Would I be crossing the line??

In My Humble Opinion
1

Your opinions are VERY welcome and needed!!!

Here’s the situation…

I am 28yrs old, and was recently introduced to a friends new boyfriend. She is 21 and her bf is 35…with a 9 year old child. To her, the relationship is good…fun…her first real relationship she has ever really had, although the age thing really bothers her, and it kinda bugs her that she is closer in age her to her boyfriends daughter than she is to him.

So…as I said…i meet the boyfriend. Nice, sweet caring guy…who apparently, according to my friend. finds me to be nice, sweet, and attractive. In getting to know said bf, i am becoming more attracted to him. Now, in general, I can be a flirty person, so yes, there was some harmless flirting going on between him and I, but with my friend always present.

We are out one night for my birthday…having a good time, drinking, flirting…chemistry brewing between the boyfriend and myself…but me, being the flirty girl that i am, not thinking much about it…and the boyfriend looks at me and says ‘should’a met you first’ followed by a wink! (Me, sitting there…still thinking nothing of it). My friend had been drinking ALOT. It is a known thing that when she drinks, she tends to say how she really feels and finally has the courage to tell people what she really thinks. So, she follows me to the bathroom and proceeds to tell me that I should get together with her boyfriend and she could play the match maker. I respond by asking her how she could even say or think something like that, and she replies by telling me all the wonderful things her bf has said about me.

So…I back off! No more flirting, as I DO NOT want it to be taken the wrong way. Afterall…he is my friends boyfriend!!! The boyfriend notices that I am now acting differently and wants to know why…I say nothing. My friend tells me to stop it, as she was ‘just kidding’…which i KNOW to be a lie…she is brutally honest when drinking!

But then…i was left thinking…and thinking some more…and realizing that I DO actually have feelings for this guy!

Im backing off from the 3 of us hanging out, as I dont want my feelings getting stronger, but i dont want him to think that I am backing off for ‘negative’ reasons about him…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh…ok …that felt good…

WHAT DO I DO??? Could I / should I ever consider the possibility of dating a guy who dated a friend?? Is that Just Wrong???

I need a drink!

~raini~
:smack: :smack:

2

Are you a lot older than your friend? If not why don’t you both go out and find bfs that are more your age and aren’t carrying extra luggage? You said it bothers her, so I’m not bringing up something new.

3

She is 21…I am 28…which puts my much closer in age to the bf than she is. Yes the age difference bothers her, but it doesn’t bother me. Nor does it bother me that he has a child.

I don’t really mind his ‘baggage’. Like I said, I have feelings for the guy. I see her breaking his heart, not him breaking hers, which in turn, breaks mine!!
I could see him and I being something more than what she wants with him.

4

My suggestion would be to sit down with your friend sometime when you are both sober. Talk to her about this, and what she said while drunk. Ask if she would actually do such a thing.

5

I wouldn’t go near the boyfriend if they’re still together. I had a friend of mine have an affair with my boyfriend. Wasn’t fun, and it killed the friendship on both sides.

If she says she wants to break up, or does, or he does, THEN he’s fair game. but you need to talk to her. he isn’t fair game right now.

all IMHO of course. but trust me, it hurts to have this happen. And you’d be guilty if you were the reason they broke up – let her/him decide.

But if he’s flirting with you…um…do you really want a guy who flirts when he’s with someone? he’ll turn around and backstab YOU (which is exactly what my ex did to her.)

/Shadez

6

You’re playing with fire. What a tough spot to be in. My experience tells me that even if she says “go for him,” she’ll secretly be eating her heart out, and there will be a strain on relationships all the way around. IF and WHEN they break up, give it plenty of time for feelings on either side to cool off. After a period of time (that would depend on the seriousness of the relationship between the guy and your friend), you might start dating this guy. I think the litmus test would be whether you’d feel comfortable going out to dinner with your friend with the guy as your date. Regardless, know that giving a relationship with him a shot may mean losing a friendship. If it’s worth that, then it’s worth a try.

Good luck!

7

My first impulse is to say ‘go for it’.
I don’t know why. Just a feeling. Obviously, the circumstances are not ideal, but when are they ever? Your friend may be a little hurt by this, but from what you have written, her heart is not in it.

8

This guy sounds like bad news. No doubt he seems “nice, sweet and caring”, but he sounds like the kind of guy that gives women the reputation of preferring jerks. What kind of guy says he wishes he’d met you first while he’s out on a date with your friend? How are you going to feel when you’re his date and he flirts with other women? If he and your friend care as little about each other as you’d like to think, why are they still seeing each other? If he’s so hot for you, why is he still going out with her? I think the guy is a manipulator who’s willing to bust up a friendship just to give his ego a boost.

9

Maybe the two of them, the bf and the gf are trying to introduce a third party into their love life. Perhaps your friend is interested in you sexually and the bf too. Just a thought.

10

Why did you flirt with your friend’s boyfriend in the first place? Seems like bad form. Can’t be fun for your friend to watch – especially when he “flirts back”.

Sorry to be critical. Just wondering.

11

Actually…my flirting is more of an “everyday flirting friendly” thing…not a “let me sit on your lap and kiss your cheek and pinch your butt” kind of flirting…so I guess is being a friendly flirt is a crime…charge me!

12

IMHO, you should sit down with your friend (sober) and discuss.

I met my friend’s girlfriend, and he wanted to break up with her. He thought that she and I would get along well, so he encouraged me to call her. In the end, she and I have been married for 31 years.

So, it is possible that they both recognize their relationship is not going anywhere, and it’s in the slow breakup process. It’s also possible, as Ianif surmises, that he’s just a jerk. I don’t think we – or you – know enough to make a judgement at this point. Depends on how honest he has been with your girlfriend about the situation.

So, have a heart to heart with your girlfriend.

13

Run like hell and cut your losses.

14

Did the bf say he “should’ve met you first”, while she was there?
If so, both of you should stay away from him because he’s an Ass.

15

:smiley: [sup]Two thumbs up for this![/sup]

16

She was not there when he made the comment to me…and it was more of ‘if only i had met you first’…

Hmm…not that that makes it sound any better!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

17

Hmm, if not for that comment, I would say go for it once your friend has broken up with him. That comment makes me think that he’s a cheater-pants. Some things you just think, not say.

18

ya…but typing it here doesn’t do justice to the way it was said…or maybe i am just convincing myself that he said it a respectable way!!!

19

Keep away from him, if you value your friendship. And even if/when your friend breaks up with him, don’t expect to have both a friendship with her and a relationship with him.

This might be one of those cases where going out with a friend’s ex doesn’t cause any friction, but you might as well assume the worst - because if you start seeing this guy you should be aware that you could lose a friend over it.

20

I’d have to chime in with those who say he’s bad news. He’s flirting with his girlfriend’s friend. He said he wished he met you first. Already he’s being an ass to your friend. Not only does that make him more likely to be an ass to you, but you will be in a position of, not really encouraging, but tacitly approving of behaviour on his part that hurts your friend.

Secondly, my own past experience. Almost a year after I broke it off with my ex-fiance, one of my best friends started dating him. I was fine with it. I had moved on. I was having a baby with my new guy, and I was happy for her. Then she married my ex and decided that I was no longer allowed to talk about anything my ex did that hurt me – not to her, not to my other friends, not in my journal. Any mention of his (abusive) behaviour was whining, and anyway, the whole thing was my fault to begin with. I kid you not.

My point is, a friend dating a friend’s ex is a very complicated situation. No matter which side of it you are on, you can never be sure that the other person isn’t going to wig out on you. Don’t do it unless this guy is worth losing your friend. And from the sound of it, he isn’t.