You might be a Monty Python fan if..

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

When an effort falls short, you say, “Nice though the abbatoir is . . .”

At a job interview, you tell them you have a hat.

You get free books by asking for Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying.

You shop in vain for Venezuelan Beaver Cheese.

When you hear the Blue Danube, you wonder what happened to the explosions.

You own tomato-flavored running shoes.

When presented with unappetizing food you exclaim, “With a gammy leg?!”

For breakfast, you rub gravel in your hair.

At WalMart, when the old guy in front of you in line starts chatting, and mentions he’s got two sheds, you only barely restrain an outburst of laughter. (This really happened - I almost choked!)

82

When I fail to make a point because my reasoning is obviously confused:

“…but - and this is the point - LARGER THAN IT WAS.”

or possibly:

“…well, it’s my theory, because I thought of it, and…it’s mine”

As an answer to any question asking my opinion:

“…could be taken on a holiday, could be…”

Upon entering a room where there are several people:

“…I say…anyone for…tennis?”

While stuck in traffic:

“I like traffic lights…I like traffic lights…”

When there is a sustained silence or pause during a conversation involving the telling of jokes:

“…der ver two peanuts walking down de straaaaassee…”

(Also, I habitually make that arcing hand motion whenever there’s a “lull” in the conversation.)

All time winner:

Went to see the Bruno Dumont film “Humanity”. It opens with a long (over a minute long) silent shot of a man walking in the far distance from one side of the frame to the other. In a crowded theater, I lost control of my senses and as soon as the guy got to the end of the frame I blurted out “IT’S!!!”. About 30 people sitting around my starting laughing out loud. Theatre staff were not amused.

Dis vos de Tronheim Hammer Dance, in vich de old ladies ver struck about de head mit rounds sticks o’knodel

83

Lets see…

You turn off any rerun on television muttering, “Bloody repeats”.

When you win an argument you say, “Ha! I’ve run rings around you logically!”

When someone points out a BGO (Blinding Glimpse of the Obvious), you retort in a shrill voice, “I can see that!”

When you change the subject of a conversation you begin with, “And now for something completely different.”

When defeated in an argument you state, “Well, I could be arguing in my spare time.”
FOR THE HARDCORE:

Unlike most people, you’ve learned almost all of the sketches you recite from albums imported from overseas before the show was on in the USA.

You’ve actually seen them live. (During the “Pet Shop Sketch” you could hear the audience mumbling along in the background.)

You attended the West coast premier of “The Holy Grail”

You use the John Cleese architect’s rant from the Spanish Inquisition in a previous post in the Goofy Insults thread.

And finally;

You change your signature specifically for this thread.

More to follow in a later post…

84

Actually, no I haven’t. Thought I could remember it off of the top of my head. Guess not. :smiley:

85

Fraid it is gibberish. I’ve heard the Python’s answer this several times, and have several books that mention it. It’s just gibberish, but they had to write it down so everyone would say the same thing.

86

…you ask for the expurgated version of Olsen’s Standard Book of British Birds. The one without the gannet. They wet their nests.

…everything you know about Oliver Cromwell can be sung.

…whenever an argument breaks out, you say, “we’re not 'ere to bicker and argue about who killed who. This is an 'appy occasion!”

So we stay here until you or anyone else -
No, not anyone else. Just me -
Just you, get back.

87

… if you’re a sad old fart who hasn’t seen a new TV show since 1969

88

"The ring.

DON’T TOUCH THE RING!

Once again, we was…too late."

89

You find yourself fancying a fish requisite-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t…
People around you mistake you for Phillip Bleedin’ Sydney.
You honestly think “Gay Boys in Bondage” was one of the Bard’s better works.
You steal from the poor, and give to the rich. Stupid bitch.
The thought of a comfy chair invokes paroxysms of fear.
You’d like to see John the Baptist’s impersonation of Graham Hill.
You’ve ever “wet 'em.”
You’ve ever gobbed on the carpet.
Your goat’s ever done a bundle.
Your wife’s name is Dreary Fat Boring Old.
You would tax the nude in your bed. No, no…not tax…what’s the word? Welcome! :slight_smile:

90

Back in University my answering machine message was part of one of the Spanish Inquisition bits about the comfy chair off the Final Ripoff tape. I worked on that for hours to get it right. I had to say a few words, then start my tape player, then cut in again at the end. Getting the voice to sound right was the hardest part.

Some friends and I also went out to dinner at this place that supposedly has like 200 different beers from around the world. I had to try a Watney’s Red Barrel that night. I think I still have the bottle.

91

You cringe when you sit in the barber’s chair, knowing there’s a homicidal maniac behind you.

You are flipping channels and see a chilren’s story being read, and hear in your mind, "'Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and … discipline?.. naked? … (without looking up, reads a bit; then, incredulously to himself) With a melon!? "
You get a dirty fork at your table in a restaurant and wonder if the chef will try to kill himself.

You spontaneously pick up frozen fish in the supermarket and slap someone’s face with it.

When I first saw this thread, my first instinct was to “RUN AWAY!”

92

I forgot…

So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not… do… vaginal… juices?

PUPILS: Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

HUMPHREY: Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.

WATSON: R-- rubbing the clitoris, sir?

HUMPHREY: What’s wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? … You don’t have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.

WYMER: Suck the nipple, sir?

HUMPHREY: Good! Good. Well done, Wymer.

DUCKWORTH: Uh, stroking the thighs, sir.

HUMPHREY: Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Hmm?

PUPIL IN FRONT: Oh, sir. Biting the neck.

HUMPHREY: Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.

WATSON: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

93

When returning from a trip to the store, you are greeted with:

“Been Shopping?”
“No, been shopping”
“What’d you buy?”
“A piston engine!”
“Why’d you buy that?”
“It was a bargain”

*Actually uttered by me and Mrs. Bottle of Smoke every time one of us went to the store. Kept it up long past the point where it was still funny.

94

You work for http://www.satirewire.com :

95

OK, OK, I said you were right. But I was still right about the words to the meaning of life. Just remember that we’re standing on a planet thate Evolving and REvolving… So we’re even. But what do my wally world purchases have to do with moty python obsession? It’s not like they were french ticklers.

96

Well since no one else took it, I guess this one is mine too. So here goes.

THE PENIS SONG

Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis,
Isn’t it frightfully good to have
a dong?
It’s swell to have a stiffy,
It’s divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger,
to the world’s biggest prick.

So three cheers for your Willy
or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one-eyed
trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife’s
best friend,
Your Percy or your cock,
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock,
But don’t take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won’t a-come a-back.

97

The management would like to apologise for the previous posts.

The posters have been sacked and the following posts have been completely redone

at great expense

in an entirely new style

wik önly a few Llamas

98

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

99

African or European?

100

I don’t know that.

AAAAAAAGGHHHHHHHH!!!