“…and I remember thinking… the joke just wasn’t that funny.”
–
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (in a mournful Yiddish accent) “Don’t worry about it. I’ll just sit in the dark.”
One that never fails to amuse us here at Texas A&M:
Q: How many Aggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT WE’RE GONNA DO TO 'EM, AGS!
As you can tell, some of us are pretty economically amused 
Two flies are sitting an enormous elephant turd. One of them farts and the other says, “Hey, stop that…I’m trying to eat.”
Two flies are sitting on an enormous elephant turd. One of them farts and the other says, “Hey, stop that…I’m trying to eat.” :smack: shit
A crew of construction workers is building a tall skyscraper. An oriental man was recently hired to join the crew. After spending a few hours on his first day helping to move some I-beams, the supervisor calls him over and explains that the crew needs some more supplies and directs him toward the supply storage unit. Oddly, 30 minutes pass and the new employee sent to grab more supplies still hasn’t returned. So, the supervisor heads toward the supply storage unit. Suddenly, the new worker appears from behind the storage unit and screams out…SUPPLIES!!!
How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One. And there is nothing funny or unusual about that
or the alternate and less offensive answer Two: one changes the bulb and the other one can suck my dick
in the interest of not targeting any particular ethnicity or nationality…
A large cruise ship mysteriously capsizes in the middle of the Pacific Ocean during a storm far away from civilization. Some of the travelers and crewmembers on board were able to survive by swimming to a nearby small and deserted island. The survivors included two French men and one French woman, two Greek men and one Greek woman, two Italian men and one Italian woman, two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman, two English men and one English woman, two Irish men and one Irish woman, two Chinese men and one Chinese woman, two Japanese men and one Japanese woman, two American men and one American woman, and finally two German men and one German woman
After one month:
The two French men and French woman were happily living together in a menage-a-trois.
The two Greek men were sleeping with each other while the woman worked as their slave doing all the cooking and cleaning
One of the Italian men killed the other Italian man so he would have the Italian woman to himself.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the ocean and looked back at the Bulgarian woman; they decided to start swimming.
Each of the two English men was still waiting to be formally introduced to the English woman.
The two Chinese men started several businesses together including a restaurant, a pizza stand, a laudromat, and a couple trinket shops. Both men had been busy to get the Chinese woman pregnant so she’d begin to give birth to new future employees as fast as possible.
The Japanese men were trying to figure out a way to send a fax or email to Japan in order to get help and intructions.
The two German men had devised a strict schedule in order to alternate visits with the German woman.
The two American men were contemplating suicide because the
American woman kept bitching about her body, the true nature of what feminism is, how she can do everything that they can do, how chores should be equally divided, how the skinny palm trees make her look fat, how the sand makes her hair look like shit, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her so much better, and how her relationship with her mother was improving until the criuse ship sank.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and each set up his own coconut whiskey distillery. The Irish woman was unhappy because the two men were perpetually drunk, but the Irish men were happy as long as the English were not.
Um, what? Is this funny?
Yes, because the baker has been working her guts out long after closing time because she thinks the man wants an anniversary cake in a hurry as he has forgotten to get it until the last minute and his wife will be upset - and she goes to extra trouble to make it absolutely perfect. Whereas, after she has done all the do-overs, it turns out that he just wants a cake to eat, and he’s obviously a touch deranged about how it has to look…
Funny? I nearly did the keyboard thing!
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!”, he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer.
“You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”
“Oh my gaaaad…”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. “Where’s my Rolex!!!”
No soap, radio!
A magician gets a job on a cruise ship. The ship takes weekly cruises, and the magician does a show every day, so he’s prepared with seven days’ worth of material. The captain’s parrot loves magic acts, however, and attends every show. After the first week, the parrot starts shouting out the secrets to the tricks: “Rawk! He didn’t really saw the lady in half - she’s bending over!” “Rawk! Watch his left hand as he shakes his wand!” “Rawk! The four of spades is tucked into his sleeve!”
The magican is furious, but can’t really do anything about it, as it’s the captain’s parrot.
One night, a huge storm sinks the ship. At dawn, the storm has passed, and the magician finds himself shivering in the water, the sole human survivor, clutching a floating board. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the board. They glare at each other for a day, then two.
Finally the parrot says, “Rawk! I give up. What did you do with the boat?”
Nice, but see the next-to-last joke in post #78.
Why did the computer scientist starve to death?
He read the directions on his shampoo bottle: “Lather, rinse, repeat”.
The nurse says to the doctor, “There’s an invisible man in the waiting room.” The doctor replies, “Tell him I can’t see him right now.”
…
A blind man is on the sidewalk talking with his sighted friend. The blind man’s dog starts to pee on his leg. The blind man reaches down and starts to move his hand along the dog’s back. His friend says, “Why are you petting him? He just peed on your leg!” The blind man replies, “I know. I’m looking for his tail so I can kick his ass.”
…
Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. But don’t ask me how they got in there.
…
A man walks into a restaurant and orders a cheeseburger and fries. The ostrich next to him says, “Me too.” He finishes his food and asks the waitress for the total. She tells him $9.40. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out that exact amount. The waitress is suitably impressed. The next day the man and the ostrich return. The man orders steak and potatoes and so does the ostrich. When the man gets the bill, he again pulls the exact amount out of his pocket. the waitress asks him how he managed to do that. “Well,” said the man, “I found a bottle on the sidewalk and opened it. A genie came out of the bottle and promised me two wishes. The first thing I wished for was to always have the exact amount of money I needed to pay for anything, no matter how much it was.” The waitress says, “That’s really something. What’s with the ostrich?” The man replied, “I also wished for an exotic chick with long legs that would always agree with me.”
Or even those still single…
Irishman Neil Dunne leaves Cork to seek his fortune in America. He promises his mum he’ll write every week. No letter arrives. After two years, his mother asks an Irishman in New York to investigate. After 3 months search, he tracks him down to a bedsit in the Bronx. He goes along, shows the picture to the landlady and asks if she know where he is. “Try Malone’s”, she replies. Gets to the bar, the barman says he’s just gone to the toilet. Going in he finds no one there, but one stall occupied. “You Neillie Dunne?” he asks. “Yes, but I ran out of paper”, comes the reply. “That’s no excuse for not writing to your mother.”
Apologies for this one.
Jewish Paedophile: “Are you gonna eat all those sweets?”
Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was older and retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the third couple was young and newlywed.
The two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it had been no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The young newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped a can of paint.
“A can of paint?” asked the minister.
“Yes, a can of paint” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.” The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot anymore, either.”
Two Irishmen are sitting next to each other in the pub, when one strikes up a conversation.
Hey, friend, you from around here?
“No, I moved here, ways back, when I was still in school.”
“No kidding, Me Too! When you’d graduate?”
“1987”
“No Kidding, Me too! When did you move here, then?”
“Couple of years before that, 1983 I think.”
“No Kidding, Me too! What do you do for a living?”
About this time another fellow comes into the bar, orders a pint, and asks the Bartender how the night is going.
“Pretty Usual, the McLeary twins are drunk again.”
I don’t THINK this one has been posted yet… but I love it because I’m terrified of clowns:
Q. How do you stop a clown from smiling?
A. Hit it in the FACE with an AXE.