Consider how often any one of you have said out loud, or on these very boards, something along the lines of “She should eat a hamburger! She’s way too skinny!”
I hope this applies to none of you. But it’s all too common, and assumed it’s acceptable to do so.
You know, I go through life completely unable to believe any compliment I ever get, because our society values “niceness” over “honestly.” What’s more, I can’t even give an evenhanded assessment of myself without having people (usually women) say, “Oh, don’t put yourself down!” BTW, I am a woman too.
elegiac, I understand that you had a sore spot stepped on and you feel bad. But I seriously doubt that this guy just suddenly peeped up “Oh, by the way, your boobs are too big.” My guess would be that in some part of the conversation, you asked for his opinion of your appearance, either explicitly or implicitly. He gave it to you, and gave it honestly. What’s more, he gave you information which you yourself say you didn’t know, about breast reduction surgery (which many large breasted women find alleviates some back trouble). Maybe you’re not interested, but you easily could have been.
So now, this thread is one big pile-on where everybody kicks this guy for having the unmitigated gall to give you an honest opinion. I’ll tell you what - I’ll take him! I could really like an honest guy.
Lord preserve me from the good people of this world who feel they must always be “nice.” They cause more harm than they know, if they are believed, and lead to deep-seated lack of trust if they are not.
No, I get this all the time from other women. The “interesting” thing about my appearance is that I’m very thin, not to mention flat-chested, scrawny, and skinny. It’s not something I do or don’t do, it’s just the way I’m meant to be. And I get a lot of comments, even from strangers, such as, “Girl, you need to eat something!” I even had a co-worker put me on the spot once by telling me how skinny I was, then (perhaps realizing how rude personal appearance comments are), she told me “OK, now tell me how fat I am. Go on, tell me! I’m fat.”
And, well, she’s fat. But I didn’t tell her that. Because I’m not rude.
AvhHines, that rush of air you felt was you being whooshed.
If that’s too vague: Of course she’s heard of breast reduction surgery. She was being sarcastic.
Thanks for the support, Lord Ashtar, but the analogy would work equally well for a guy who could stand to shed a few inches of shaft. Haven’t you seen Waiting for Guffman? At any rate, my point was I don’t make it a habit to bring up people’s negative physical characteristics in casual conversation. Is it too much to ask the same of others?
deb2world, here is a reply. I am not sure what is up with the post count. That is odd. Maybe I haven’t really joined the board at all. And yes, he’s off the list. Most definitely.
I don’t think I can reply to all of you, but I appreciate the kind words. I am as happy about the way I look as possible at the moment. My back hurts when I stand in one spot for two long, or bend over for too long. Though I imagine that is true for many people. Other than that I am fine. What gets me is people assume I’ve never heard of the reduction procedure, and feel free to impart their unsolicited opinion. I have probably read more about reduction surgery than anyone, save those women who have actually had it done. And I’m sorry, but I am not going to undergo major surgery to make myself more appealing to others. It just ain’t my cup of tea.
Oh, and AvhHines…sarcasm is a useful tool. Might not be a bad idea to learn to recognize it. Anyway, he brought up the topic of his excess weight. All I said was that I wouldn’t mind losing a few pounds myself (it’s called commiseration). I guess I should have said “yeah, I noticed you’ve got a real beer gut going there. Maybe you should get that cut off.”
Fair enough. But not everyone has, and that really wasn’t my point in any case.
Elegiac, some people are less sensitive than others…and some are as dense as rock and half as smart. I want to say up front that you right: He’s a clod and an ass. His behavior is reprehensible and he owes you One Big Apology. That said, I’m going to hijack this a little bit.
[hijack]
You did say he was a friend, didn’t you? Before this, was it a good friendship? You see, when this happens among friends, when a mouth opens and a foot fills it, usually their heart is in the right place. Did you sense that he intended to be Malicious or Hurtful to you? Has he apologised yet? Granted if he’s too stupid to apologise cut him loose.
Still, if I had a nickle for everytime I or anyone else on this board hit the enter button & wished they could take it back, I’d be in Bill Gates tax bracket. Sometimes people say stupid things & regret them afterwards…and good friends and strong friendships can be worth saving. So kick, scream, curse, and do what you need to get it out of your system here. Is The Pit: Have a Ball. Once you’ve got it out of your system to the point where you can throw your head back and laugh about his stupidity, then thats the time to respond to him. Laugh at him and tell him “what a fucking clueless thing to say! Are your parents cousins or are you off your Meds or what???”
Then give him 3 weeks of the silent treatment. After that, slowly see if he’ll touch base with you again (a true friend won’t give up on you that easy). Then see if You can get past it. Remember, one of the six secrets of True Happiness is Forgiveness. [hijack]
At the risk of turning this into another “fatbashers vs. anti-fatbashers” shouting match of which we’ve had so many of recently, the above comments are usually directed at people who it is believed at starving themselves because they think that thin is in. EG: Calista Flockhart et al. Hardly anything like what the OP describes.
Hey, I missed the sarcasm - so sue me. (:smack: )
But saying that would have been mean-spirited and deliberately unkind. What he said to you, while it hurt your feelings, was not deliberately unkind - it was simply honest and even attempting to be helpful. (You did say you were having back trouble, or was that sarcasm too?)
elegiac, you have a real sore spot there, and he stepped on it. But how the hell was he supposed to know it was a sore spot? He did not offer you egregious insult, he was not either rude or nasty in his phrasing; he was treating you as a friend. Sure, you can trash him. But what that says to me is that you only want friends who are going to pet you and stroke you and call you George (no, wait, brain fart there…), who are going to tell you exactly what you want to hear. That may well be your idea of friendship. Me, I want to know what my friends think and believe, not what they think I want to hear.
If I did want to starve myself, it’s no stranger’s business. And believe me, the comments I get are not given with an air of concern for my wellbeing.
lezlers, the first time I read your post I laughed out loud and dropped my bagel because I always thought you were a dude.
You owe me a new bagel. Sesame, please.
I never said anything about having back trouble to him. I don’t have back trouble. And the whole point of my OP is that, even if he was trying to be ‘helpful’, the statement was unkind. You just don’t say things like that to people. It’s uncouth. I don’t know how I can make it any plainer to you.
elegiac, it was unkind for you. My best friend, who is built just about exactly the way you have described yourself, would have laughed and ruefully agreed with the guy. I, who while not overly chested, have a rear the size of Texas (my thighs are the panhandles <pretend there are two, okay?>), would have responded the same way had a similar comment been addressed to me on the topic of my ass.
Obviously, you and this guy have no future, but for heaven’s sake, he was speaking to you as someone he knew, not a stranger, and he neither intended nor attempted to insult or hurt you. He hurt your feelings, but he was being familiar, not uncouth, and he didn’t realize that it was his duty to never remind you that you’re not overly fond of your body, especially since * he didn’t know that!* He didn’t commit the seven deadly sins; he didn’t even commit one. He landed on a topic about which you are exceptionally sensitive, without realizing that you were so.
If you go through life considering everyone who ever unintentionally steps on your toes to be at best uncouth and at worst nasty and malicious, you are going to be a very unhappy person, or a very lonely one.
It was VERY unkind.
I got mine reduced a few years ago. Not fun. It’s major surgery. However, it’s helped me immensely.
That being said, unless a close friend said, “Look, I’m really sort of unhappy with these,” I would NEVER in a MILLION YEARS suggest they look into the surgery! That’s just awful! And I must confess I’ve never heard of a guy who’s trying to pick up a woman telling her her boobs were too big…I know there are guys who like them small, but among most of the males I’ve known the general consensus is that if they’re boobs, they’re good.
I’m not sure the dick comparison holds up, as it were. I don’t think women have quite as much of an attatchment to their boobs as men do to their dicks. I have much more positive feelings towards the girls now than I did before the surgery, because I like them much better. My ex described them as “perfect.” I wouldn’t go that far, but hey, if I end up with nothing else from that relationship, I’m not forgetting THAT moment!
Life does have its moments, doesn’t it? 
I believe it is unkind for anyone. I don’t understand why you think it is not in bad taste to point out someone’s physical imperfections.
Good for you. I am glad you would have no problem laughing off other people’s pointed remarks about your body. You are still missing my point. People should not make unsolicited remarks like that in polite company. If I had asked him, “do you think I should get a breast reduction” then his comments would be more appropriate. I did not.
I would be equally annoyed if he had told me I needed to color my hair, as there is a lot of gray in it. Or to use a certain acne medication to clear up my zits. Yeah, he picked on a sensitive topic for me. My point is, don’t offer advice on people’s negative characteristics if they haven’t asked for your opinion.
I don’t consider what he did ‘stepping on my toes.’ I consider it rude and I have explained why. If you persist in telling me that I am going to be an unhappy and lonely person because I expect common courtesy from people who profess to be my friends, then I fear we are at an impasse.
We agree to disagree then 
That it does!
OK. Then may I assume any kind of forgiveness or reconcilliation is out of the question then? I’m very sorry that your friend hurt your feelings; it’s sad that a friendship has been lost here. He was out of bounds and an Ass.
Q: Did he even know he made an ass out of himself? Did he try to apologize?
I know the cause of death of the friendship was Stupidity and Pride. All I want to know is, how much of the cause was his Stupidity and how much of it was Your Pride?
No, forgiveness is not out of the question, quietman. I have forgiven much worse many times over. I am just ranting and raving in this thread, as you yourself told me to do! Why are you taking it upon yourself to preach at me now? I am confused.