Surfer goes 11 days without saying dude. Dies.
Teenage girl scoffs.
Area campers and Jason Voorhees to bury the hatchet.
Museum of African American History to display Black man who hasn’t seen Pootietang.
Applebee’s Trades Star Busboy To Olive Garden For Waitress, Sous-Chef To Be Named Later.
Kenny Rogers Bankrupted In High-Stakes Hold 'Em Game; Did Not Know When To Fold 'Em.
Thousands Of Whiskey, Rye Bottles Found Down By Levee; Police Suspect “Them Good 'Ol Boys.”
Optometrists struggling with design of spider eyeglasses
Corporation apologizes for “Bring your own Rapist” luncheon
Factory making baby Nike shoes employing fetuses
Anti-immigration group declares Mexican food a biohazard
Michael Jackson’s will stipulated he be buried in children’s cemetary
Bad hair day ruins first female president’s inauguration
KKK complains about too many colors in box of crayons
Hah! I can actually see this article.
"National spokesperson of the KKK claims “There’s not enough White crayons in the boxes. David Duke will be petitioning congress on our behalf.”
New Poll of San Fransiscans Finds Rice-a-roni “Not Such a Treat”
Video Games ‘Oboe Hero’, ‘String Quartet’ Not Selling Well
Study confirms “five” actually loneliest number
** One Legged man places 6th in Ass Kicking Contest **
Area skateboarder fails to land trick.
Cute, young, outgoing female employee despised by other female employees.
If you don’t mind, I think this can be tweaked a bit.
Largest S&M Club in the U.S. Protests Policy of Torture: leader says, “banana!”
Senate To Hold Confirmation Hearings on Obama’s Talking Cat Sidekick
Sports Illustrated Calls $18 Million A Year Athlete “Down To Earth”
First Grade Weirdo Rolls Out 2010 Booger-Eating Plans
Travelling Businessman Escorted
Simon Cowell announces plans to wear tight black shirt
Dalai Lama Restored to Power by Success of State College’s ‘Free Tibet’ Group’s Car Wash
James Dobson to Replace Cowell on American Idol
John Edwards to star in new Fox Reality Show: “Who Wants to Date a Soon to be Single Millionaire Sleaze?”
First All-Gay Military Division Formed as Experiment: Matthew Broderick to Play Their Straight Officer and Morgan Freeman to Narrate the Documentary
New Broadway Musical to Open that is not a Revival or a Movie Adaptation: Prospects Dire
Obama Sweeps Academy Award Nominations
Norman Fell’s Birthday To Become National Holiday
New Congressional Act Would Close ‘Drive Thru Abortion Clinics’
Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly Topple Over Niagara Falls Locked in Each Other’s Arms
Nancy Grace Admits to Abducting Rich White Girls to Boost Ratings
Anderson Cooper Comes Out as Deer Hunting Beer Swilling Deadbeat Baby Daddy of Seven Kids by Six Mamas; “I Raised a Snatch Crazed Bastard” says Gloria Vanderbilt
Editing to above:
“Three Missing Rich White Girls Found Shackled in Nancy Grace’s Basement”
"Obama’s Birth Certificate Found in Last Place We Looked; “Reveals he was born Larry T. Fischbein in Sardinia, Ohio”
Area Woman Discovers “Fascinating” Thing About Her Genealogy and Shares It With Everybody Who Will Listen; Direct Descendant of People Who Were Alive at the Same Time and in the Same Colony as Founding Fathers
Beethoven’s heirs in dispute over downloadable content.
Uniforms for new all white basketball association are redesigned after testicle appearance.
Brett Favre closing in on Sugar Ray Leonard’s all time retirement record.
People who need people aren’t so lucky, study says.
George Foreman Releases New “Crematoriffic” Remains Disposal Grill
Charles Augustus Lindbergh, Jr., 79, Found Hiding in Attic of Former Lindbergh Mansion: Claims “Daddy Said We Were Doing It For a Show”
Pat Robertson Claims Conan/Leno Scandal Was Caused by Potato Famine Irish Pact With Satan
Nancy Reagan Denies Affair With Flavor Flav is Staged; Claims “He Makes Me Feel Like a First Lady Again”
New Osama bin Laden Recording Features Four All New Songs By Cat Stevens
D.B. Cooper Found at Last in Polygamous Compound in Wyoming; Tells Authorities “Tag! You’re It!” and Runs Away Again
Amish Elders Allow Sect Members to Upgrade from Horse and Buggy to 1970s or Earlier Chevrolet Impalas
PFC Gomer Pyle Drummed Out of Army for Rumors of Marriage to Detective McMillan
Sarah Palin Announces Plans to Run for President in 2012 Election
Zsa-Zsa and Ludovic Top Baby Names List for 2010
Hannah Montana to Lose Virginity in 3-D Pay-Per View Special
New Tim Burton Film “Sanford and Son: A Reimagining” to Feature Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter as Animated Corpses of Fred and Aunt Esther
“Child Labor a Good Thing” Claims Professor Desperately Seeking Tenure and Notoriety
Holocaust Deniers Swear Schindler’s List Oscar Win Never Happened
Dead Sea Scrolls Were Originally Scratch’n’Sniff, New Study Reveals
All People Ordered to Report to the City of their Ancestors for 2010 Census
Retarded Nymphomaniac Still a Virgin
Screwdriver Used As Q-Tip
Seashell Salesman Sells More Away From Seashore
First Time GSN Viewer “Totally Waiting” For Chuck and Shandy to “Do It”
SQL Server Programmer INSERTS Dick, Finger INTO Doll AS Girlfriend
Twitter Essay Uses Giant Fonts, Margins
Tiger Woods Confuses Philanthropic, Philander
Thirteen Year Old Adds “69” To End of Halo Player Name
Giant Can of Beer No Match For Giant Stomach
Area Man Warns Government to Keep Its Hands Off His Welfare Check
That’s inspired by Craig Anthony Miller, the guy who confronted Arlen Spector opposing health care reform at a town meeting. Miller lives on public assistance, but you’d have thought he was a self-made millionaire from Libertaria by the outrage he spewed at the prospect of spending government funds on people other than him.
Area Man Becomes First Ever Not to Use Chrome’s Incognito Feature For Porn.
Area Liberal Fights Injustice, Calls George W. Bush a “Terrorist.”
Obama: Compromise With Race of Flesh Eating Robots is “Possible.”
New Study “Seems Right” According to Public’s Intuition.
Nice…but perhaps it would look better as:
Iran Claims Schindler’s List Oscar Win “A Hoax”