Always tip your executioner
…or else you suffer the possibility of living long enough to learn this lesson.
Dear kambuckta:
“Take a slash?” Translation, please, if it’s not too awful.
In the meantime, I have learned:
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Any statement beginning with, "The truth of the matter is . . . " is almost certainly a lie.
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Beer does not make you invisible.
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You can say ANY hateful thing you want to about anyone, as long as you then pause, look thoughtful and add, “Bless his/her heart.”
To urinate.
Thanks j_kat_251. That’ll teach me to ignore the board for more than 5 minutes!! 
Oh, and another one:
Opening the second bottle of Cab Sav is NOT a good idea.
Never breathe in through your nose while you’re shampooing you mustache.
Women are different from men. They are also different from other women.
The never ending cocktail where you just top your glass up with a different spirit every time, although good in theory, will always end up a disgusting concotion within about 5 refills.
Might I say: I hate you. Twins?! jealousy. I hope it was worth it! 
Never forget to ask the Chinese waiter to hold the MSG on your order.
(Dang, I have a headache now!)
Know where your dog is before you open the front door.
Along the lines of dogchow’s: Know where your dog is before shutting the garage door and locking her inside. (My dad is not going to hear the end of that one for a long time.
check your toaster for mice before you use it.
toasted mice aren’t nice.
This is an actual learned today item:
Never use the last piece of a paper towel roll to clean a mirror.
I love this. I’m going to embroider it on a pillow!
Never force a fart.
My friend learned a valuable one a few days ago. If you’re removing your snow chains when driving home from your ski holiday, make sure you set the parking brake on your brand new Saab 9-3 Convertible before you get out to remove them. The much older, much cheaper, and much smaller Peugeot in front of you (guess whose ;)) might dent your all-spray-painted bumper. Don’t worry, he found out in time, jumped in, and hit the brakes.
Damn, that would have been a good insurance claim, though.
Don’t answer the phone on your day off.
Don’t say “nuke-u-lar” when the whole world is listening.
Don’t forget to give peace a chance.
Never leave chilli’s on the bench when the cat’s inside and if you must make sure there is plenty of cat litter available to deal with the result after he/she eats them.