I don’t know about everybody else, but I am humble enough to know that I would not be a good mom.
Face it, as a parent, until your child is grown up enough to think for his or her self, you have power over that life.
And giving me power over someone else’s life…hmmmm…bad idea! :eek:
Well, I both dated, and then married, a single mom (divorced). Of course, we were a long-distance, internet couple, so a lot of the usual snags didn’t apply. Of course, we had a whole slew of new snags, but I don’t regret it at all. I had not actually planned on kids, but she was wonderful (still is), so I gave the kids a chance, and they turned out to be as great as she was.
Of course, they were very young at the time (3/6) so we didn’t run into the authority issues we might have. But I know that we had a very atypical experience.
I’m 37. I don’t have any kids, and I have most of my hair. Come to the Austin dopefest on the 12th and lets meet.
How humane it is depends on the parent. It seems like a lot of single moms are looking for a daddy for their kid first and a boyfriend/lover/fbuddy second, and many are (judging from comments from associates who have dated single moms) pretty damn subversive about it. I’m painting with a pretty broad brush here, of course, but all the same, I don’t want any part of that, and I don’t think it’s a good situation for the kid who is pressured to “build a relationship” with someone they may not really care for and who may only be around for a few months. As a kid, I didn’t need to be part of someone else’s “experiment”.
As far as knowing that you don’t want to have kids, I’ve got to same that I’m glad I’m not living in “America’s Heartland” anymore, surrounded by people with the attitude that if you aren’t married and knee-deep in diapers by the age of 25, you must be…strange. You know, gay…or worse. :eek: I don’t want kids, I don’t need kids, and I’d only fuck 'em up if I had them. I don’t have any experience with or guidance on being a good parent, but I make a fair faux uncle, as long as the exposure is limited. And no, that doesn’t make me a child molester or a homosexual[sup]*[/sup]. When I see parents who are manifestly unable to raise kids and don’t give two squats about them, I think that a lot more people need to second guess their decision to procreate.
Stranger
And before someone takes offense at an implied insult, there’s nothing wrong with being gay.
Word.
While I also don’t think solo parents shouldn’t date at all, it can’t be good for the child to have yet another man abandon them (if you break up) or taking all of mommy’s attention (if you stay together). Same goes for dads dating. You have to be a very mature, balanced person to make it work; to remember, even in the craziness of love and relationships, that you are a parent first and a lover second. I wouldn’t be able to do it.
The single parents I respect most are those who go on dates and get their jollies outside of the home, and only let a partner meet their child when the relationship has moved to a committment stage. Kids need stability. IMO and YMMV, of course.
You and me both! I love being the fun aunt.
Same here. I have dated single mothers, but never with good results. I am always open and up front about not wanting children. I have been told that “I’m not looking for a father for my children, they have a father, I am looking for a lover.”
Usually it starts out to be true. After a while there is the “Lets just stop and check on the kids.” “Chrissy is having a sleep over, I forgot to get donuts, lets just take them some.” Soon it progresses to: “I want you to come to the band competition this weekend. Please. It’s important to me.” Then its: “If you can’t accept me as a mother, you aren’t accepting all of me, and I can’t live this way.”
I understand. Really.
Except for, I had made it clear from the beginning that I did not want to be an “instant family, just add Khadaji.”
So now, if a woman has children, I won’t date her. It seriously limits the field, but it also limits the problems later.
Date? Yeah, maybe. But not seriously, I don’t think
I’m not even sure I want kids and I definitely know I don’t want anyone else’s at this point.
I’ve thought about it (if only to see Tapioca Dextrim’s $800 Gucci shoes). But I’m really not horribly vivacious or interesting in person tho’, particularly around people I don’t know, and get kinda socially anxious (someone on the internet with poor personal skills, what’re the odds?). Um, I’ll say maybe. (I reserve the right to be flakey 
)
I was prejudiced against dating single moms after a couple of bad experiences. Then I met one who convinced me to make an exception. We’ve been dating very seriously for several months, and right now I expect this relationship to go to the logical, fairy-tale conclusion. That includes me adopting her kid.
A couple of things that make this relationship different:
- Her ex is entirely out of the picture. His support checks show up on a regular basis, otherwise he’s out of the picture.
- The single moms I’d had experiences before used their kids as excuses for never going out and doing anything. Too hard to find a babysitter, no activities we would be interested in, etc etc. My current GF and I go out and have adventures all the time, and we bring her kid along. We have a blast!
- They both love the fact that I play in a band and don’t hassle me about it
- The kid, frankly, is terrific.
My conclusion: I’m awful happy to have found my GF. I know I can have more kids with her and continue to enjoy life. In the end, it’s just about being with the right person.
I’ve dated a couple of women who had kids. In every case, it was the kids who were fine, their moms were nuts. Certainly at my age, the odds of me finding a childless woman to date are pretty slim, so even if I were inclined to be picky over such an issue, the pool of potential dates would be microcosmically small.
I still think The Straight Dope should start some kind of relationship service for all of its single Dopers.
As for the OP, I would not date a single or solo parent. Well, if I were single again, I wouldn’t. I’m sure my husband would be happy to know that I’m not planning on dating. 
I’m 38 with no kids, and I wouldn’t date someone with kids simply because I’m not that interested in children. All the hassles with exes etc. are just additional reasons not to.
No. Hell no. Kids, wanting kids or having kids are all deal-breakers for me.
Maybe this belongs in a new thread, but why are you surprised? Did you experiment before having kids, even though you knew you wanted them? If we know we don’t want to be parents, why on earth would we experiment? What’s the point? There’s hundreds of things I know I don’t want to do (with varying intensities) and I feel no need to ‘experiment’ with them either. I’m too busy doing the things I know I want to do.
My experiences have been much like those of Tuckerfan. Nothing like bonding with some kids who have never known an adult male to help them with homework, build stuff, and just have fun with, and then Mom decides that it’s best she go back to the drug-user who was abusive to her, because it’s better for the family. :rolleyes:
Yes, I’d do it again-that doesn’t mean I’m the sharpest tool in the shed, either.
Some people know they don’t want to have kids without the benefit of experimentation.
I find this attitude condescending, as if I would change my mind if I really knew all the benefits. No thank you. I adore kids, and they adore me, and they are cute but I don’t want any. I’ve known that for ten years now, thank you.
snicke Not hot water, but he may *get * you into hot water. 
What do you propose single parents do-avoid dating forever?
Nobody is suggesting that. They just need to be honest with themselves and their potential partners about what they are really looking for- a lover or a family, and remember to put their child first.
If the other parent is still alive, no I absolutely would not. I adore kids by the way, can’t wait to adopt at least one of my own. My motives are purely selfish; if the other parent is still alive, they are the first priority after their child. I would come after them , and last would be my or our kids. No thanks, my kids will not be treated as afterthoughts. Nor should I have to accomodate someone I didn’t shtup or marry just because they can have a horrible effect on my life and I should fear it.
Needless to say that since I’m now almost 35, refusing to date single dads chops my dating pool down quite a bit if I want to only date guys my age or older.
Maybe. I dunno. I think the kids should really be A#1 priority in life.
I’m not trying to pass a moral judgement. I just get so tired of people with kids leaving them alone to go chase after sex or love or whatever…those kids need you more than anything. I know a **lot ** of you are just looking for someone to help raise these lovely kids and make a good other half. And this is not directed toward you. But there are so many that don’t have the kids’ interests at heart, you would think they were just saddled with them.
Let Gay Parents Adopt!