Ted Cruz kicks off 2016 presidential campaign loss
Two-year-old obsessed with how she’s ‘so big,’ ruins dinner third night in a row
Queen’s daily schedule mostly consists of just lying back, thinking of England
Man survives failed execution, Iran will try again ‘once medical staff confirm his health condition is good enough.’
Biggie Smalls Too Fat to Have Corner Named For Him, Committee Member Says
Jealous Saudi husband divorces wife after seeing photo of her kissing horse
Fifty Shades of Grey Actor Quits Movie after Reading Fifty Shades of Grey
Ah, oops. It appears that all of those are real news headlines. My mistake.
Is there a version of Poe’s Law that covers Onion headlines and those of real life?
’Whore, June 2008-November 2010’ omitted from resume
Man unsuccessfully attempts to avoid eye with pantsless Joe Biden on Amtrak
Hipster un-ironically misuses 'ironically’
***Dead Soldier Surprises Daughter at Pep Rally
Old Man Remembers Where Everything Used to Never Be
Ultimate Fighting Pretty Much Like Fighting***
Abandoned by Republicans, Marco Rubio found in woods naked and living with family of wolves
**Area Dad Winning Monopoly Game Being a Total Prick About It
Two Hour Poetry Slam Contains No Poetry
Third Grade Scientists Report All Vegetables Cause Cancer
Brooklyn-Based Software Developer Releases New App “Angry Boids”**
And one I’ve used before:
Project’s Gantt Chart A Vile History Of Treachery and Lies
After the Texas A&M bonfire tragedy - “Stix Nix Hix”
Flo Rida to team up with Rusted Root to create a song to be used in all future advertising.
Republican Senators resign after government shutdown fails to accomplish anything.
“I’m so sorry…” one was quoted as saying. “I had no idea it would cost so much money…”
Toppled Boulder Files For Disability
Man Decides Against Moving to Area After Reading Local Newspaper
Browser History Tops Family Meeting Agenda
Edit:
I’m sure I’ve read that article! 
New hope for the dead
**Area Scientist Discovers Evidence of Water Spilled on Living Room Floor
Biden Discovered to Be Drunken Area Hobo in a Biden Suit Since 2011
Congressional Budget Super Committee Discovers They Do Not Actually Have Super Powers
**