Cheery morning, one and all! How wonderful to find a place where persiflage flows freely. I will be more than happy to accept any title our esteemed OP wishes to bestow, as it would seem too much like bragging to share all my titles with you.
Incidentally, which comedian thought it would be amusing to parade around in a scruffy bearskin rug? Where is the head porter? Could we have this person removed?
<breathing daintily through perfumed hanky>
My bad. Very well then. Good thing I polished by dueling boots last night.
Weapons: a ream of paper. It’ll be a battle of papercuts. You cut me, I cut you, and so on and so forth. First one to cry uncle loses.
And I think it goes without saying that we do not touch the other man’s face. We’re not savages, afterall.
You, I say, you may fire when ready, sir…
Happy Governor Wilbur Penobscott George Lancaster Lendervedder VII
A Question; A Tenative, Civil Request; and A Reminder To The Gentlewomen Regarding Etiquette.
A Question: Does Membership in this Most Exclusive Society grant one the Privilage of Unleashing The Hounds on the hoi poilloi?
A Tenative, Civil Request: If the Answer to my above Question is “Jolly Well Yes!”, would the Committee please consider me for Membership?
A Reminder To The Gentlewomen Regarding Etiquette: If a Lady chooses to smoke while wearing gloves, whether full-length Opera Gloves, or ordinary white gloves of the type worn while Visiting, she is expected to use a Cigarette Holder.
Why, Lady Scotti, I am positively shocked that you would make accusations of social-climbing! There has been a Doors at Eton since Lord Airman’s great-great-great-great-great-grandfather! [sub]Of course, you’ll have to look past the unpleasantness of that little incident with the gamekeeper’s falcon; the gamekeeper finally got all the cold cream off the ceiling a few years ago. Airman’s grandfather was such a rakish lad![/sub]
I merely think that in this day and age, one should not be forced to spend too much time with commoners, if one does not need to.
Lady Robin of Doors
Allow me to introduce myself,
Throckmorton Quincey Bank-Holiday Smithe IV .
I must admit I am somewhat puzzled why everyone is not using royal blue in this correspondence. Are we not yet civilized in using the correct modes of letter writing?
But I will bow to use the ‘common’ mode of writing, even if it is quite lower class.
Be that as it may, I am the current and most respected financial advisor to the King and Queen of Hexagonia. Myself and the lady Beatrice von Scurry-up-the-Stairs Windslow will soon be married and would like to invite all concerned parties to our wedding.
The time will be somewhat in the Spring. Any later would invite the horrible vision of our ladies suffering from the vapors, which would be most unsightly!
We will have cigars and brandy in my library to celebrate the Hexagonian Day of Truffle Freedom in the near future.
Invitations will be sent forth-with.
Farewell and greetings,
Throckmorton Quincey Bank-Holiday Smithe IV
Si n’été pas sont dans la classe supérieure, alors nous ne sommes pas vivants!
My dear Lady Scottinger Cherubulous of Longbottom, I quite feel it necessary t’ reassure ye that, indeed, I do weer the kilt appropriately, incloodin’ the appropriate garments worn under said kilt.
Those garments, o’course, are socks, sock flashes, the sgian-dhu (or, te quote th’ vulgar slang, th’ stocking dagger), and me well-broken in ghille brogues keepin’ me feet warrum. Hae no fear, dear lady, for we Heilantmen are anything but gauche…
Now, weer was that Laphroaig which Her Grace the Queen Celistina sought earlier? ‘Tis after nine in th’ moorning, an’ I’ve had no proper breakfast yet…
Yours Aye,
Sir Kilty & etc…
There is a most unpleasant odor wafting about the room. [sub]raises arms, sniffs[/sub] It appears not to emanate from my freshly ivory soaped ursineage. Could it be the “persiflage” so freely flowing from one Lady FairyChat of Mom? 
Now, where did I put my flagon of beer…err…tea. [sub] no, really, it’s tea[/sub]
[celestina awakens from a lil ol’ snooze she’d taken to discover that her bottle of Laphroaig is empty!:o She gestures for one of her ladies in waiting to bring another bottle posthaste.]
Sir Jestington, thank you so much for your kind welcome. Once you’re finished updating your register, come over and have a glass of something to keep you warm. 
As far as the person, sniff, who has the nerve to suggest that use of smilies is without dignity, may I remind him or her that I am a queen, and I may use as many smilies as I please. 
Now then, Kilt-wearin’ man, hon, come have a seat and let’s chat over a wee bit of the life-givin’ elixir, shall we?
[Her grace, Queen celestina pats the sofa cushion next to her.]
So tell me about that fascinating kilt you’re wearin’? I declare I don’t know a thing about kilts except they’re very expensive. This is such a beautiful design and such craftsmanship.
[celestina fingers Sir Kilty McWallace’s kilt.]
So are you a highlander, a lowlander, or some other kind of lander? What clan are you from? Tell me about yourself. Is Laphroaig your favorite Scotch?
OUCH OUCH OUCH!
I am very happy to report to the assembled multitude that Sir Happy Walter Pirrup Elton Lendervedder VI and I dueled this morning at ouch dawn. Sir Happy’s choice of weapons was ouch honored, so it was a battle of paper cuts.
I am happy to report that both ouch duelists survived the ouch battle, and honor is satisfied. Sir Happy has agreed to never again refer to my ouch lovely wife as a SIR or MASTER. She will henceforth be ouch referred to as “Countess.”
Now, Sir Happy, may I buy you a ouch drink, my fine gentleman?
Why, I’m charrum’d, Your Grace, and would ‘appily wile the hours aweyy sharin’ youir coompany an’ a fine Single Malt… My personal whisky preference goes to the Glen Rothes, tho’ the Laphroaig, the Glenlivet and the Glenmorrangie are all fine spirits as well.
Now, about the kilt an’ me own Clan…[launches into a detailed retelling of Highland history for the past 1000 years…]
[…culminating in his membership in the Clan Keith and an overview of the Clan’s former territory around Aberdeen and into the central and northern Highlands. Moving on, the narrative goes into the history of Highland costume including the modern idea of the tartan…etc…etc…]
glides in and gracefully perches on the edge of the chaise lounge
Oh dear! What an appalling odor! And why is that window broken? Have we had some amount of excitement that I have missed in my absence? Have we no verbana or lavender water to ease this terrible olfactory offense?
And what’s this talk about a duel? Has someone compromised someone’s honor yet again?
claps hands Oh yes! Let’s have a duel then!
And we have a Scottish Highlander among us? Oh, how positively exotic. I simply must write the ladies back home about this. And kilt-wearin Man, forgive me but if I may be so bold as to inquire, but I noticed that in your listing of underthings you failed to mention the presence of proper undergarments. Is it true, then, that Scottish men sometimes go au nautural under their kilts?
Dear me!
fans self
And Jester, my dear, I assure you that I may be a great many things but old is certainly is not one of them. I take great offense to your remarks and I should hope you will make it up to me posthaste. indignant sniff
As mentioned ‘afore, I am weerin’ all th’ proper garments and accessories under me kilt. Above it as well. The complete list:
1 Tuxedo shirt w/French cuffs (I am assuming that Formal Attire is preferred?) and appropriate undershirt
1 pair, Sterling silver knotwork cufflinks
1 Black bow tie
1 Formal jacket, “Prince Charlie” style, w/tails
1 Matching “Prince Charlie” waistcoat
1 Belt (black) w/ornate silver knotwork Buckle
1 Grey fur Sporran w/silver accents
1 Kilt, Clan Keith (ancient) tartan
1 Kilt Pin featuring the clan crest
1 pair Kilt Socks, cream colored
1 pair Sock Flashes, dark green
1 Sgian Dhu, black, w/faceted amber pommel stone and silver “Scotland” crest
1 pair Ghille Brogue shoes, black
I hope this dispells th’ myth that no clothing is worrun beneath the kilt. As one may plainly see, several of these garments may only be worn properly beneath the area coovered by th’ kilt.
Yours Aye,
Sir Kilty & etc…
Ah, what a joy to see the Society’s first full day going so well! I am honored to make all of your aquaintances. However, since I am loathe to begin my day without a bit of socialization and overstuffed chair-resting, I fear that the official naming of all new arrivals will sadly have to wait until some point later tonight. It will seem more official that way, anyhow.
Now, on to pressing matters.
Lady Scottinger Cherubulous, I do hope that you haven’t taken much offense to the Society monicker with which you have been associated. I feel there is no need to inform you that Longbottom is certainly a most outstanding name indeed, implying grace, beauty, and above all, good breeding. I would certainly not want to offend you, lest I find my monicker buried in a cream pastry!
Lady Greywolf, I certainly never meant to offend you. As I said, anything you may have heard was simply a catch in my throat. It’s that horrid draft from the window. cough, cough
Seeing as how you, Sir Happy Walter Pirrup Elton Lendervedder VI, have already had your duel with **Rico Caponazzio Capriccio Cappuccino **, I feel no need to extend our dispute. Help yourselves to any of the many wound dressings and beverages that we hold here at the Society.
And lastly, Queen celestina, I am honored by your being honored at my welcome. I assure you, 'twas but a pittance of the honor that one as honorable as yourself deserves. I would be full of honor to have an honorable drink in your honorable presence, once you have finished your…lengthy…discourse with the Kilt Wearin’ Man.
Please as Punch To Be in Your Eternal Services, Each and Every One Of You, Even Steve Wright Who is Now Employed By Our Society As a Lowly Bag-Carrier, the Poor Boy, But What is To Be Done,
Sir Jestington Q. Pennywhistle, Esq.
Founder, Ye Olde SDMB Society of Fancy-Pantses and Debutantes
Only if you’ll let me buy you one in return, old bean.
I hope you don’t mind if I stand whilst I drink it, however, as you did get quite creative in your slicing toward the end of our tete-a-tete, and I dare say my end won’t be the same for several days.
Hip hip and tally-ho, cheery pip, hey nonny nonny & forsooth,
Happy Terwilliger Austin Jean-Claude Brandmoore Lendervedder III
Ah, Good Afternoon; Good Afternoon, indeed! While it is a fine day with the exception of those unsightly clouds approaching over the horizon, I am sure that Sir Jestington, in his usual gracious manner, uses his accurate intuition in proclaiming the evening’s festivities to be more appropriate.
Lady Scottinger, as I am well sure, is aware that her name, however acquired, is recognised (after my own, of course) only with blushes and averted eyes due to its honourable nature, the likes of which are freely recognised in my own fatherland which is situated on the double crossing near the Giva Dam, nestled among the Eddy Shores.
I dare say that I caught a good portion of the duel, a most honourable one, invloving not letter size paper but A4 paper, the likes of which has been known to securely settle many a disagreement.
I shall run along now, in joyful anticipation of this evenings’ festivities. Perhaps the most disagreeable odor will be erased by then.
Cheeri-o,
Josephson von Gutenthaler IVXIII
I say, **Jester
** old thing…haven’t replied to my ripping post.
Almost uncivil.
Sassy rushes in, tossing a card to the butler
Pers, my dear - did you remember the garters this time? I mean, what sort of party is it if someone isn’t accused of witchcraft?
*honi soit qui mal y pense * and all that. Love your dress!
Why, Lady Scotti, I am positively scandalized by your accusations of social-climbing! There has been a Doors at Eton since Lord Airman’s great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather! [sub]Although you’d do well to ignore the unpleasantness involving the gamekeeper’s falcon. The last of the cold cream and Vaseline finally came off the ceiling a few years ago. Lord Airman’s grandfather was quite the rake.[/sub]
I simply think a child worthy of the name Doors should associate himself with persons of quality.
Lady Robin
Chilvary is not dead
Rico, you are my hero <batting eyelashes>
Ladies, do you all see how handsome he is?
Sir Happy Walter Pirrup Elton Lendervedder VI, you may now behold the aforesaid protusions, but no touching.