And today I learned:
Deoderant isn’t just your friend, it’s your friend’s friend. 
Never ever kiss your best friend’s sister. Especially if she’s just now 15.
Don’t fry bacon in the nude. It’s unsightly and dangerous.
Invisibility potions don’t work.
More to follow…
When ever someone says “it’s for your own good”, it’s usually for someone elses good.
You should go to bed when you start forgetting apostrophies (and forgetting how to spell).
Friends help you move. Good friends help you move bodies.
When somebody says “I’m not being awkward/argumentative/racist/etc, but…” they are about to be awkward/argumentative/racist/etc.
When someone says “With all due respect” they’re about to say something disrespectful.
That you should check to make sure your clothes are right-side-out (as opposed to inside-out) BEFORE getting to the office.
Blow up dolls don’t look real enough to let you drive in the HOV* lane.
Alice in Wonderland has an awesome rack.
OpalCat has a good site. 3F
*High Occupancy Vehicle
…Blenders have lids for a reason…
Always remember to return virus samples to the freezer and don’t let them sit on ice over night 'cause ice melts 
The little brother who you used to pick on cos he was smaller than you, grows up to be bigger than you. And he has a long memory.
Ugh, it took me two times to figure that one out . . . (what? It’s not my fault he’s related to twins)
Never put salt in your eyes. Never put salt in your eyes. Never put never put never put put salt put salt put salt in . . . Always put salt in your eyes.
You might think that regular dishwashing soap would work fine in a dishwasher, but you’d be wrong. Wrong and knee-deep in foamy bubble overflow.
I’m just now learning this 1 (the kid’s 12). Yet I’m dumb enough to keep calling him a Munchkin…
That subject with all those numbers is math. Good thing to know.
You NEVER want to run out of toilet paper. Don’t assume that there is going to be enough - ALWAYS buy more.
Don’t pick your nose after chopping chilies. Or rub your eyes. Or take a slash (only applies to blokes, this one).
Never try to sneak a cheek after a night of ale and burritos
Loosen the lug nuts BEFORE you jack up the car.
And don’t forget to TIGHTEN them (step/jump on the lugwrench handle) AFTER you lower it.
Along the same lines as petcat’s, don’t forget to set the emergency brake before doing anything at all related to changing a tire.
[sub]Whoo, that was close.[/sub]