<crashes in through bay window, gets feet tangled up in cape, trips, stumbles to standing position>
<adjusts mask, draws black powder pistol>
All right, my lords and ladies, hands in the air! I have come for your lupins. Place them in this dashing little bag, and no one gets hurt, alright?
[sub]If you wouldn’t mind, terribly. Thanks ever so much.[/sub]
sniffs disdainfully
Smithers, something just crawled in the window. Do be a dear and see that it gets back OUT posthaste! Unless, of course, he can provide credentials… in which case you may fetch him a cup of tea.
[sub] said with a lazy wave of the hand, without stirring from the chaise by the crackling fire**
Please be gracious in accepting I, Josephson von Gutenthaler IVXIII to your humble yet ahem esteemed organization. May I be less presumptious in admitting that I must delete from mention at least the greater part of my qualifications so that I might appear “on the same page”, as a common citizen would so rightly put it? I take pleasure in admitting that my interests include parody of those who are definitely less than us, picking apart social customs to the point of deserved ridicule, and a significantly-more-than-a-laymans-interest in beluga caviar. You may call upon me, as you should well need to, at any time to see about certain asthetic matters, perhaps starting with gasp slightly threadbare chair-and-a-half that our as yet still esteemed Foreman resides in.
Before I would even consider joining such a society, I would need proper assurances from those in the upper ranks that we shall never be referred to as a “crowd” or a “club.”
(Yes, I’m glancing in the direction of Master Cadolphin and the Lady Persephone…)
And can we please limit our use of those “Smiley” things. Public displays of emoticons are so crude, and dare I say, common. Stiff upper lip, people.
One more thing, as we all know, correct coding is the truest sign of good breeding. If we can’t italicize and bold properly, then chance does our “Society” have?
I truly hope these slight technical issues can be resolved without much quarreling. Quarrels tend to upset my digestion, and if ever there was a conversation-stopper, it would be breaking wind.
And while I wouldn’t say I’m particularly witty or even especially clever in conversation (although I believe my friends have said I am, on an occasion or two), I do feel my presence in this Society would be-- oh, shall we say-- enjoyed.
And Lady ScottiDeNoodge, it’s always a pleasure running into you at these society events. You always have such interesting observations! (I apologize for using such vulgar punctuation. I find “exclamation points” so very crass, but if ever one was appropriate, I felt it was here.) Did the piano-forte I sent to your summer cottage arrive in one piece?
All for now,
Happy Walter Pirrup Elton Lendervedder VI
Jolly good, jolly good! It seems that we have a smashing assembly already coming together. You’ll have to forgive me for being so belated; I have spent my evening dragging the Official Society Register up from the catacombs of Mt. Jestington, and it is quite a weighty book indeed! But we shall soon make it weightier, for more inductions are in order!
I would like very much to welcome the newest members of Ye Olde SDMB Society of Fancy-Pantses and Debutantes:
-Orange Skinner the Eighth, Countess of Guam and Sometimes Duchess of the Federated States of Micronesia! And heartiest thanks to her ladyship for the generous donation; it’s hard to replenish that tea kettle constantly.
-Scotticher, who shall hereforth be Lady Scottinger Cherubulous of Longbottom. May her stay be long, and her biting observations of her comrades’ dress habits be an example for all of us.
-Johnny L.A., or should I say Jontwick Latherford Alpengorf, Sr. Welcome, welcome, though I must say that there is a wide bit of difference between Fancy-pantses and, scoff, “clever-trousers.” I’m sure you will make the transition smashingly.
-Phlosphr of NoVowelington, and his wife, the Lady NoVowelington, are welcome to bring their hound, as long as he sits menacingly at their feet and adds to the atmosphere.
-Lady Robin of Doors and the Duke of Doors should rest assured that, now that they are members of this esteemed society, their young progeny should have nothing to fear. And yes, fox hunts aplenty.
-Ringo, or rather Sir Ringo of NotStarr, should make it a point to get the accent right, confoundit. We’ll have none of that cockneyed bullrubbish in here. I apologize for being so harsh, but it is an issue close to my heart.
-Sir Kilty McWallace is welcome to wear his native garb in the society. It will be a pleasure to have one of his…character, in the lounge with us. And give the women something to be shocked about, should he forget to cross his legs.
-Vixenation, or Vixenstern Loxleberry, will be joining us soon, after a brief trip to the jewlers. You may all speculate as to the purpose of that visit starting…now.
-Ah, it is a pleasure to see Lord Alexander Cutberth Whittington here once again! We kept your chair waiting for you.
-Presenting Madam Zoe Chloe von Phithian-Thayer, Your Purple Holiness! Any wine orders should be directed straight to her, as the catacombs here at Mt. Jestington seem to be more stocked with walled-up aristocrats than wine these days. 'Tis a pity, but a sign of the times. I believe we still have some Amontillado…
-cadolphin, soon to be Her Ladyship Cadolphinheimen Glorioson, you have nothing to fear. An atmosphere such as this requires no training; one as sharp as yourself will surely just soak it up.
-The Countess Indigo Shadoxfort of Mirrors most certainly meets the requirements for membership, and then some. We would be honored if you were to join our ranks.
-Dutches Persephington Thornberry Pretocious is a happy arrival, indeed, and looking lovely in that gorgeous dress. I would comment on the color, but this early in the preceedings I would rather not take sides.
-Frederick Haywood Peachcrest XVIII, the famed dueler, approaches! This will certainly make our daily disputes and glove-slappings more intriguing. I do hope he lives up to his name.
-Hmmmm…Kat, eh? I do not feel so sure as to how much pride she invests in her gracious invitation to this fine society, and yet, my hospitality cannot be denied. From here on, you are Lady Kat Lowclassingbrand. May your time with the Society be joyous and bountiful. But please, don’t touch anything.
-Queen Junipera Englehoffen the Two-Hundreth, you flatter me with your kind words. I do hope that you will be ruffling a few feathers here during your stay. But…not too many. We do have an image to maintain.
-Lady Daowajanifford of Engleheart, you may most certainly dawn whatever garments you seem fit. You are the esteemed first of the Debu-pants, and it seems that others are following in your footsteps. Go forth, but please don’t cause a scandal. (And the proper expression is “pickled tink,” if you please.)
-cherry, or Dutchess Italica Cherry Blossom if you please, you may certainly join us. But please, regular font only. Some of our more easily shocked patrons may smell a scandal.
-celestina, Queen of England, Duchess of Gigglesworth, we are honored to have one as distinguished, and as giddy, as yourself.
-Lady Greywolf, I hope you did not think for a second that we would forget your family’s great and supportive history here in the Society? Your status shall go duly noted. [sub]Pompous, drunk, ankle-bearing old bag…[/sub] Oh? What? No, no, that was nothing. Simply a catch in my throat. I blame the butler.
-Lindy Peddlecrest of Hoppshire, I suppose we can make a few allowances for you Yanks, eh? But if you think that your arrival will mean that we break out the apple pie and “jazz” noise that you fellows and ladies adore so much, you are sorely mistaken. Now, make yourself at home, please.
-Worthington of NoCluefershire, it is so good to see one as young and boyish as yourself pursuing higher education. I’m sure that, if vocational work is really what interests you, one of the ladies of the society will be happy to oblige. But wouldn’t you much rather wheedle away the hours pointlessly?
-Mudshark, the ViceCount of Belgium, France, and Luxembourg., known for his constant secrecy and unwillingness to divulge any information about himself at all, will be seated in the chair in the far corner for the duration of his stay.
-Meister von Lurksalot, it is jolly good fun, indeed! And I’m sure that it will be even moreso now that you have arrived in our fair company!
-Lord Weskit Pinstripe Squint, Mrs., you may indeed join the ranks of the debu-pants, but please do make sure that you and your compatriots don’t shock any of the older Society members too much. If many more of them die of shock, there will be no Old Guard left. And that would be a pity.
-Philosophoclese Damascus von Hevershire is welcome to join, if that is his intention. I can’t really tell…
-The attentions of The Duchess of Phantowgreiken are certainly most welcome, though I would like to point out that I am not napping while in the chair, but simply trying to think of the proper moniker for everyone and recover from my dragging of the official Society Register up all those stairs. Still, I’d be pleased to divulge all that I know about poor old Master Coldfire. All in good time, though.
-**Josephson von Gutenthaler IVXIII **, your parodying and scoffing skills are truly renowned the world over! If you would be so kind as to use them on that poor, pitiful creature that just broke my best window, and deride him until he can take no more, I would be eternally greatful.
And there is the Register as it stands at the moment! If I was so careless as to miss you, please point yourself out to me and I will be happy to announce you with maximum flattery and grace. Also, please stand by for annoncements as to the upcoming activities of Ye Olde SDMB Society of Fancy-Pantses and Debutantes! I thank you.
Graciously Looking Forward to Making the Further Aqaintence of All of You Dear, Fine, Upright Citizens, but Fearing that He Will Not Be Able to At the Moment Since There Seems to Be a Caped Rapscallion Pointing a Sword in His Face, Oh Please Would Someone Call a Mod,
Sir Jestington Q. Pennywhistle, Esq.
Founder, Ye Olde SDMB Society of Fantsy-Pantses and Debutates
Oh, so I see that I happened to have missed naming the arrival of Happy Walter Pirrup Elton Lendervedder VI! For this, I do apologize, though I do not feel the need to put on the maximum flattery level, since it seems, Master Lendervedder, that you are fairly keen on telling those in this esteemed Society how they should conduct themselves. I feel that all of us are fairly well versed in the etiquette of fine, high-level interaction in this society, sir, and to blatantly attempt to lay out ground rules is not only insulting, it also deprives us of the fun of laughing at people who mess up behing their backs. I take it as an insult, sir, and any further insults shall be met with my glove to your face!
Which leads me to my next point: The Dueling Room is open! Having finally been equipped with Accurate Pace Markers on its floors and fainting couches in the stands for the more weak of heart among the spectators, the Official Society Dueling Square is open for business in the courtyard outside the main gates! You can even see it from here, should you desire to observe a duel without leaving the comfort of the tea room.
Dueling sign-up sheets have been placed at either end of the hall; please be prompt in signing up for a spot, since many of the more popular times, such as high noon and sunset, tend to fill up quickly, and you don’t want any lost effect in your duel. Still, rules are rules, and we can’t accomodate anyone, so please be understanding. Duels over positions on the dueling sheet are allowed, but generally frowned upon as they tend to gum up the works.
I hope that the tea and crumpets are to everyone’s liking. Should they not be, then please stop one of the servants during their rounds and they will be happy to help.
I am hearing some gossip, but not nearly enough to meet the usual Society of Fancy-Pantses and Debutantes standards. So, if everyone would be so kind as to follow the examples of such women as the fine Lady Scottinger Cherubulous of Longbottom, we could really make a name for ourselves.
And those are all the announcements for now. Oh, I would also like to point out that for those of you who I have introduced already, I now take my liscence to talk about you discreetly and spread vicious rumors, in the tradition of the Society. Newcomers will, of course, be treated with respect until such time as they are properly introduced.
Oh, and can someone do something about this bandit? He’s just standing here stammering, and I fear that he’s detracting from the atmosphere.
Much Obliged, But Not So Obliged as to Give the Impression that He is Losing Control of the Situation, Because He Most Certainly Is Not and Never Will, How Dare You Think Such a Thing,
Sir Jestington Q. Pennywhistle, Esq.
Founder, Ye Olde SDMB Society of Fantsy-Pantses and Debutates
With that pleasantry out of the way, I hereby make application for your fine association as your Lord of Proper Spelling. And as such, Sir, I must protest regarding your signature line:
Founder, Ye Olde SDMB Society of Fantsy-Pantses and Debutates
Do you not mean, perhaps, Fancy Pantses?
If not, our first duel must be Funk and Wagnalls at dawn.
I shall address the matter forthwith, kind Sir Jestington. I assure you that you are agreeing to your better judgement in recognising me worthy of these neccessary tasks.
grabs unworthy bandit by the nape of his neck and belt Out, you racketeer, and succumb to that which is deserving of your presence, the likes of which I cannot think of at the moment.
flings him asunder, out of the window
Oh, the stench is still apparent. Have we any Lysol?
Fabulously done, Master von Gutenthaler. Your reputation truly did come well-supported. Now, I vote that we put up a nice tapestry over the broken window, to take out minds off of this ordeal. Oh, excuse me. Did I say “we?” Because I meant “Our servants.” Oh hoh, I got you there, you old thapsnatcher, you! I’m sorry, I could not resist a gentle barb.
Ah, and I see that Rico Caponazzio Capriccio Cappuccino has arrived, and just in the nick of time, too! A thousand thanks for saving me from my greivous error, good sir. I truly do not know what came over me. It is clear that I must go to yon bedchamber and rest up: perhaps the ordeal of the opening festivities has taken more out of me than I previously thought. A fine evening to you all!
(But, Sir Cappuccino, I do feel obligated to point out that under proper Societal Dueing laws, it is the challenged party who chooses the weapon. Note that I do not say this to be insulting, but instead to save you the embarrasment of improperly challenging one less forgivin than I.)
Sincerely, and With Great Remorse for His Spelling Error, But Red-Facedly Running off To Rectify His Extreme Fatigue, Which Mainly Is Centered in the Skull and Backtal Areas From Lugging the Society Register Around All Night,
Sir Jestington Q. Pennywhistle, Esq.
Founder, Ye Olde SDMB Society of Fancy-Pantses and Debutantes
Say, Lady Orange Skinner the Eighth, Countess of Guam and Sometimes Duchess of the Federated States of Micronesia, did you happen to notice that there are some comely lads here [sub]not that I would notice anything like that, mind you…[/sub] and that ONE of them claims he sports with a “good weapon”, another is wearing only a …good gracious, now WHERE did I put my fan? Oh, there it is, under Lady NoVowelington’s pecan pie, now where WAS I? Oh yes, let me just fan myself, it IS a bit…shall we say CLOSE in here? ANYWAY, one of them is wearing a KILT! MY DEAR, can you IMAGINE? Now, WHERE did I put that fan? DRAT…oh, THERE IT IS, under Sir Ringo of NotStarr’s imaginary drums. I will NEVER understand why he doesn’t just leave those things at home. He’s adorable, but those drums just get in the way. ANYWAY, (let me whisper this to you, dear, I don’t want the children to hear) THEY SAY HE ISN’T WEARING ANYTHING UNDER that kilt! I SWAN!!! In point of fact, I SWOON!!!
Lord Tobias requests entrance, please, and thank you kindly.
[sub]pretty little moue[/sub]Say, what is this LONGBOTTOM business? Listen, Sir Jester, that banana cream pie is still “in the building,” and DUN you ferGIT it!’
“ahem” Sorry, slight hijack. Anyway…
Happy Walter Pirrup Elton Lendervedder VI, I was MUCH obliged for your lovely gift of the piano-forte. Yes, it arrived and it fits so beautifully into the little nook that leads to the terrace. I am always so pleased to remember the times we sat on the terrace drinking our morning…er, afternoon tea. I am SO charmed that you remember our mornings…er, afternoons together. Me playing, you turning the sheets. So charmed.:o
Oh dear; it STILL reeks of spinach casserole in here, with thanks to that sniff scoundrel I had the pleasure of disposing with…
Sir Ringo, may I be given the pleasure of indulging in a ahem playing at your apparitioned drumkit?
While the content of my earlier remarks still stands, I do apologize for the manner in which I so haphazzardly chose to present them. I was truly behaving in an ungentlemanly fashion by pointing out the crude language of other posters. I hope I have not made Sir Cadolphin and Lady Persephone to feel uncomfortable in any way.
I will, in the future, reserve my name-naming to intimate whispers shared over tea.
If you still feel slighted by my words, Mr. Pennywhistle, my freshly-shav’d cheek awaits your glove’s blow. I shall polish my dueling boots forthwith, in the event your decision leads us to battle.
I would like to offer a smile at this point, but I fear I’ve forgotten how. Stiff upper lip and all.
But all this quarreling has caused me such a gastro-intestinal bloat-- I must go now, as I fear it’s not the spinach casserole alone that be causing such a reek.
Happy William Havisham Delano Lendervedder VIII
Walks in after giving her name to the butler to let everyone know she is here.
Why what a pleasure to meet everybody! I am still learning, been polishing my manners at the women’s school and have since returned to rejoin polite society and make my debut. I have a question though, might I take part in the deuling as well? Or is that solely a man’s perogative?
I have tried to let the remarks slide, but I must now respond with the first challenge:
Sir Happy Walter Pirrup Elton Lendervedder VI, you are hereby challenged to a duel for insulting the honor of my lovely wife, Her Ladyship Cadolphinheimen Glorioson. On two occasions, you have referred to her as Master cadolphin, and Sir cadolphin. Believe me, sir, those protrusions from her tunic front are not any man-made armor, those are a sight to behold.
Your choice of weapons, sir, at dawn.
Rico Caponazzio Capriccio Cappuccino removes his pristine white leather riding gloves, and places the obligatory challenge slap across the face of Sir Happy Walter Pirrup Elton Lendervedder VI.
:: tugs forelock and twists cloth cap in hands ::
‘Scuse Oi, sirs, ladies, but would any o’ you fine gentlefolks be needin’ stuff a-carried for 'ee? ‘Cause I can do that sort of work … my grandad, now, ‘e were a stevedore on Liverpool docks, so carryin’ large heavy things for tiny wages sort o’ runs in t’family, kind of thing …
Yes, I know a Liverpool accent sounds nothing like the “generic rustic” I’m using here … just live with it, OK?
[sub]arches an eyebrow towards Sir Jestington’s retreating back in a bit of a huff; as if she could be stirred towards ‘attentions’ to anyone. Indeed.[/sub]
Smithers, be a dear and freshen my tea whilst I eavesdrop on the nearby conversations. Oh, and fetch a pottage of creamed banana for my pleasure… I don’t know that I’ll be eating it, but I’m certain to find some good use for it.
La, Lady Scotticher, is that your fan, there, in yon teapot?
[sub]absent, halfhearted wave of the hand[/sub] I’m off to make the ‘rounds’ you see, and will be back… there’s a masqued ball given by their highnesses this afternoon. Ta!
[sub]lumbers into the room…stops, stares…brushes fur with paw…[/sub]
Is this the party I heard about? Can I join? Any beer and cookies? Or, would that be, ale and biscuits? Oooh, Look! Somebody in a kilt. [sup]woof! woof! woof! [/sup]