worst pick-up lines EVER

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Elsewhere on this board (and perhaps soon to be moved to the pit), in the thread “Does SIZE really matter?”, we are gifted with some excellent examples of delusional self-puffery intended to attract another’s attention. E.g.:

I thought this sort of thing existed only in cheesy beach movies, but I guess it ain’t so. So…what terrible pick-up lines have you heard, or God forbid, actually used yourself? If you were the recipient, how did you react? And if you tried a line on someone else, did it work?

2

I have a long pointy nose. Big deal, all my sibs have it too. It’s how we tell we’re related.
So this guy in a bar comes up to me and asks me if I’m a witch. He saw my schnozz and thought I was an earth-mother-sex-fiend type of witch. Kicked him smack in the kneecaps. I hate bars.

I’m not a fallen angel, I’m a risen demon.

3

“Hi, my name is Jeffrey Dahmer, and I would just LOVE to have you over for dinner sometime.”

4

I actually thought I had heard them all til I read little Mikey’s posts in the “Does Size Matter” thread. Where do guys come up with this shit and why on earth do they even think that will get them anywhere?

Geezzz! Even a crackwhore has standards!

I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature!

5

I am responsible for the following dreck:

While on the road with Stone Temple Pilots in Missouri, I was scouting the fresh meat in the crowd. When I saw a potential Ms. Right Now, this was my line…

“Hi! I’m not from Missouri, but I hear it’s ‘The Show Me’ state. So, go ahead…”

Needless to say, it was a very celibate evening.

Yer pal,
Satan

6

Okay, so I’m tall. It’s genetic, not voluntary. So the absolute worst pickup line was both sexually and personally insulting:
A yowlin’, prowlin’ stud muffin high on a testosterone cocktail of his own making slimes up to me and breathes, “I loooove tall women! They’re hell in bed.”

He, and the line, were so revolting I just gave him The Look, i.e. the same one you give the dessicated little corpses that fall out of roach motels.

Veb

7

Hey, that’s a nice outfit you’re wearing, honey. It’ll look even better later tonight … in a pile at the foot of my bed.

Or

The name’s Milo. Remember it now, you’ll be screaming it with delight later.

OK, those are fake ones, but an ultra-cheesy high school friend of mine actually once went up to a young lady and said.

“Excuse me, but were your parents thieves?”

(She of course says, ‘What? No, Why?’)

And he replies, “Then who stole the stars and put them in your eyes.”

Better get a bucket; I’m gonna throw up.

“You should tell the truth, expose the lies and live in the moment.” - Bill Hicks

8
      • Warning: I heard a song the other day by a group named the Bloodhound Gang, I don’t recall the name of the song. One part went “if I put your hands down my pants, would you feel nuts?”. The chorus of the song was something like-
        “Baby you and me aren’t nothin’ but mammals,
        so lets do it like they do on the Discovery channel”.
    • Pretty funny stuff, the first couple of times anyway. - MC
9

A friend of mine and I spent most Friday nights of one summer long ago sitting in the Stein Club here in Atlanta, sipping mixed drinks for the first few hours before switching to beer for the last few innings, smoking cigars and generally assuming an attitude of smug superiority regarding nearly everyone else who came in (both of us being off the market, but our girlfriends being out of town for the entire summer, we weren’t on the make, but had nothing better to do). The Stein Club may be the best place in Atlanta for people-watching, and in particular it draws far larger numbers of unaccompanied (by males at least) attractive women than one would ever suspect from a cursory review of the place. One night in particular we had arrived early as was our custom, so that we could lay claim to a prime table and hold it for the evening. Two young women occupied the table next to us who were not only quite attractive, but had a certain air about them that seemed to intrigue the majority of the men in the place (they claimed at one point in the conversation we had with them to be travelling around the country doing research for a book on American muscle cars from the 1960s). We watched a steady stream of men approach, try a variety of unimaginative lines, and retreat, all without success. Finally one guy approached, barefoot, to ask whether the ladies had seen his shoes. He maintained that he had and his friends had been sitting at the ladies’ table earlier (they hadn’t), and that he had removed his shoes, which were now missing. After a brief conversation, which the women found difficult to continue with anything resembling a straight face, he left, at which point the women turned to us and began a conversation about how lame his attempt had been. We indulged in a good deal of mirth at his expense, and continued the conversation well into the early morning hours.

(Just re-read this and believe that I may be liable to arrest for posting under the influence of Goldsmith – I’ve been listening to The Vicar of Wakefield on tape during my commute this week – but I have neither the energy for the redaction it richly deserves nor the humility to click on that “Clear Fields” button).

“Ain’t no man can avoid being born average, but there ain’t no man got to be common.” –Satchel Paige

10

“You have beautiful eyes. Wanna fuck?”
“Hey, nice dress, wanna fuck?”
“Hi. Wanna fuck?”
“Wanna fuck?”

etc.

I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail.

11

::Slaps thigh::

You only think this is my leg!

Eschew Obfuscation

12

Damn! Surgoshan stole all my best material.

I have heard some rough ones, though.
Such as:
What’s the best way to get into your pants?

How long have you been here?
{Random answer.}
That’s all? I’ve been waiting for you all my life!

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

I like every bone in your body especially mine.

Baby I’m like milk, I’ll do your body good.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!

If I had eleven roses and you, I’d have a dozen.

Know what would look good on you? Me.

When does your centerfold come out.

I’ve seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?

I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.

You have nice legs. What time do they open?

You’re like a championship bass, I don’t know if I should mount you or eat you.

Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.

And my personal favs:

I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.

and

So do ya wanna see something really swell?

how did it start? well i don’t know i just feel the craving. i see the flesh and it smells fresh and it’s just there for the taking…
VvvV
“Winners never quit and quitters never win, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.”

13

Slightly tangentially related: the following are the winners of the Washington Post’s Style Invitational contest, which asked readers to submit inept Valentine’s Day sentiments…

If we were cockroaches, I’d want to have all 456,938 of your children.

I’m attracted to what’s inside you, except of course the chewed food sitting in your digestive tract in various stages of decomposition.

Baby, one of these days I’m going to marry a woman a lot like you.

When assisted by highly supportive undergarments and, after factoring in the inevitable results of pregnancies combined with a genetic disposition toward excess weight in the hips and buttocks, for which you must be held blameless, you are still a strikingly lovely woman when compared with others in your age group.

When I look in your eyes, I see the depth of your love. The width I hope will become apparent later, resulting in many more cubic feet of love.

I love you as much as Captain Kirk loved the Joan Collins character in the episode titled “City on the Edge of Forever,” whom he had to let die in order to prevent her from slowing our entry into World War II and thereby allowing the Nazis to win the war.

Ooh, baby, if sex appeal were campaign funds, you’d be George W. Bush.

Your skin is as fair as Judge Wapner is fair.

My love for you will grow forever, the way a tumor continues to multiply in size indefinitely, or at least until it gets to be the size of a cantaloupe.

Your kisses are sweeter than wine, but without the paper bag.

I ache for your touch and want to make love to you as soon as the Redskins go up by two touchdowns.

You make me want to stalk you exclusively.

Seeing you gives me a lump in my throat, but it is a good lump, kind of like a Pez dispenser when you tilt its head back and it has this big thing sticking out of its throat, but instead of being really disgusting it’s really cool candy. And you’re like the candy, really cool, plus sometimes the dispensers are worth a lot of money.

Kiss it. (William J. Clinton, Washington)

You’ve got it all, babe – friction and viscosity.

My love for you runs hotter than a '74 Nova with a V-8 engine and a busted water pump.

You’re really somethin’, and that ain’t just the beer talking.

Size doesn’t really matter, honey. Obviously.

Your eyes are like limpid pools of blue Ty-D-Bol water.

You’re almost as sexy as the chicks in my computer games.

When I see you my heart almost skips a beat. It would skip a beat except as you know my pacemaker will not let it skip a beat.

I want to stay in bed with you forever, except of course to pee.

Your eyes sparkle like Coleman lanterns with newly installed mantles.

You know how you feel when “Federal Government – Closed” shows up on the list of snow closings on TV? That’s how you make me feel.

Darling, you make me as hot as those hand dryers in a turnpike restroom.

Your eyes are like two pools, after the pool guy cleans them.

Your skin is as smooth as Formica.

Oh, Stuart! Ride me like the horsies in front of the Kmart!

I’d love to put you through the agony of childbirth.

I love you for your mind. The mind is somewhere up above the jugs, right?

Your limp is like a pool of eyelids.

14

“Was your father retarded? Because you’re special”

“Are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day/night!”

“If we submit everything to reason, our religion will have no mysterious or supernatural element. If we offend the principles of reason, our religion will be absurd and ridiculous.” Blaise Pascal

15

That song’s called ‘The Bad Touch’. BHG’s stuff is absolutely hilarious, if you’re into real lowbrow humor.

–
TMR

‘A lap dance is always better when the stripper is crying.’

16

Bricker, you had me rolling on the floor with your list. Oh… excuse me, I mean:
Bricker, I was ROTFLOL!

A few of my favorites…
Do you know how much calcium a kiss has?
Enough to make a bone about thiiis big. (holding hands 6-9 inches apart, for maximum impact)

Baby, you get better looking every day, and today you look like tomorrow.

Baby, let me show you my love machine, all you gotta do is plug it in!

New and Improved
Enright3

17

BAAAA-HAAAAA-HAAAAA-HAAAA! Dang, that’s a good one.

18

I’m married too, we have something in common.

19

My $0.02:

Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

Hey Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I’ll do it your way.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

I can’t find my puppy; can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.

Your pants must be mirrors because I can see myself in them.

If you’re feeling run down you can always wind up on my lap.

He said…Have I shown you my magic watch ?
She said…No, what does it do ?
He said…It’s telling me you are not wearing any underwear.
She said…Well your watch is wrong because I am wearing underwear.
He said…It must be an hour fast.

Since you’ve lost your virginity, do you mind letting me have the box it came in?

A guy comes up to a woman in a bar, splashed a teensy bit of water on her and himself, and says, “Oh let’s get out of these wet things.”

“Nice shoes. Wanna fuck ?”

“So… do you cheat?”

“Did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven?”

Hi! Wanna shower together?

Do you sleep on your stomach? No? Can I?

“Do you want to go back to my place, order a pizza, and fuck?” [obvious response is NO] “What’s the matter, you don’t like pizza?”

“Do you like apples?” [regardless of the answer:] “Well, we’re gonna go back to your place and screw, how do you like THEM apples?”

[Now, for this one the guy has to stand at a crowded bar and wait until a girl forces her way up next to him]“OW! You just stepped on my dick!”

“Pardon me, Miss, Do you speak with strangers?”

I’ve got the F, the C, and the K, now all I need is U.

If I were in charge of the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

I forgot my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

Do you wash your pants in Windex? 'Cause I can sure see myself in them.

“That shirt is very becoming on you. Of course, if I was on you, I’d be coming too.”

You have the whitest teeth I ever came across!

Hey Baby, Is them space pants you’re wearing?..'Cuz your ass is outta this world!

Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? [Answers no.] In that case, would you like to go upstairs and talk?

“If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?”

I like that dress you’re wearing, it would look great at the foot of my bed.

You get better looking everyday, and today you look like tomorrow.

You’re the rosebud in the thornbush of my life.

I’ll bet I can make you cum.

Hi, my name’s Girth.

I’m surprised you haven’t been arrested yet, because you just stole my heart.

“Would you like to have breakfast? I could call you or nudge you.”

I’d like to shag your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Guy: “Would you like to dance?”
Girl: “I wouldn’t dance with you.”
Guy: “I’m sorry, you must have misheard me. I said you look fat in that skirt.”

If your left leg was Christmas and your right leg Easter, can I visit you between the Holidays?

Hi, I’m a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

I seem to have lost my bed. Can I use yours?

Hi my name is __________, remember it, cause you’ll be screaming it all night long.

(To be used to the uglier of two girls):
Guy: “Do you want to dance?”
Ugly: “Yes I do.”
Guy: “Go on then, off you go, I want to talk to your mate.”

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Hi, you may know me by online handle - Phaedrus

Voted Rookie of the Year in MPSIMs and the Pit, along with Best One-liners.
And I don’t plan on keeping this as my sig for long, just until the winning buzz wears off.