Worth a shot? Futile? Just plain creepy?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve never been a social person - very few good friends, far fewer dates. This has been largely of my own doing - I’m not comfortable with people I don’t know well. I’m also more-than-a-little lacking in the self-esteem department.

That being said - a couple of months ago, I bought 2 tickets to a concert. My all-time favorite group was performing - they rarely tour, and I’d missed their last concert. I’ve been a fan for 11 years, never been to one of their concerts.

I bought two tickets with intention of giving one to somebody, going with that person, and having a good time. The problem was, I don’t know anybody who is really into this group. Some friends can tolerate them, but those aren’t the people you ask to concerts, are they?

So I asked a girl from work. Here was my reasoning: she seems like a nice person, she seems like the type to like my favorite group, I wouldn’t mind getting to know her. Honestly, I didn’t know her from Eve. Also, she isn’t in a relationship to my knowledge.

She said ‘yes,’ and sounded positively delighted. I was similarly pleased with the arrangement.

I’d rather not go to a concert with a stranger, so I tried to set up something else to do with her first - just so I could get to know her better. It didn’t work out - by all accounts, she’s a busy person. Which is understandable.

Trouble is, I’m beginning to become infatuated with her. She makes me nervous. Shyness and intense nervousness: sucks.

The evening of the concert, I’m a nervous wreck. I commit a breach of ettiquette. Nothing major, I own up to it, it doesn’t seem like a big deal.

She was very friendly throughout the evening - flirtatious, even. I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck. I didn’t show any interest in her, and didn’t encourage her to show interest in me.

I felt horrible when I got home.

The concert was about a month ago. I’ve asked her to dinner a couple of times since, but she said she’s busy and she’ll “let me know.” Now, unless I can’t read between the lines, that means, “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.” I’ve only talked to her 3 or 4 times since the concert.

I still feel horrible. So, my reptillian-sized brain hatches a plot. I’ll be out of the office on Friday, for unrelated reasons. I’ll write down my concerns on a thank-you card or something and get it delivered to her with a white carnation that afternoon.

So. Is it worth the hassle? A waste of time? An intrusion of privacy?

If it’s not a bad idea, should I ask to see her again? Should I write that I won’t be hassling her again? I’m painfully aware that this doesn’t have any of the characteristics of A Healthy Relationship[sup]tm[/sup], but I want another chance almost as much as I would like to apologize.

sigh. I feel like such an ass.

2

Your not an ass. But I would moit the white carnation, and utilize your witty personal self. Honesty is a religion, no, seriously it is. Those who are good at it, show it, those who aren’t hide behind it. You on the other hand want to be honest but lack the stand up and shout aspect.

So I would talk to her personally, be brutally honest and see if her reaction fits what you think her personality dictates. If there is some part of you that picks up on her not wanting to have anything to do with you, take your gut reaction and behave accordingly. I know you are shy, as you say, but walking out on this limb may prove to be a healthy, even, worth-while risk.

And it never hurts to start a conversation with, "You know <<her name>>, I have to be HONEST with you about something, I just wanted you to know that the night we went to the concert I was - hwo should I put this - very nervous, but I want you to know, I’m not usually like that.

That way you are being sincere, honest, and slightly flirtatious by letting her know she has something that you like…

3

OOPS - Gotta be honest with ya. In that second sentence that should read… but I would OMIT the white carnation…:wink:

4

You know, I’m a lot like this. Very nervous, even aloof with new people. Some people correctly interpret this as shyness and it doesn’t bother them. Others think I’m some kind of snob. I don’t talk much and have trouble looking them in the eyes when I do, so I must think I’m better than them. Of course, this is usually the polar opposite of how I really feel, so it can get frustrating.

Maybe this girl was just getting the wrong signals and doesn’t know what to make of your follow-up calls. I would second Philopshr’s recommendation to talk to her in person. I know more than anybody how hard that’s going to be, but you have to suck it up and try.

Perhaps you could take something to loosen you up before you talk to her. Alcohol is too obvious and doesn’t always work (IME). Illegal drugs are probably out of the question, too. If nothing is wrong with your heart, you may want to try ephedrine (found in products like Mini Thins and sold at some gas stations). It will speed you up and make you more talkative. Or at least it should. It helped me out tremendously when I went to a doctor to talk about depression.

Oh, and what band did you go see? Their name was conspicuously absent from the OP and it left me trying to guess. :slight_smile:

5

You’re being a bit too evasive with the details, so it’s hard to grasp what exactly happened. What did you do that was the “breach of etiquette”?

I’m sorry to say, but I think you’re interpreting her correctly that she’s turning you down nicely. Definitely do not send the carnation, and I’d recommend scuttling the note too. Go ahead and write it, then let it sit in your desk for a week and see if it’s how you still feel after some more thought. It’ll be good for you to get your thoughts on paper, and probably you’ll realize you shouldn’t send it. She sounds like a friendly person, but you risk weirding her out with too much persistence.

If you do want to be open with her about this, what I’d suggest instead is to just mention in passing that you (for whatever reason) you’ve had one of that band’s songs in your head all day, and it reminded you what a fun time you had at the concert – and that you didn’t realize til afterward how nervous you were behaving. Don’t press her on the issue, don’t tell her about the infatuation, and keep it lighthearted.

(what band was this anyways that’s so polarizing? Styx? Backstreet Boys? The Monkees?)

6

What’d you do, grab her boob or something?

Sorry, but I’m really, really curious.

7

Less talk, more boobs! Details, man!

8

Aw Padabe , I’m sorry you’re going through this. Life can be so damn difficult sometimes. Especially when you’re shy…I think what peepthis said is a good approach. Keep it offhanded and light. I wouldn’t do the flower and note thing. From my female point of view I can see that would making her feel a bit uncomfortable…I think a casual tactic is best. It would take the pressure off of her - and also allow you to be honest with her, or rather, have a chance to explain your previous actions.

Good luck! You sound like such a nice, intelligent guy.:wink:

9

Um, meant to say, “From my female point of view I can see that making her feel a bit uncomfortable.” Whoops:smack:

10

Another female coming in to vote for Peepthis. Low key, nice, no pressure, and yet there’s an opportunity for you to say what you want to say.

11

…I had the feeling.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. I’ll give it a week, and then, if the opportunity presents itself, I’ll talk to her.

neutron star, that’s exactly how it is with me. The last time I talked to her, I don’t even remember whether I smiled at her. Christ.

peepthis, forget the ‘breach of etiquette’ stuff, I shouldn’t have brought it up. It’s too long, convoluted and personal. I’m sorry. I can assure you that it did not involve boobies, though. I don’t even think it was that big of a deal. :cool:

The group we went to see was Erasure. I had to miss their '97 tour - wish they toured more often.

Thanks again, guys, for steering me in the right direction.

12

I love Erasure!!!

Stupid girl. You shoulda grabbed her boob.

13

Are you nuts? I take it you were thinking of writing down your feelings for this girl and giving it to her on a note? Like - “You make me feel so special, I am truly infatuated with your shiny ass” or something. Well, go ahead and shoot yourself in the foot if you please. The flower would only ensure you embedded a larger slug.

14

I kind of like the new verb: MOIT.

It conjures up a feeling of innocent smarminess. Of boobie grabbing honesty.

“I moit you.”

“Oh my god, take me!”

“Ask not, what your country can moit for you. But what you can moit for your country.”

“You know how to whistle, don’t you? Just put your lips together and moit.”

“I want to moit you like an animal.”

15

Hehe…I actually thought, “Is moit a word?? I’d better go look that up!” Hmm, innocent smarminess…I like that!:wink:

As for Erasure…Wow. Who knew they were still together?? I used to love them!

16

Well, after finding out the show you went to, there’s only one logical question … Did they play “Miracle”? That song rocks.