Because *this *gay guy knows *exactly *what he is and is intentionally, deliberately, and calculatingly using another human being to prop up his facade of lies, with neither her knowledge nor her consent.
Yeah, but her judgment is based on a big lie. I mean, what is this stuff about trusting Abby as a grown woman to use her own judgment? Her judgment can’t be trusted, because she is being given false information.
Since he’s admitted he’s marrying her for completely cynical reasons (reasons that the fiance is unaware of) the answer is yes.
But we know that he has no intention of telling her. So the question is, would you try to let her know?
I am just amazed that people see this so differently. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would not try to warn this woman. If her Father was my boss, and she was likely to disbelieve me and get me fired for saying such a thing about her HoneyBunchKins, I would still try to warn her. At least she’d have the idea in her head, and might be able to see the signs sooner than she otherwise would. (Maybe even before she got pregnant?)
In that case I might try to do it anonymously, but I’d still try.
It’s like the night when I was in my early twenties and went out on a date with a Congressman. A kind woman in the restroom let me know that he was married. She gave me the information I needed to opt out of “other woman” status and take my righteous behind back home. I am very very grateful to her.
And the other closeted gay men who marry straight women don’t know they’re gay? I’m not sure what you’re getting at here: That usually they don’t know they’re gay, or that they do know, and tell their spouses beforehand?
Anyway, nobody here is saying, “You know, I can’t think of a better idea than a gay man marrying a woman and not telling her he’s gay. That will almost certainly be a fantastic life for everyone involved!” I’m saying 1) Some of the ideas about how this must shake out are far-fetched, and 2) A lot of people marry others, with their judgment based on “false information.” I don’t make it my business to make sure everyone knows the truth before they get married. I encourage my loved ones to be honest in their relationships, but if they want to hide what they’ve done, or who they are, I don’t expose them to their significant others, it being my place to ensure everyone’s marriage is an informed decision. In relationships, sometimes people lie, and sometimes they’re big lies. But it’s good to know The Truth Police is out there.
You really don’t get it at all. Your analogies to hiding information about the past are completely off point.
I also said “or who they are.”
At lot of them are at least in denial or trying to be straight. Not that that’s much better, but it’s not the same thing as *knowing *and *acknowledging *that you’re gay and have no interest in this woman as anything but a fucking meatshield. Because if he really did care about her as a person, he wouldn’t be lying to her. You don’t take away choice from someone you love just because they might not make the choice you’d like.
I guess that’s where we differ, then. Because I think that when I know that an important relationship is fundamentally based on a giant fucking lie, I can’t in good conscience let that go. I’ll give the person the opportunity to do the right thing on their own, but I’m not going to let the other party walk into the trap without giving them all the information they *should *have. Because that’s what I’d want someone to do for me if our positions were reversed.
If they were already married with children, I guess I could see that it would best to keep one’s mouth shut. Although if I knew him to be cheating I would still tell her. If for all I knew he was faithful, I moght keep mum.
But she hasn’t made this committment yet, and isn’t (to our knowledge) pregnant, so yes. I do think we’d have a moral obligation to get that information to her.
And I’d like to reiterate that it’s not just that he’s gay here. It’s that he is purposefully using her, and his statement “for as long as he’s married to Abby he does not plan to cheat on her” seems to indicate he has no intention of upholding his vows past the point of his convenience.
You need to get off this “everyone” kick. It’s clouding your judgment. No one here is suggesting that it is anyone’s job to seek out all potential marriages and unearth The Truth. Some of us *are *suggesting that in this singular, particular situation it would be best for the bride if she knew that her husband is gay and is using her to further his military career before she proceeds with the marriage. Especially since it seems that she and her family are not at all gay friendly.
Even that’s not really the issue if the person really cares about the other person. What I think you’re missing is that this isn’t really a relationship issue at all. It’s about letting someone know they’re being scammed.
Okay, replace “everyone” with “the SO’s of people that I know.” Happy?
How is it not a relationship issue? Because it’s a “scam”?
Because it’s not a relationship. She’s being conned into believing she’s in a relationship that doesn’t actually exist.
OK, Let me ask the question another way. You’ve been married five years. You have two children, and you find out that your husband is gay, knew all along that he was, and married you only because he wanted a smokescreen/broodmare.
You further find that his StepMom, and a friend of hers, both of whom attended your wedding (and were there when the preacher asked "If anyone here present knows of any reason . . .) knew this all along, but decided it was ‘not their business’ to tell you.
You are telling me, that you would not be upset with these people, or feel that they had been in any way negligent in shrugging their shoulders, watching you plan that wedding, and eventually drinking that toast, and digging in to that slice of wedding cake? Seriously?!?
Now, I’m not saying their crime in any way approaches his, but I’d still be upset with them for not telling me.
That’s better, but still not on point. You are talking about people * investigating the relationships of their friends* in order to determine whether they are based on a lie or not, while the OP is positing a situation where the information is about a *stranger *and virtually drops into his lap. Those are really two quite different questions.
It’s an interesting situation, and probably quite rare. I really don’t see any way to generalize about it as if some sort of Rule of Common Behavior were in play.
If I found out my husband was a Friend of Dorothy, the absolute last thing that would be on my mind is who in his family should have told me. He should have told me. Seriously, I cannot imagine my spouse coming out to me, and thinking, “His mother should have told me.”
No, I’m not talking about people launching investigative reports to determine truthworthiness of the relationship. When did I say that? I’m talking about people knowing information about loved ones, and making it their duty to make sure [del]everyone[/del] the SO’s of the loved ones know as well. Yes, they are both different.
I also think that finding something out and telling them before they get married is a lot different than finding out after they are married. Before they get married, this is like a piece of information that they can use to decide if this is really a smart decision or not. Afterward, the horse is sort of out of the barn, there. I’m not saying that pre-marriage you should definitely always tell someone, and post-marriage you should definitely always not; I’m just saying that telling someone that their impending marriage is going to be a sham and based on a lie feels a lot different from telling someone that their current, existing marriage is a sham and based on a lie.
So do I.
I’m undecided on what I would do if I were Brenda and Todd told me to stuff it - in terms of telling Abby - I don’t know if I would or not. One thing for sure though is that if Todd followed through without telling Abby, he’d be out of my life. I don’t need people in my life who are willing to subject others to that level of deceit.
Well, of course Todd should tell her. Nobody here is arguing that. It’s in the OP ferchrissakes. But. he’s. not. going. to.
And nobody is talking about the OP’s loved one. We are talking about a young bride who is being scammed, and innocently walking into a horrible situation. We are also talking about a man walking in with full intent to bring children into the same horrible situation.
We have the power, with no more effort than a few breaths, to save this poor stranger and her future offspring from years of use and pain.
I’m surprised so many of you would betray your de facto son to a complete stranger.
On OkCupid one of the questions is “Would you lie in court to protect a SO?” When I read that I thought to myself “What?! There are people who wouldn’t?” Well, I guess I found 'em.
Last night I was hanging out with friends and I brought this thread up. They all seemed flabbergasted at the idea of betraying a loved one’s trust, too. I’ll say it again: I’m glad I don’t have friends or family like the people in this thread. I expect my loved ones to look out for me. Yes, even at the expense of a stranger.