Almost all the “Jesus only wants us to have sex if we’re married” people either get married young so they can finally have sex, or sex is just not that important to them. If you’re 40 years old and are saving yourself for marriage then the odds are very very good that you fall into the second category.
Yes, people change their religious convictions. People get over their crippling social problems. But they don’t get over those things on a Saturday. So instead of crippling social problems they now have manageable social problems that only spike to crippling occasionally.
I’m not trying to slam someone for their social disorders. I’ve got my own problems. But a relationship where I’m “the outgoing one” is never going to work. If I was the outgoing one then we’d never leave the house. Every good friend I have is more outgoing than I am, often much more outgoing, and that’s not a random coincidence.
With respect, I think that luck has very little to do with it. It’s mostly down to propinquity, practice and patience; going where the people are, and learning how to get on with them. Then, just sometimes, you get on with one of them them so well that you both decide you’d like to go to bed together, and on an occasion or two you hit it off with someone so well that you’d like to make a go of it together.
I don’t really think there are a discrete set of skills marked “getting laid” so much as “how to forge human relationships”, and mostly that comes down to observation, practice, and making a fool of yourself a good few times. And there will always be practical barriers to getting out there with people and hopefully bringing the occasional one home, but if meeting someone important to you then you have to to arrange your circumstances as best you can.
It’s easy to think that everybody else in the world finds it effortless to be social and you are the only awkward stammering idiot, but I think a lot of people struggle; the trick is practice, accepting that you will make blunders, and learning that those aren’t fatal. I shudder to think of how utterly gauche I was in my late teens and early 20s, but I got better with practice. Most people do.
I think the comment earlier about non-sex reasons is pretty spot on, at least with regards to myself. I am not fun to be around: I have no sense of comic timing so cannot make people laugh. And I completely missed out on the learning years: up until my very late twenties, I was a sneezing, sniffling wreck. My sneezes can still bring a whole factory floor to a standstill. What woman would have any interest in such a man?
& I respect that…a lot.
It takes effort to be a religious person. Do you say grace before/after every meal? I don’t. Do you go to church/synagogue/mosque *every *weekend & holiday, I don’t. I want to sleep in, or go do something ‘fun’ instead.
That being said, I don’t expect a courtship to be measured in days or weeks but at least months & probably years. I’m not going to be in a romantic relationship with someone for that long & not have any romance. If that’s your position, we’re incompatible. No hard feelings, maybe keep in touch, good luck finding your mate in life.
I don’t know really, honestly. I would never allow myself to reach that age and be a virgin. I would prevent it, no matter what.
It depends on the reason, it varies by person. Many people will see someone being a virgin at that advanced age as someone who is socially isolated and has not taken risks to put themselves out there.
speaking for myself, it’s because I’m probably the least social person possible. I’m a textbook introvert, shy on top of that. I hate (hate) being in a large group of people I don’t know. That’s enough to push me towards a panic attack. When someone tries to be helpful by saying “you just need to go out and meet people,” they’re unaware they might as well be saying “you just need to go over there and punch those lions in the face.”
I spend most of my “social” energy at work, so when I get home I just want to unwind by myself.
The idea that it’s easy for all women to get laid is bullshit, though. The last guy I was interested didn’t feel the same way. Women get rejected too, and it hurts just as much as when men do.
(And in the case of the last guy I dated – it was like kissing a St. Bernard. I swear, one time he was practically up my nose)
FTR, I’m not not knocking people for saying they wouldn’t date a virgin – that’s their decision and I couldn’t give less of a shit. What I AM arguing about is the idea that people who are virgins later in life (I’m in my thirties), that they must be defective, that they’re messed up, are religious freaks, etc.
Being able to make people laugh is no guarantee of success. I’ve always been good at waiting for the perfect time to say something funny. I’ve also been able to perform in front of crowds singing and playing guitar since I was a teenager (although being in a happy marriage may have taken a little of the edge off my voice). I can speak to an audience with no problem, but one to one can still be difficult. I was a wreck until my very late twenties as well.
My take is that, when it comes to forming relationships, fear of rejection is deadly. I was fortunate to meet the right person at the right time. If I had to go through searching for a mate, or even a date, again I’d probably have the same problems again. And when I talk about fear of rejection, I don’t mean the kind most people have. I mean the paralyzing kind. It’s not very attractive. It can make someone run away fast from a nice looking, otherwise pleasant person.
They would have to have a very very convincing reason for it. Religion? deal breaker, lack of interest? deal breaker, psychological issues? most likely a deal breaker. In fact i really can’t think of a reason that would make me think they were dateable, but i am opening to listening.
If you let religion keep you from getting laid until you’re 40, your sex drive probably isn’t actually that high.
I’m not going to say they’re “defective.” I don’t consider a low sex drive and/or lack of sexual motivation defects. They’re part of the normal range of human sexuality. It’s okay for you to have a lower sex drive, and it’s okay for me not to want to date you because of that. Um, assuming we were of each others’ preferred genders, which we’re not, but you know what I mean.
What if there was no reason other than nothing ever working out with him and his past dates/women he was interested in, or in other words, he hadn’t met the right person yet?
‘I was a late bloomer, and then I was waiting for someone I really cared about because meaningless sex isn’t my thing, and then I was working so hard that I never really met anyone, and then it felt like the window had passed…’ : No problem. Like someone else said, life happens. I don’t like the idea that, if it happens differently for you than for most people, there must be something wrong with you.
‘I was raised in a cult that didn’t allow the guys to have sex because all the women belonged to Our Glorious Leader, and I only got out a couple of years ago’: I’d be wary. Not of the virginity itself, but of the baggage that the circumstances might have left him with.
‘I’ve been saving myself for Jodie Foster; I know I can convert her, just as soon as she starts answering my emails’: I’m out of there.
For those of you who are wondering, according to the CDC 1.2% of men aged 40-44 have never had any sexual contact with a female. So while it may be rare it certainly does happen.
That figure is widely considered to be high these days, at least as far as referring to men who identify as exclusively homosexual. Also, plenty of men who identify as such have had some sexual contact with women. Based purely on gay men I know, I’d say it’s well over half, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s most of them.
I assume the study is referring exclusively to heterosexual men. Even for heterosexual men though 1.2% is a fairly low number. Not that that is bad or anything, life happens, but it is unusual. I hope most women would give such a guy a chance.
