You Know Who You Are

The BBQ Pit
41

** MrVisible **, you didn’t happen to go to Hollywood High, did you? Sounds like you and I had the same experience, and as it happens, several members of MY uber-clique were gay…

Both Euty’s and Rickjay’s posts struck chords with me, as with so many others I see.

I called my two closest friends, whom I have known for 30 years, since we were in 7th grade, and asked them: “Why DID you become friends with me?”. Both of them were ultra popular, top-tier, and I used to gaze across the schoolyard, wishing they would be my friends. Within a couple of years, they were, and I still don’t know how that happened. Now it’s 30 years later, and these friendships are the treasure of my life. I guess we were meant to be together.

One of them was telling me about how the two of them would sit out in front of Le Conte jr. high and watch the passing kids, figuring out whether they were higher or lower on the popularity scale than they were personally. Pretty funny…they were “above” most the kids, but definitely below others, like Rita Wilson, who ultimately became Mrs. Tom Hanks. She was obviously destined to be cool.

Anyway, ** Euty ** , you do need to learn to speak up, assuming you haven’t. Take the risk, say hi - you never know who might respond positively. Given the fact that you are already feeling the pain of rejection, it certainly can’t make it any worse, and there’s a good chance it might make it better.

Oh, and ** Watermelon Man **, you have it exactly right. Be who you are, and the right people will end up appreciating you. What’s the point of getting the attention and approval of people you don’t really connect with in any meaningful way? Be true to yourself always.

42

Then again there are some people who are just cunts. y’know, by nature they are bastards. I had a friend in highschool who tried to kill himself because of the shit he got in highschool. He swallowed 2 bottles of Paracetamol. He’s lucky to be alive right now and he still doesn’t realise it. They did that to him and when he came back to school they just carried on as though nothing had happened. He lasted another three weeks before he finally left. now these self same cocksuckers who made him swallow every ounce of self respect and dignity he had every day for 5 years are still doing it in sixth form. Fuck them.

Now, I’m not saying your points weren’t good because they are, I just wanted to say that whilst not everyone who was bullied deserves victim status, not everyone who bullies is a victim.

43

I’m just posting to say that I too can relate to feeling unwanted and unloved, especially in junior high and high school. I don’t think this makes me unique, however; I think the “unique” ones are the very few who can say they never felt that way growing up, and frankly I suspect such people of not being . . . well, blessed with an overabundance of sensitivity or smarts.

But one of the unsung glories of being an adult is that you have the ability to choose who you are going to be. So you do not have to be a product of an unhappy childhood and you do not have to be a bitter loner who thinks he (or she) cannot trust people. Sure, it’s harder for those of us who have had our hands burned to continue to extend them to others, but we can. It is an option, if we are strong enough and brave enough. And I am not for one second saying it’s is easy.

EUTY, you are a man of great gifts. You are extremely smart, funny, warm, and loving. But you can’t sit over by yourself waiting for people to come and open you up like a big present, and feeling sadly vindicated when they don’t. They’re all wrapped up in their own lives – just like you are. (At bottom, we are all self-absorbed egomaniacs, every last one of us.) Go over and ask to sit with them. Next time you see a funny e-mail cartoon, route it around. Ask about their kids. Ask to go to lunch. Even if you are rebuffed – which I seriously doubt you will be – you will STILL be a smart, funny, warm, loving man of great gifts, who will be richer for having taken a chance to share himself with others. So give it a try. :slight_smile:

44

Stoid… Hollywood High? Um… nope. Little high school in rural Rhode Island (yes, parts of Rhode Island used to be rural).

One of my fondest memories of high school, in retrospect, is getting made fun of for wearing a U2 t-shirt. It was from the October album, before they started filling stadiums. I was quasi-interning at a local radio station, and had just missed the chance to meet the band, but a friend saved me a t-shirt.

Actual quote… “U2? What kind of name is that for a band?”

You, sir, have excellent taste in music. Expose more people to it.

45

I’m having difficulty that the person who posted this:

is the same person who, in Stoid’s “life rocks, you suck” thread, wrote this:

Jeez, goboy.

46

I try not to associate the past with the current. That is a box in itself. Back in high school I had a LOT of problems, had few friends … I was new to the area, outcasted, thought about killing my self constantly. Was doped out on ridiculous amounts of drugs, institutionalized, super depressed, etc… I barely graduated. Then after high school I got modivated, got out of that shithole, worked and started taking engineering classes at the local community college. My depression vanished (thankfully). Life is so much different than it used to be these past few years, it’s like I’m a different person. I was in the deepest hole just a few years ago. But somehow I worked my way out of it. Life is good. What does suck is in my current situation it’s very difficult to meet people (read: I spend too much time on the Internet currently as a result :wink: ). But, when I go off to complete my CS degree at a university in the fall, that will change.

Anyway, look at life as a constant learning experience and be in the present, try not to relate to the past. Make life YOUR bitch, don’t let yourself become a bitch of it.

47

Yay for Rhode Island! I grew up in Cumberland myself.

I was one of those tomboy girls that looked like a boy, till I was about 11 or 12. And my parents were both junior high teachers. It sucked. But hey, I wouldn’t be my sarcastic, caustic, brash self it it didn’t build character!

48

sob

Hugs, Euty. I feel your pain. That would be the story of my life, right there, no doubt about it.

I’m in the middle of exactly what I quoted right now, so I’m struggling to come up with something wise to say. Please rest assured, though, that you are not alone.

I was talking with some friends at work the other day, and they were fondly remembering middle school. Middle school? Middle school??? I was horrified. My highlights are:

6th grade: Carrie Metzgar, my best friend, telling me her mom said I was “the ugliest girl she had ever seen” but I might be prettier if I wore eye liner.

7th grade: Mike Cammarata, the boy I madly loved for three years, reading the love letter I finally wrote him out loud to the entire bus. Instead of “Love, Sarah” he read, “Love, the Ugliest Pimple in Seventh Grade.”

8th grade: My best friend Jenn Ruffini telling me that she would tell this boy Mark I liked that even though I was ugly, I had a great personality.

Really, I only find comfort in the fact that they are all either at community college or, in Jenn’s case, working at Taco Bell right down the street. Kids are exceptionally cruel, and adults are worse; at least now, I have the ability, confidence, and brazenness to tell the Carrie Metzgars of the world to kiss my ass.

49

Been there, heard all that.

Heck, I even got abuse when I came to people for help. They didn’t stop to help me, just heaped on more. It wasn’t until I quit listening to everyone and quit caring what they think that I got better. Now I know other people will never, and should never tell me who I am. I’m am who I am, and if it offends you, sorry. I won’t change.

I always wonder what pushed those kids we hear about on TV over the edge. I know I’ve heard things just as bad, only I was too poor to afford the guns.

50

jr8’s excellent post seems to be getting lost in the shuffle, and I really think that it is the lynchpin of the whole deal–no one is a “Hurter” or a “Hurt” all of the time–we boht fill both roles, and if you think you have never broken anyone’s heart or crushed someone’s self-esteem or ruiined someone’s day, I think that you are fooling yourself. This realization is actually a little empowering (though I hate that term) because it is easy to fall into the pattern of thinking that you are simply acted upon but have no real ability to shape the world.

And Goboy, I know you didn’t mean to do this but oyur first post looks like you are trying to have things both ways–both saying “Comparitive victimhood is pointless” and “oh yeah, by the way, I win, even though it really dosen’t matter.” Next time you get into this sort of dscussion your points will be alot more effective if you leave out your own story. Also, I personally disagree that people who are not happy with themselves should run out to the gym, tailor, and barber until they match mainstream society better. I think in the long run oyu are better off wandering around until oyu find an alternitive society that prefers the sort of person you are already. One of the joys of a diverse society is that this option exisits.
That would be my advice to you Euty–if you are not happy where you are, change it. Get a wildly different job, go back to school and study something that interests you, move to Alaska, volenteer at a homeless shelter. For a long time I tried to be liked, to fit in, with a certain type of person because on some level I had decided that they were the people I thought were “cool” and “my type”. Then one day I realized that I had made that decision almost at random as a small child, and that there were alot of very different people out there I had never even noticed becasue somewhere in my brain I classified them as “not my type”. I am much, much happier now.

Lastly, I really, really hate the way the media has us all convinced that “normal” people start having serious relationships at 16 and never stop. Most of the people I know (which may be a biased sample) do not have any sort of romantic conection until their early twenties, and I know many, many people that form no romantic connection until much later than that. Furthermore, many poeple are celibate for 2-3 years between relationships. This seems to be a pretty normal pattern, but all these people feel like Utter Freaks, like they ought to be on Ripley’s Believe it or Not, and hte stress of feeling like they are The Last Virgin of Thier Generation cripples them. In my experience they are better off than people who start having sex at a young age and who never really learn to deal with celebacy (note–that is not all people who have sex at a young age, just some of them) I do know people, both male and female, that are absolutly convinced that they can’t go two weeks without sex. These people often have to, ah-hem, settle.

51

Welly welly welly welly well …

It certainly wasn’t my intent to have a pity party for myself but on looking back at it, it kind of looks like that. I mean, I could be the poster boy for Low-Self-Esteem Week and yes, I am still bitter a bit about things while I was growing up. But this was just a way of blowing off some steam about it all and maybe letting others as well. Hey, it was five o’clock in the morning when I put the thing together. And since I could never get back at the bastards who bullied me when I was younger physically, at least now I’m literate enough to do it with words.

To answer a random few of you directly :

MrVisible : You went to school in RI? Where?

Manda Jo : The complex details of my family life (which I’ve probably gone into too much boring detail here anyway) rather preclude me from making any big changes. And I do “settle” as you say, quite a bit. :wink:

Beth and Scotti : I’ll send you a list. How far back should we go?

SexyWriter : You’re on!

52

:smiley: heheheh

Well, matt…some folks just find anything I say infuriating, simply because I said it. The actual content or meaning is beside the point. But thanks for shining a light on that fact, and reminding me of of how little attention I need pay to some folks’ “critiques”.

stoid

53

That’s the best you can do? God, you queers really DO stick together!
<a quick :wink: before I run off!>

54

MrVisible, if it’s the same school you’d better run, too, or Euty will use SARCASM on you! :wink:

55

Yeah, I guess I do have a funny way of showing friendship. What makes you ask?

56

[hijack for my own venting]

I was the guy that didn’t hang with you. . .

I was the guy you didn’t talk to because I watched the news in the morning rather than ESPN.

I was the guy that went out and hit the bricks to find his own job, rather than working for Daddy’s construction firm.

I was the guy that wore Eddie Bauer rather than The Gap or whatever 90210 crap you wore.

I was the guy who worked and saved up for what I wanted, rather than having Mommy & Daddy pay for it.

I worked my way through college with two-job summers and tons of loans, versus a grant from the First National Bank of Mom and Dad.

I was the guy more comfortable kicking back with a six-pack and a tailgater in a pickup, and a few friends in a county park, rather than going to some hoity-toidy party to schmooze with your “in-crowd” whores. . .

I was the guy that decided to look for a career rather than just getting into college.

And I was the guy who watched as you made a complete drunken fool of yourself in front of the NJ Transit police. I learned when to shut the hell up, instead of trying to bribe the cops.

And how have things changed.

I’m the guy with a steady job, and definite promotion for the next ten years. I’m the guy who does something good for other people, and actually loves what he does day in and day out. . .

I’m the guy you ignored, because I didn’t feel like being in your “in-crowd”.

So go fuck yourselves. Because I really don’t want to give you a handout when you say “I remember you back in High School. . .”

[/hijack]

Tripler
And remember, jackass. . . I’ve got the Bomb!

57

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I still disagree with you…

58

About absolutely everything? I’m willing to bet good cash money that ain’t so!

Someday, somewhere, when you least expect it, you’ll read a post without checking the author, and you’ll find yourself nodding vigorously, saying “You got that right! Damn straight!”. You’ll hit the “reply button”, and before you know it, you’ll be chiming in with my song!

I’ll be watching you… :smiley:

stoid

59

Stoid, you are turning into one spooky lady.

60

Funny – I’ve never wondered what pushed those kids over the edge. Mind you, even if I’d had access to guns I wouldn’t have killed others or myself, but I can understand that feeling of wanting to hurt those who have hurt you (or those that you perceive to have hurt you).

In more cynical moments, I’ve pondered a new approach for an anti-bullying campaign:

Beware: the next kid you shove may go over the edge.

Guns don’t kill people. Victims of bullying kill people.

Don’t pick on the smart kids – they know how to make pipe bombs without blowing themselves up.

Probably not the most constructive approach to the problem, though… :rolleyes: