Arizona Police Accost Rock Band: "Bus Said ‘Foreigner’ Right on the Side"
Area Teen Considers Starting a Band
“I think we could really have something here.”
Joneses Tired Of Being “Kept Up With.”
Local Man Thinks He Can Probably "Win a little money in vegas…"
Area Couple “Tries Something New” For Take-out
Opening Band “Pretty Good” Says Concert-Goer
"Yeah, they weren’t bad."
65% of ObamaCare Protesters on Medicaid, Medicare or Welfare
Signs read, “Keep government out of our lives!”
Glenn Beck Upset at Criticism
“My wife said my voice was too soft,” sobbed Beck
Fox News Meets with Tea Party for the First Time
“Who are these guys? When did this start?” says Shawn Hannity
D.C. Police Discover Bruised and Battered HealthCare Bill Dumped in Alley
Early reports indicate “Deliverance”-style assault
Dave Chappelle Quits in Middle of Teeth Cleaning, Goes to South Africa
“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” says comedian
Chuck Norris Receives Paper Cut at “Chuck Norris Jokes” Book Signing
“MOTHERFUCKA,” says Norris, who was treated at the scene
50.45% of Internet Now Comprised of LOLcats
CeilingCat unamused.
German Porn Industry Declares Unconditional Surrender to Japanese Porn Industry
“Air Blowjob just blew us away,” says spokesman, “How can you compete with that?”
Latest BP Oil Leak Plan: Ritual Sacrifice of Lady Gaga to Summon Poseidon. ‘Most realistic plan yet’ say experts. ‘Worth a shot’ say music fans.
Dream of Ditchdigging Job Eludes High School Dropout
**Acupuncturist pricks holes in rape conviction **
Three men who spent nearly a decade in prison on rape charges were freed after an acupuncturist determined that they were virgins.
No, wait. That was a real headline that could just as well be from the Onion. :smack:
Most Youtube users still not persuaded to Smell Their Own Breath, despite encouragement to do so
Film at 11 is actually videotape, study finds.
Man Tries to Add More Zen to Zen Garden
“Assholes sold me an empty bag,” says man
Area Ho’s Demand Union
Key issue: unfair “bottom bitch” promotion
Revolutionary New Laptop Comes With Desk
“The days of superheated testicles are over,” declares CEO
**Area Man Insists Alcohol Not Involved with Anus Injury
Oscar Meyer’s Weiner Comes in Aunt Jemimah**
CEO shocked at viral Internet video popularity, yet low sales
Obama Promises Daughter to Any Man Who Can Fix the Oil Spill; Blind Seer Worried that Words May Come Back to Haunt Him
Joran Van Der Sloot Arrested in Chile While Disguised as Good Twin Brother Boran Van Der Sloot
The Inventor of iFart Mystified by New Shrek Film
“I don’t get the jokes,” he says
Indians Finally Told What Condoms are For
“We were wondering why the Red Cross was handing out rubber socks one at a time,” says Indian
US Schools Overtake Spain and Latvia for Sole Possession of 24th Place in Math, Reading and Science Internationally
“What does ‘latvia’ mean?” says teen
Britney Spears Upskirt Photo Sells for $1 Million
Only known photo of Spears wearing underwear auctioned at Sotheby’s
George W. Bush Somehow Discovers the Cure for Cancer
“After eliminating dumb luck, accident, or theft, we think aliens gave it to him,” say baffled scientific community
Hawaii now 2nd Largest Producer of Cheap Crap that Says “Hawaii” on it
China still leads with 98% of market share
New Magazine Aimed at Illiterates in Bankruptcy after First Issue
“It seemed like such a good idea at the time,” says the editor-in-chief of the nameless magazine
Powdered Water Takes Stupid People by Storm
Just add filtered or bottled water and shake well
Bestiality, Porn, Booze, Anal Sex, and Tea Bagging No Longer Sins by Papal Decree
Abortion doesn’t make cut in latest move to increase Catholic membership
Dog-Eating Koreans Mocked by Horse-, Dolphin- and Whale-Eating Japanese
“Barbarians,” says Japanese man between bites of humpback sushi
Elizabeth II visits Canada
“We still have a queen?” startled Canadians ask
IPhone 4 to be technological savior
Church officials meet to discuss implications
Ignorance Fought
…refuses to admit defeat
nm
PETA Says Slang Term “Dust Bunny” is Hurtful and Racist
Group proposes “Dust Republican” as a better description for clumps of dust under furniture
Not enough Jesus, protesters say.
Teen Arrested for bringing Gunn to school.
Michael Gunn, age 15, was looking forward to starting his first day of high school, only to be arrested for bringing a “gunn” to school, in violation of the school’s zero-tolerance weapons policy. Said Principal Ima Dumphuch “School policy is to ban anything that is, might be, could be mistaken for, or is reminiscent of, a deadly weapon.”