Nation mourns tragic death of only ice cream man
City planners fired over location of suicide prevention HQ on top floor of skyscraper
Therapy helps man discover repressed memories of sexual abuse, lost keys
8 die from hairspray fumes during guido workshop
White House demolished after Feng Shui expert predicts misfortune
Administrators celebrate most successful Compton school district PTA meeting after only 5 deaths
Prison’s Take your Daughter to Work Day marred by violence
(From a year or two ago when the NOAA caught some flak for warning some people that they faced certain death if they did not evacuate) I wanted to suggest the following Onion headline:
“NOAA: Certain Death Awaits Them All With Nasty Pointy Teeth”
But I forebore.
Lobster scientists work frantically to reverse ‘deliciousness’ curse before banquet
Migrating birds admit “We don’t know where the fuck we’re going”
Clints Eastwood, Howard team up for buddy comedy
Zombie apocalypse and robot uprising bring change to Nielsen viewing habits
Pro-wrestling fans actually fake, study finds
Bush Domestic Drinks Domestic Busch
Oreo Lick Races Continue Apace
Trix Rabbit Sedated
Bush tapped
NBC in Negotiations to Televise the Revolution
SETI Scientists Ordered to Evacuate Station Because “Those Extraterrestrial Radio Signals are Coming From Inside the House!”
DNA proves John Edwards is Father of 11th, 15th, and 17th Duggar Babies: “I never met him!” says baffled Mrs. Duggar
Mel Gibson Forgives Jews for Vietnam and Desert Storm
Researchers discover inverse correlation between taste of animal and viability as pets
Cubs fans dub Saints win a hoax
Alien invasion halted by puppy video
Pirate designers decry lack of parrots, hooks in latest trends
Sony debuts new, two-dimensional flatscreen TV
That’s so crazy it just might work.
Vanity Fair features cast of Jersey Shore on cover, asks Blacks if they’re happy now.
Disney closes ill-conceived “Diseases of the World” ride
Starving man still refuses to eat at Arby’s
3 sidekicks hospitalized with allergic reactions at annual meeting
World’s “Eugene’s” die mysteriously in mass suicide pact
Surviving “20th Hijacker” gets own reality TV show
Serial Killers irked that “Hollywood always makes us look like a bunch of nuts!”
Fox News to launch new White Power Hour- swear the name is not racist but just a pun of the host’s name (Henry Newton)
Jonestown site in Guyana to be Setting of New Reality Show
“I am not a god, I am flesh and blood like you” Sean Penn assures Haitians
Poll: Americans Evenly Divided Over Whether it is Too Soon to Go Back to Not Giving a Fuck About Haiti Again
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Archaeologists discover 1500 year old Byzantine road in Jerusalem; “Who knew that if you dig in Jerusalem you’ll find a bunch of ancient shit?” says world.
Hotel housekeeper can only speculate
(WI and IL dopers will get these)
DeKalb Woman “Knows Exactly What the Haitians are Going Through”
Midwest Seismologist Prepares for Moment in Spotlight: debates number and color of concentric circles to use on regional map
Area lab workers arguing about whose turn it was to replace seismograph ink
Archaeologists Mystified How Ancient Cultures Used All That Broken Crap
Alien fetus devising exit strategy
Google Earth car records own carjacking
Xerox salesman claims he gets “more ass than a photocopier”
Area joiner makes a fortune specializing in luxury closets
Top customers include Larry Craig, Ted Haggard
Reminds me of a David Letterman joke:
“Scientists opened a vacuum sealed coffin from the early 19th century this week to test the air in it. They found out the air in the 1840s smelled a lot like dead people.”
Shakespearean Scholars Baffled by Discovery of a Previously Unknown But Completely Authenticated 1603 Shakespeare Play- “It’s written on vellum in Renaissance era ink, yet it’s an episode of Three’s Company! Mr. Furley learns he’s Janet’s father and Jack has two dates on the same night!” says Ken Branagh. Rediscovered masterpiece entitled “Vortigern, or ‘The Saxon’s Bride’”.
Shhhh! Don’t give anyone any ideas for Og’s sake!
Scott Brown Promises Not To Filibuster Health Care Debate If President Obama Defeats Him In Three-Point Shooting Contest
Great thread idea!
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Congress Under Fire for Taxpayer-Funded Jowl Implants
Area Woman Knocked Up By Husband
Maryland Libertarian Party Concedes Public Snow Removal “Not Such a Bad Idea”
Area World of Warcraft Player Finally Works Up Courage to Masturbate to Real Women
Office Newsletter Detained in Inbox without Charges, Trial**
