, today I am FORTY.” This time, he said it with pride! “Well, you certainly don’t look it,” smiled the young cashier.

As he left the store with his purchases, he decided to catch a bus to take him the few blocks to his apartment, since his arms were so full. As he waited, an elderly woman approached and stood waiting there with him. “Well, young man,” she said, smiling, “You seem to be in a good mood today!” “Well, ma’am,” he answered, “it’s my birthday today and it’s turning out well!” Again, he couldn’t resist asking, “How old do you think I am?” “Young man, I’m 85 years old, and I just don’t see as well as I used to. It’s hard for me to make such judgements based on sight alone. But I’ll tell you what I can do. If you’ll let me feel around in your pants for about 10 minutes, I’ll tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

The man was shocked, but at the same time, he was intrigued. Could such a thing be possible? Curiousity overcame caution, and he agreed. They went to a small alley close to the bus stop and he did as she asked. She rooted around, feeling everything carefully and thoughtfully, and very thoroughly. At the end of 10 minutes, she confidently stated, “You, young man, are forty years old today!” The man was astonished and stammered, “But how–how could you be so sure? How on earth were you able to tell my age?”

The old lady shrugged. “I was behind you in the line at the supermarket!”

127

Three businessmen are attending the funeral of a close friend who had recently died. It was time for the Viewing, and the three had gathered to pay their respects of the deceased as he lay in the coffin.

“I feel terrible” said the first. “Our dear friend here died before I had a chance to pay him back the $100 I borrowed recently.” And with that, he opened his wallet, took out a crisp $100 note, and tucked it into the deceased’s jacket pocket.

“I also feel terrible!” exclaimed the second as the first took his seat in the church. “For I too had borrowed $100 from our dearly departed friend, and had not yet managed to repay him for his kindness.” And he too opened his wallet, took out a $100 note, and placed in the deceased’s jacket pocket, before also taking his seat.

“How generous our departed friend was!” said the third. “He had kindly lent me $100 when things were not going to well, and I had not had the chance to repay his kindness- well, now I must rectify this gross oversight! Alas, I do not have any cash on me…” And with that, he took out his chequebook and wrote a cheque for $300, took the two $100 notes from the deceased’s pocket, and replaced them with the cheque. :smiley:

Thank you, I’m here all week… Try the veal! :smiley:

128

How do you make Chicken Kiev?

First, heat Kiev to 3000 degrees …
hangs head and walks away

129

A guy goes into a bar and approaches the bartender.

He say, “I’ll have 10 beers.”

The bartender says, “Well, that’s a lot…but ok.”

The man takes the beers, sits down, and drinks all ten. Quite drunk, he stumbles out of the bar and takes a taxi home.

The next day, the same man comes into the bar and approaches the bartender.

The bartender says, “Do you want 10 more beers?”

The man says, “No way. Just water today. I’m never drinking again.”

The bartender says, “Really? Why?”

The man says, “Well, I was pretty drunk last night. I stayed up all night blowing chunks.”

The bartender says, “Well, that’s pretty normal. It’s not that big of a deal really.”

The man says, You don’t understand. Chunks is my dog!

130

This is the one that got the :confused: … :eek: … :smiley: out of me. A lot of the jokes were great, but this was the only one that literally made me laugh out loud.

My second favorite, since the interupting cow has already mentioned, is:

A doctor, a lawyer, and a banker are at a strip club. The doctor says: “watch this”, walks to the stage, licks the back of a $20 bill, and smacks it onto the dancer’s left butt cheek. The lawyer says “that’s nothing”, takes out a $100 bill, licks it, and smacks it onto the right cheek. The banker says “you guys are amateurs”, walks up, takes out his ATM card, swipes it down the middle and takes the $120.

131

My friend named his dog Chunk due to this joke.

My favourite joke:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck in his zipper. The bartender goes “hey man! You have a steering wheel stuck in your zipper!” The pirate responds “AURGGGHHH!!! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

(tee-hee)

132

Like this?

133

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the woods?

(think about it)

…how about the contortionist who swallowed his pride?

134

Penny Arcade did it first (also, at least) and I heard the joke before seeing either comic.

135

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him.

The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle, …Turner Brown.”

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, “What’s wrong with you?”

In a weak voice the little guys says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw the curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pound, my right testicle weighs 1 pound and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn around’!”

136

A biology student decides to do some experiments on a frog. He puts the frog under anesthesia and removes one of its legs. After surgery, he asks the frog to jump.
“Five centimeters,” he writes in his journal.
Next month, he removes another leg and asks the frog to jump.
“Three-point-five centimeters,” he writes in his journal.
A month later, he removes a third leg and asks the frog to jump. It is more difficult this time, but the frog manages to get a little height before collapsing in a heap.
“A quarter centimeter,” the student writes.
Finally, he removes the fourth leg and asks the frog to jump. It remains on the table in a lump. He writes in his journal:

After removal of all four legs, frogs become deaf.

137

Old Ted decides to celebrate his retirement by taking a fishing holiday. He books himself a room in a hotel a stone’s throw away from the local fishing spot and resolves to get up at the crack of dawn every day to make sure of getting some decent fishing time.

The day after he checks in he wakes up at 6:00am and, rod slung over his shoulder, happily trundles down to the lake. Unfortunately, his hopes of getting in some quality ‘alone time’ are dashed when he reaches the bank and sees that there’s another fisherman already there, a youngish guy with an already impressive pile of fish. A minor annoyance, he shrugs it off but resolves to get there earlier the next day.

He gets up at 5:00am the next day and heads to the lake, confident he’ll be the only one there. However, it turns out the youngish guy from the day before is already there and, judging by the pile of fish next to him, had been there for some time.

Now Ted’s pissed. He gets up at 4:00am the next day, heads down to the lake in the pitch darkness and casts his line in the water. However, as his eyes get used to the gloom he sees the same guy again! This time with an even bigger pile of fish.

Ted decides it’s time to get acquainted. He heads over to him and, after a few minutes of small talk, Ted asks the guy how he came to be at the lake.

“I’m on my honeymoon” The man replies.

“Then why do you spend all your time fishing?” Ted asks, baffled “Why aren’t you spending some ‘quality time’ with your wife?”

“No point, mate. She’s got Gonorrhea.”

“Oh” Ted pauses, “Well, er…couldn’t you take her up the, er…y’know?”

The young man nods solemnly, comprehendingly “Nah mate. She’s got diarrhoea”.

“Oh…Well, can’t she give you a blowjob or something?”

“Nah mate. She’s got pyorrhea.”

“Well for pete’s sake” Ted cries exasperatedly “Why on earth did you marry her then?”

“For the maggots”.

138

Here is my favorite:

It was just before closing when a man walks into a bakery. “I need a cake decorated” he says.
The woman behind the counter says “We are just about to close, the best I can do is pipe a quick word or two on with frosting”.
“It’s really, really important” the man says.
The woman sees that the man is near tears and says she might be able to help him. The man pulls out a picture and says “it has to look exactly like this”.
The picture is of a pretty complicated cake that says “Happy Anniversary” and she now thinks she understands why the man is so desparate. She takes the picture in the back room and goes to work. About 45 minutes later she comes back, wiping her brow and shows the man the cake. He looks at the cake, and then the picture, and then at the cake again.
“It’s close”, he says, “but the flowers need to be a little darker”.
The woman has spend so much time, that she is bound and determined to get it perfect. She scrapes off the flowers, dyes the remaining frosting a little darker, and re-does the flowers.
“It’s perfect!” the man says excitedly, “How much do I owe you”?
“That will be $27.50”, she says.
The man pulls out $30, says “keep the change”, and picks up the cake.
“Let me get you a box” she says.
“No thanks”, the man says, “I’ll just eat it here”.

139

A duck walks into a feed store, hops on the counter and says, “You got any duck food?”

The counterman says, “Sorry, we don’t.” The duck jumps off the counter and waddles out.

The next day the same duck comes in, hops on the counter and asks, “You got any duck food?”

The clerk remembers from the day before and says, “I don’t believe anyone makes any food specifically for ducks. We have some…” The duck jumps off the counter and waddles out.

Next day, duck walks in, “You got any duck food?”

Remembering yesterday’s rudeness, the clerk says simply, “No.” Duck waddles out.

This continues every day for a week. Each day “You got any duck food?” “No.”

Finally the clerk has had enougn. He’s gone from bemused to amused to annoyed to, finally, PISSED OFF!

When the duck comes in and says “You got any duck food?” the clerk yells at him “Listen, buddy! I’ve told you and told you. We Don’t Carry Any Duck Food!! The next time you come in here asking for duck food I’m going to nail your feet to the counter!” The duck waddles out.

The next day the duck walks in and jumps on the counter. “You got any ten-penny nails?”

The clerk says, “This is not a hardware store, stupid duck! It’s a feed store!!”

The duck says, “You got any duck food?”

140

Why wouldn’t a feed store have duck food?