And in the case of your fiance being gay – would you want to know BEFORE you got married? If everyone knew and didn’t tell you?
This is standing out for me. If I were Brenda I’d ask Todd how far he’s willing to take this charade; when his bride starts spouting homophobia, will he nod and say “hell,yeah!”? Has he even met his future in-laws? What if some of them hold the same sentiments but have better gaydar?
Is the fiancee a stranger to Brenda?
Brenda is the step-mom of Todd and is therefore the fiancee’s Step-Mother-in-law-to-be.
Exactly. And the OP is asking if one would let a *stranger *unknowingly marry, etc., which seems to leave Brenda out of the question. The only person she’s a stranger to is the OP.
*Very *good point. Brenda should remind Todd that taking this action probably won’t end his career, but it’ll freeze it in place, with an end to promotions. The military tends to frown on that level of immorality.
Then again, since he’s even considering it, I guess the concept of “honor” has pretty much passed him by anyway.
A lot of gay guys marry women; a lot of gay guys in the military marry straight women. I am personal friends with a gay ex-military guy who was married for decades, and has a daughter. A lot of gay guys in the military do not come out until many, many years after their service has ended. A lot of gay guys, in general, come out after the children, if any, are adults. A lot of gay guys never come out. I’m not sure why everyone is so certain that yet another a gay guy marrying a straight woman will invariably end with him being ousted in a dramatic fashion three years later, while she’s pregnant with their first child as he’s deployed to Afghanistan, and everyone’s lives will be destroyed in the worst way imaginable.
Same.
If at all possible, I would tell the bride. If I thought that Todd was an overall nice guy who was just making a stupid mistake (I don’t) then I would give him a week to tell her first.
If I couldn’t get to the bride, then I’d try to find out where they were getting married and warn the officiant. He/She also has the right to know that he is about to be dragged into the perpetration of a fraudulent union.
I would also stop being friends with Brenda. Anyone who would stand by silently and allow this to happen is no friend of mine.
Mean Old Lady - I am just so surprised by your answers to this. I keep hoping I’m being whooshed.
Nope, I don’t involve myself in other people’s romantic relationships, unless someone is in imminent danger. “But he’s being dishonest about who he really is! If she knew, she’d likely reconsider!” Yeah, just like every other marriage in the universe. Sorry I don’t pass the Morality Test, but it is his responsibility to be honest with his wife, not mine.
I hope *this *is a whoosh. Geez.
I don’t know if the sleep deprivation is making me delirious with laughter, but I cracked the holy hell up at that. Good times.
It’s not at all like every other marriage in the universe. If that’s your view of what marriage normally is, that’s very sad.
The primary issue here is that he doesn’t actually care about this woman. Lots of cheaters can still honestly love their spouses. This isn’t about possibly screwing up a relationship a guy cares about, it’s about watching a guy completely use a woman he doesn’t give a shit about. She has a right to know that this guy doesn’t really love her or care about her, and that they won’t have a real marriage.
He didn’t say he doesn’t care about her. He just said that wasn’t the reason he was marrying her. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about her. He also said he plans to be faithful to her. Shit, their relationship may just last afte all. Unless the thought police arrest him for ‘gay feelings’.
Where does the OP claim that Todd says he cares about her? He outright admits he’s just using her as a beard. There’s no indication in there anywhere that he actually loves her or cares about her.
I didn’t say anything about cheating, so that’s neither here nor there.
Exaaaactly. And let’s even say that he doesn’t love or care about her at all, who the fuck are you to get all, “Waaaaaah, your husband doesn’t care about you! I must stop this marriage at once! I simply cannot allow someone I know… sort of… to get married to someone until I make certain she knows exactly what he thinks and feels!” Hilarious link once again, because it cracks me so consistently up.
No one has said anything about stopping the marriage, just letting a person know that someone else is lying to them. What they do with that information is up to them. Who the hell are you to tell me what information I’m allowed to give somebody else?
I dunno, I still say there’s a big difference between “doesn’t care about you” and “is going to be imagining that he is banging a dude every time he is attempting to make babies with you.”
So since Todd didn’t tell Brenda that he cares about his fiancee, then we can assume that he doesn’t? You do realize that people who care about eachother use one another all the time, right?
ETA: MsWhatsit, if we are getting into thought crime territory again, if we start getting concerned about who he fantasizes about when he’s having sex with his wife.
You are right, it could turn out just great. But doesn’t Abby have a right to get into this non-traditional relationship with her eyes open?
Now, I’m a stickler on this. I think we should require couples to undergo a disclosure process as part of entering a marriage contract. You tell someone “I declared bankruptcy, I have a kid from a previous relationship, I used to be a man, I’ve been through rehab but have been sober four years, I’m carrying $40k in credit card debt, and I’m not really a Navy Seal.” Hell, I wouldn’t be opposed to the disclosure including “I really don’t like giving blow jobs, I’m just pretending I do until you marry me.” So “I happen to prefer banging men to women, but I still care about you and want to marry you because I want a traditional marriage” would be on my list of things that should be disclosed.
Dangerosa, I agree. But it should come from Todd. Not Brenda. I know I’m repeating myself now, so I’ll bow out. I just want to be clear that I completely agree with you that Abby has a right to know. She should know everything she needs to know about her own relationship between her and the man she has judged worthy of her hand in marriage.