Maligned Republican party hopes to reverse fortunes through November Congressman draft picks
“Dogs not colorblind”, scientists say, “just less racist than humans”
Nation’s pedophiles denounce Catholic Church for negative image of pedophiles “Imagine where we would be if people didn’t judge us by the actions of a few individuals”, one pedophile said
Tokyo citizens rampage through ant colony “It feels good to be on the other side for once”, said one Tokyo man kicking over an anthill
Apple announces work on new, unnamed, future robot overlord
Archbishop of Canterbury Condemns Ordination of Lesbian Anglican Priest: “Holy Christ, we still have an Archbishop of Canterbury?” ask Brits
Pope Benedict XVI Challenges Pat Robertson to ‘Winner Take All’ Gladiator Event for Each Other’s Followers
Gary Coleman’s Heartbroken Parents Ask That His Remains Be Stuffed and Displayed for $4 Per Person on County Fair Circuit Because 'It’s What He Would Have Wanted…'
New device will ship with once-stylish-but-now-outdated pastel coloured carrying case.
iZod logo, in a departure from normal Apple iconography, will be a small embroidered alligator, longtime Apple fans are perturbed by this development “It’s the Newton all over again” they are heard to cry.
Palin Announces Candidacy for 2011 Presidential Election “I can see voting thing-a-ma-bob from house,” says Palin.
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Pope Volunteers as Boy Scout Troop Leader** Encourages non-ordained Catholics to help the community, clean up church image
January: Jesus Arrested at School Shooting, 3 Biology Teachers Killed Authorities apprehend Jesus after 3 hour freeway chase
February: Texas Circuit Court Gives Jesus the Death Penalty Award ceremony from Board of Education will occur shortly beforehand
March: Resurrected Jesus Immediately Deported by Texas Border Patrol Will not face additional charges for trying to bribe ICE officers with wine
Point/Counterpoint: Religious Fanatic Who Doesn’t Believe in Evolution vs 2-year-old Who Doesn’t Believe in Pooping in Toilets
Statshot: Things more likely to happen than the Rams winning the Superbowl in '11
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Al and Tipper Gore Breakup Caused by Refusal to Wife-Swap with Clintons** “I…I just couldn’t do it,” says vomit-covered Al Gore
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Tennis Star Thanks God and Jesus for Career-Ending Injury to Opponent**
Democratic Gubernatorial Candidate Shot 547 Times in Yet Another Hunting Accident with Dick Cheney “What are the odds?” says Cheney
