Me? Is that you over there?
Are you a Ninja now?
My SO is an honorable fella. He cares about me, he loves me, he talks to me, he listens. He’s interested in who I am and lets me borrow his shoulder for crying. He wants me to feel good, he wants us to feel good. He allows me the time I need and doesn’t cheat or stray. He’s sexy and chivalrous. He is a great guy! He says, “I love you” with honesty and doesn’t shy away from love or our relationship in any way. He knows the pain I’ve been through and is trying to help me past it. He wants to live together and lets me take my time with it. He is truly amazing.
I know what love is…
I’ve been married to my nice guy for 21 1/2 years. I don’t know how he puts up with the bitch I can be, but I’m glad he does. 
I’m a card carrying nice guy. Been single long enough to prove it!
Arrrrrggggghhh, STOP IT!!!
(sighing banging head on desk smilie)
Alright CanvasShoes I admit that upon reading some of your posts your attitudes about “nice guy syndrome” seemed plausible in the least. And to be fair, I attribute at least half of my single status to myself.
However, I affirm that I’m a nice guy and I have multiple female friends who will confirm that.
As for the “nice guy syndrome”, consider this: As nice guys, we’re the ones our female friends often go to when they are having trouble with their boyfriends. And when the guy turns out to be a total jackass and you sit there listening to what she’s going through because of him, all the while knowing you would never do anything like that to her, it kinda sucks.
So even if it is wrong to be bitter, can you at least understand why “nice guys” might be bitter about being single when a lot of what they hear about is women being used and abused by jerks who don’t deserve their girlfriends? I think bitter is possibly too strong a word, but that’s where a lot of our complaints come from, at least in my experience with my fellow nice guys.
I guess our mistake is becoming romantically interested in our female friends, but is that so horrible a mistake?
Well, I’ve been with some nice guys and some not-so-nice guys. Many of them you can’t tell apart until you start to get attached, and once they’re not afraid of you leaving anymore the not-so-nice guys start to show their true colours. I’m not one to take abuse from anyone, but until you’ve been in that kind of relationship and understand how it can screw with your head, it’s easy to just be an outside observer and say “what a jackass, she should dump that guy.”
I’ve been with one not-so-nice guy who thought he was the biggest gentleman ever and practically God’s gift to women (or so it seemed.) His “niceness” meant hiding me from his ex girlfriend for seven months so not to hurt her feelings. The sad thing he, he had really convinced himself he was doing a Good Thing (he bitched about her constantly to me but would never be cruel to her face.)
Another “nice guy” I’ve known is my ex-coworker. He was sweet to me, always buying me lunch and telling me how pretty I was (he was having problems with his own marriage). After a couple months of sweet talking me didn’t get him anywhere, I suppose, this is what he turned into (warning, long diatribe): http://www.livejournal.com/users/jinwicked/40749.html He was one of those “chicks don’t like nice guys” assclowns. But he wasn’t nice – he did nice things with the intention of getting something in return. In reality he was the biggest asshole I have ever met and bullied me until I had to quit my job because his little nice-bribes had no effect on me.
Now I’m dating another nice guy who has made the claim in the past himself, lamenting his single status, that chicks don’t dig nice guys. He truly IS a nice guy, and I thought I was cute the first time I saw him. Problem is, we were at a party and even when I tried to get him to talk to me, he was so shy he would scarcely say a word. I had to go out of my way to get contact info for him, and ask him out myself, then eventually ASK him if it was OK to kiss him, because he just wouldn’t ever do it on his own. I’m sure lots of girls would’ve loved him, and I’ll admit some probably would shrug him off for how he looks, but you can’t blame niceness for the problems being shy or unapproachable get you. Every step of the relationship, I’ve always made the first move. Now, even if you ARE a nice guy, most girls just aren’t going to go to that much trouble to pursue someone.
Of course he’s also complained about his exes dumping him for assholes or his friends dating jerks. He’s also just turned 21. Age and maturity is a big factor. Most 19 year old girls are, I think it’s safe to say, not necessarily looking for a lifelong relationship. A big part of my failed relationships has just ultimately been me and my partner having different goals and needs at that point in life. If a girl’s just looking for a casual relationship and you’re exuding the desire to marry and have kids right away, yeah, that’s gonna send them running.
I’m sure there are some nice guys getting shot down by women, but to be honest, if you really are a good person and you’re getting turned down all the time then I think you need to try to find some patterns in either your own actions, or the kind of (wo)men you’re trying to date. I don’t think looks are necessarily a good indication of anything, because I see couples of all shapes and sizes walking around every day. In my opinion it’s all about your own attitudes and the kind of people you seek out.
Oh, this is so true! Any guy I’ve ever met who went on and on about how he was such a nice guy and woman kept throwing him over for abusive jerks-- turned out to be an abusive jerk in nice guy’s clothing. Finally, after my divorce, I decided it was better to be alone forever than date any more losers, abusive jerks, or abusive jerks pretending to be nice guys. About a month after that, I met a genuine nice guy-- he didn’t whine about how he was a horribly mistreated nice guy, he just treated me with respect. Despite not being the tallest or fittest guy in the world, he had several women after him. But once he met me, he wanted only to be with me. We’re having a baby in April, and we’ll be married two years (and together 3) next May.
Well I haven’t had jack shit kind of luck trying to date straight men, which is about as far as you could possibly narrow down the ‘type’ of men I’ve tried dating.
The only alternatives seem to be gay men, or dating women. Neither of which seems that good an idea, as I am female and straight.
I used to believe this. After the last five years, I don’t anymore. Been through way too much with my guy friends, especially the one who I have been interested in for the last five years who will tell me all about the chicks he dates who treat him like a doormat and him saying (and proving, on one occasion) that he’s attracted to me, that I’m a great chick, that some guy would be lucky to have me as a girlfriend, and him wishing he could find a girl ‘like me’, I finally asked him about possibilities for him and me. He just got this stupid look on his face and is now dating another one who treats him like a doormat and spends all his money.
There has to be a reason he’d rather have a bitch.
In my personal experience, people who stay in bad relationships often have self-esteem issues or a history of abuse, and may not feel they deserve any better than that. Myself included.
Completely unrelated, I would, in your situation, not stay friends with someone that said the things you described and that still showed no interest in me after I confessed interest in him (especially for five years). It sounds like he’s using you for an emotional dumping ground and validation while getting sex elsewhere. I’ve been the other girl in that situation – I was being used for sex and to boost his self esteem, while he had another girl he never slept with, but spent tons of time with her to fulfill his emotional needs. Just my opinion though, YMMV.
You know, I’m depressed after reading all of this.
My thoughts about changing who I am, and becoming the kind of person I’d normally avoid to fend off loneliness of my own.
Women here who can’t meet good men. Men here who can’t meet good women.
Nice guys want nice girls. Nice girls prefer jerks to nice guys.
Fat girls want nice guys. Nice guys prefer loneliness over fat girls. (Guilty as charged, I’m afraid.)
Short guys want short girls. Short girls prefer basketball players over short guys.
The disconnect between what women say they want in a mate, and what they seem to be attracted to.
“Nice guys” who aren’t.
I’m increasingly feeling hopeless about this thing, and I wonder how it is that people somehow manage to hook up. What makes otherwise good people unloveable?
I’m such an ass.
I’ll second everything elmwood said…except for the depressed and “I’m such an ass.” parts…
He’s a confident and attractive guy, and he doesn’t express any self esteem problems to me or any of our other friends.
He’s dating other women. That doesn’t mean he’s sleeping with them, as he’s not the type that just jumps right into bed with anyone. As for ‘using me’, it’s hardly a one-sided friendship. He’s been there for me during times when I’ve had serious problems, including through the whole lupus ordeal, which none of the others in the group knew anything about. He has been a good friend, which is not something I’m turning my back on. Friends who are there for you when the shit hits the fan are hard to find.
There’s a difference between being a little overweight and being obese. Yes, I carry around a few extra pounds. No, I am not severely fat. It’s kind of sad that guys, even ‘nice guys’, want a girlfriend whose bikini picture they can pass around to their friends, because they’re really missing out.
Or men, for that matter. ‘I want someone just like you, so I’m dating your polar opposite.’
Because they don’t meet someone’s list of perfect traits to the letter. I am not the kind of thin and beautiful person that looks like they walked out of a magazine. Apparently in this shallow society, that’s quite enough to make me not worth loving. This is a fucked up world.
Yes, there is a difference between a few pounds overweight and obese… might fat not simply mean obese?
Well I am not the sort of person to harm another for any reason. But I have social phobia, this means that I can think of hardly anything more terrifying than asking someone out for a date. That is the reason for my lack of dating success, and has nothing to do with niceness. I susspect a large number of people who are nice and unsuccesfull have similar phobia in social situations.
This is something for me to deal with, and not something to whine about.
As a nice guy, I have no problem dating women who are a bit chubby. I want a woman who savours life. I find it hard to believe a woman is capable of seizing the day when she’s afraid to try the chocolate chip cheesecake.
I don’t suffer from the shyness or passivity some of the other posters have mentioned. If I’m interested in a woman, I’ll tell her. If I want to kiss a woman, and I think she wants to kiss me, I pop that breath mint and lean on in.
I’ve posted this quote from Paul Chadwick many times “. . .men who blazed through life like a comet- undeterred, unafraid, and unashamed.”
I’ve tried to live by that.
I’m engaged to one of those nice guys. The thing is, he doesn’t CLAIM he’s a nice guy. He just is. He’s not the kind of guy that girls see as one to sweep them off their feet or become Prince Charming - but in my own case, he did just that. I gave him that chance (well, I should say he gave me the chance to let him), and I have never been happier.
I think nice guys are the ones who don’t walk around talking about what nice guys they are and how pissed off they are they can’t get a girl. I’ve know my fiance for seven years and I never heard those words out of his mouth. He’s just a good guy and he doesn’t even realize how good he is. And I’m glad as hell I get to be the one to reap the benefits.
Ava
Not always. My boyfriend is 5’8 1/2" and I’m 5’10". I’m the average American male’s height, and he’s under it, but, well, we like it just fine that way.
An observation:
Women generally don’t engage in the group-guilt sentiments in the original post. Namely:
This is an odd and perhaps pathological belief – that all men are somehow guilty for being male or must atone for the acts of other men. Surely several decades of man-bashing and guilty mongering are behind it. When women see women behaving badly, they will variously condemn or defend the women. I’ve yet to hear a woman say “I feel guilty because of what that woman did,” or “There are so many abusive mothers and crack whores giving birth to drug-adicted babies that I’m ashamed to be a woman.” Yet time and again I’ve heard men go in for this group-guilt self-loathing.
Lurking behind this attitude is more than a hint of an effort to win female favor. All straight men are competing against every other straight man, and this is just another tactic. The original poster is bashing the competition. Note the tone in the following:
He’s seeking female approval and attention. This is one way to go about it in a culture where man-bashing is an established norm.
Good question, but why ask it only of men?
I know nice guy. he hasn’t had a date in 3 years. He lives with his parents and is afraid to go out and talk to women…just stays at home and communicates by computer.
I know one guy who keeps tellingme he is a nice guy, of course he treats all women like shit.
I know another guy who seemed nice…of course he forgot to tell me he’d been married for 14 years until after I was quite smitten with him…